If it were my kid, I’d tell that I’m not paying for them to live in a dorm and come every weekend. If they want to be at home so much, they can live at home and commute…
I’d probably phrase it much differently though…
1 Like
I do think perceptions of what 18 year olds are capable of differ when you grew up somewhere that many/most of them were in the army before their 19th birthday. You don’t need the army to “grow up” though, and an 18 year old should be capable of calling the bank /using their app to report a lost card, or whatever.
But I also think life is very different to a couple of decades ago. It is now quick and easy for a parent to organize many things from across the country that would have been very difficult back then, should the student not be capable or willing to do so. (I arranged the insurance claim for my daughter, as an example.)
A medical emergency is different, but other than kids with known medical issues, is that really likely enough to be basing an entire college decision on?
2 Likes
My “something” just happened. D is a senior, in a college across the country. I was (and still am), more of the distance-doesn’t-matter crowd, we set up healthcare proxies and such in case of any medical emergencies, and couldn’t really think of many likely scenarios where if we didn’t get to her in a matter of hours, something awful would happen. And it didn’t…nothing awful happened. But…she’s had a super hard year and has not been doing well mentally, and on a recent phone call was saying things that made us feel that I needed to get there, now. Three hours later I was on a flight and got to her that night. Luckily my life and finances allowed that. If she hadn’t been so far away, and if graduation wasn’t so close, I would have went sooner. So our “something” happened, and it all turned out OK, and neither of us would have changed her college location. The only other time the distance mattered was the early covid days when for an afternoon we thought airports (LAX in particular) might close down and she would be stuck. So now we know that doesn’t really happen in a pandemic anyway!
7 Likes
I remember picking D up from the airport when they came home for spring break last year (Covid spring break, they never went back). Airport was mostly deserted, and just about every person disembarking seemed to be a college student.
I think my ideal would be close enough to get there fast in an emergency, but far enough that he’s not even considering coming home every weekend. Maybe this is old fashioned of me, but I still think of college as a trial run for living away from your family. I know some people, even some with very good jobs, choose to live with parents well into adulthood, and that’s fine for them, but it is not how I think about growing up.
2 Likes
If we needed to be physically present for our kids, my best friend who lived 30-60 minutes from campus would drop everything if needed. I could be there in under 24 hours by booking and getting a flight and we would have worked out finances later. We have no regrets in having let them chose wherever they wanted to attend, this ended being nearer than expected—only one plane ride away instead of multiple.
1 Like
The thread up right now, entitled, “How do you know your student should transfer” is an excellent example of why parents want their kids to be not too far away. Of course, Covid and isolation have made things worse, but when a kid is in serious distress, it really helps if you can drive to their school to visit them.
2 Likes
I can’t really agree unless you are expecting this to be a chronic issue. Why is driving rather than flying for a non-emergency - a few hours not making a big difference in this case - a reason for college choice? For someone with identified issues, whether mental or physical health, I can see that driving distance might be a factor. For once or twice in 4 years? Nope.
2 Likes
Part of the problem is that you can’t anticipate whether your kid will have mental or physical illness prior to their selection of a school. The other benefit to a school you can drive to is that you can travel on your schedule rather than the airline’s. I also found it less stressful as I could jump in the car once notified rather than having to find/schedule a flight, etc.
In addition, because she could drive home and to a sibling’s school, she was able to participate in family events like birthdays, holidays, etc. which wouldn’t have been possible due to class schedules and distance from the airport.
2 Likes
True, but neither can you anticipate whether they will develop mental or physical illness after they have completed college and are living on their own. It is really a question of when, not if, your kids will have the option of living too far away for you to provide rapid assistance. I admit that 18 seems young and I would personally prefer if my son is in driving distance (roughly defined as not requiring an overnight stop). There is also such a thing as too close. A trip of a few hours seems ideal.
1 Like
I guess, but my old fashioned scenario is kids going straight into the workforce right out of high school or getting married, mostly staying in their hometown. Or living at home during college because that was what was affordable or paying for college themselves. None of these people returned home after college to live with parents well into adulthood. In my affluent community many kids go away to college, fully subsidized by mom and dad. Many do live with their parents well into adulthood and it doesn’t matter because the house is big and they have plenty of room. Also, in our area plenty of adults with good jobs don’t live with their parents, but their parents help with downpayments for houses, weddings, or pay for the whole family to go on a vacation.
I don’t know, I just think going far away for college is a privilege and it’s more common these days. And going away doesn’t always equal grown up.
And kids do not have to come every weekend when they’re close by. Parents should encourage them to stay on campus…
I think it depends on the kid and what they want out of the college experience. I think cost should also be a consideration as well. What is too close for some kids, might be just fine for others…
I think its best to sit down with your kid and go over everything. Go over all the pros and cons. Heck, maybe the campus in your hometown has the perfect program for your kid and what they want to study.
I’ve seen it gone bad when the parents were too strict on location. Either not letting them go too far away or not letting them be too close to home. I do know cost is a factor for families and I do think parents should be up front about that…
Of course every family and kid is different…
That’s kind of an interesting angle for this thread in that so far it has focused on what parents think is too close/far, not what the kids think. (And yes I know some of the parents will say “but the kids haven’t thought about everything that might happen…”) the thread might gain more color from the “my kid wanted to go further but I wouldn’t let them” crew. A couple of D19’s friends were in that bracket.
Good point! The only reason we put distance limits on our kids was due to cost. That said we didn’t stop them from applying to far away schools, we just said that in order to attend the finances had to work out…
Neither kid had/has a car on campus so if they did go close by, they wouldn’t have been able to drive home every weekend
I work at a public school (=free ride) with families for whom a $5 fee to go on a field trip is unaffordable.
I don’t impose strict distance limits per se, but I do think that if the school is flying distance only, it needs to be at a well serviced destination, and be easily accessible from the airport. In an emergency, you may not be able to get on a plane for many hours after the event if there are not many flights. And nothing worse after a long flight than dealing with yet another couple of hours local travel. Another factor that can complicate travel is weather conditions that may mean the frequent closure of the local or connecting airport. Let’s not kid ourselves, being within driving distance is the heck of a lot easier to deal with in an emergency. I have experienced both my parents’ and a sibling’s passing being overseas and it is incredibly stressful to deal with flying to get there in a hurry. Also, picking a far away college for my family means that the cost must be lower than a closer college in order to accommodate for transport cost and allow for the one off emergency flight, which translates into additional $$ as I know only too well from experience.
That feels like a very different way of life to me, though I’m far from needy. Actually I grew up in a large middle class family where money was spread pretty thin. I am grateful and indeed was privileged to get my parents’ support for college tuition at a state university (there was also a faculty discount) and to graduate without debt. But since then I have been able to support myself in some fashion or other, beginning with grad student stipends and later with employment. I remember when I was starting grad school being shocked and insulted by a couple of potential landlords asking for a parental cosign. I found both lower rent and no need for a cosigner.
Barring a stock market crash, I may be in a position to help my kids out a lot more than my parents were. But putting a downpayment on a house is such a personal accomplishment, I really think they should do that without help from me. Tuition is another matter. I still see it as my job to help my kids pay for education. If either of them wanted to go to a very expensive private college, that would be a different matter, but so far my son seems fine with public universities.
Nobody’s getting help with a house, at least if they want to call it their own house. I have occasionally wondered about investment real estate. If they were living in and managing a rental property, who knows? They can inherit my money if I don’t use it all during retirement.
Financial reasons for choosing closer colleges has been discussed multiple times, vs this thread asking about the “what if something happens” angle.
Might be interesting to see a poll of the number of parents who have actually had to get to a college “because something happened” vs those who haven’t. Of course the sample would be incomplete for those of us whose students have not yet graduated.
I’ve mentioned the army angle before but I also wonder if the American curiosity of a 21 yo drinking age also contributes to the perception of what is “too young to leave alone”. If we can’t trust them to have a beer or two, after all, how can we trust them to handle an emergency?
2 Likes
By “army angle” do you mean that some parents are more willing to allow their kids to sign up for military service at 17/18 than let them go to college in a less accessible distant location? Perhaps these parents believe that military service will be a more structured and supervised life than college, so that “too young [immature] to leave alone” may be more of an issue at college…
A friend of mine from a large family, once shared that her parents would pay for any college within a 200-300 mile radius of home. There were many excellent public and private schools in that range. Her parents were successful, and I did not understand why they would place those limitations, since it was not a financial issue. It may have been due to the “what if something happens” reasoning, but I think there was more.
As a result, her large family remained in close proximity after graduation. Most of her siblings tended to find positions near where they went to school. Many other families are spread all over the USA, and I’ve noticed it is often near where the children went to college. They found a partner & decided to stay, or they found positions with the help of local networks they made during the college years through fellow students, professors, and alumni.
Choosing a distant college might be a great choice for opportunities in your hopeful field, for a particular “fit”or simply to explore a part of the country you love, but it often results in a directional pull after graduation. So, offering that option for your child to attend far from home, often results in them living far from home. That might present some great vacation options, or it might just continue the inability to visit as often as you would like, or help each other in a pinch beyond the college years.
1 Like