I have a bit of a unique perspective. I have 2 high-achieving kids - one in college, one starting - so I’ve done the visits and research. But I’m also a psychologist with 25 years experience working with hundreds of kids this age. I’ve seen so many great kids love, hate, graduate, or quit college. And I’ve learned that it’s impossible to predict – or control - how things will turn out.
Sometimes a poor roommate fit can make a freshman year miserable, while a great roommate or friend can make a kid love college. An unanticipated terrific teacher can make a student love their major, while a bad class can make them hate it. Not getting the grades they want can lead to real depression. A trauma can happen. A romantic rejection can leave them crying every day, unable to sleep or study. Any of these things can change the college experience.
I’ve also seen kids who had 100% solid goals, and these were shaken, precipitating an emotional crisis. One boy who had known all his life he wanted to be a physician (super talented, amazing experiences, got into the school of his dreams) was stunned and even traumatized in his first month of college by how cutthroat, competitive, and pressured it was, and developed anxiety to the point that he couldn’t eat or sleep. His dad flew to him, found him a therapist, facilitated meetings with advisors. He’s now married and highly successful in a totally different field.
Your child’s college experience will have some terrific aspects, and some problems - THAT YOU CAN’T ANTICIPATE. Dorm and social experiences will be very influential, in ways you can’t predict. (And for what it’s worth, I’ve met zero kids for whom something like renovated new dorms really made the difference.)
Ratings, brand, and job prospect stats are worth researching and discussing, but they’re not what matters most, because you have no idea how college will go, or what those stats will mean, for your particular child. Imho FAANG stats don’t matter, because you don’t know how college will shape his goals or where his opportunities will come from. FAANG companies aren’t for everyone – he might discover they’re not for him. Jobs often come from alumni networks, faculty connections, internships, campus experiences - and you can’t predict any of those. Also, his personality matters just as much – how does he cope with change and problems, is he perfectionistic or flexible, does he know how to organize himself when the load is heavy.
Since your son has four great options which can all lead to great opportunities, and you can’t foresee the outcome at any of them, here’s my advice for what it’s worth:
- Have him watch the admitted student webinars where he hears actual students talk about their experiences, and have him find students who have gone there to talk to. Not one, but several at each school he’s strongly considering.
- Then tell him to put that together with how he already feels about each school, and go with his gut. Not yours, but his.
- Sometime before he goes to college, make sure he knows these things:
a. Life doesn’t go as planned, and that’s ok. Sometimes people find that the school they thought was right for them isn’t – one third of college students transfer. It’s not ideal but it’s not a tragedy.
b. If he has any significant problems, he’s not the first person to have them, and there are always solutions. He will solve them best if he talks to parents, advisors, counselors, professors, as soon as possible. If he doesn’t get a helpful response, try someone else - soon. A physics professor recently said to me, “if my students would come to me when they start to slide, and not the night before the exam, I could help them.”
c. Don’t miss class! If you must, watch the lecture ASAP. In my experience this is absolutely linked to success; kids miss a class, then miss a 2nd class because they didn’t watch the lecture, start to feel behind, and this can snowball.
d. He will sometimes get grades that aren’t great. It doesn’t matter. What matters is learning, and persisting.
e. Connecting to friends is 100% as important as getting good grades. Friendship makes college enjoyable, brings meaning to your experience, and often leads to new pathways, perspectives, and opportunities.
Hope that helps.
