<p>i'm sorry if my first post offended you; but if i were an admissions officer reading this essay, the opening would have built up a wall between us, and that's probably not a good thing. i kinda guessed that you'd talk about how you changed somewhere later in the essay, but the beginning just felt too serious, and self-confessing for me.</p>
<p>again, for a native Chinese highschooler, you have a very impressive command of english. i'm just saying there's still room for improvement, esp. your style. just my 2 cents.. and i didn't mean to sound rude. :)</p>