Essay -Intros and conclutions

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I started studying for the SAT approx 1.5 months ago and now the only thing left is the essay (now i m doing 2 per day)</p>

<p>I end up getting examples for the prompt but the problem with me is the starting and the ending seem not so effective and solid as the body. I want to keep the starting as strong as possible so that the reader knows that i mean business</p>

<p>On and essay prompt - 'In crisis, cleverness is born' my essay starts somewhat like this--</p>

<p>In crisis cleverness is born. When there is no straightforward method to avert an adversity one must look for unorthodox and 'clever' (is use of quotation marks fine?) methods. May this method be deception such as the Trojan Horse or tactics such as Guerrilla warefare. </p>

<p>The essay is followed by solid examples.</p>

<p>I am striving for a 2100+ and i need my essay to be 10+. I feel that my conclusions and starting are weak and hence need some advice on how to improve them.</p>

<p>Can you use vocab such as Thus i conclude on the basis of my personal experiances and historical events .............</p>

2

<p>" am striving for a 2100+ and i need my essay to be 10+. I feel that my conclusions and starting are weak and hence need some advice on how to improve them.
"</p>

<p>Same here. I need advice too. And I really don't like sparknotes' intro format, in which the thesis is the first sentence.</p>

3

<p>I usually put the thesis in the first sentence. Then I have another sentence sort of expanding on the thesis and elaborating it a little. Then I introduce the examples....kinda like how you do your intro. I always try to reword the prompt though...not just copy down the exact thing.</p>

4

<p>Thanks hannah for the reply. Ok so thats one up on intros - dont just copy down the prompt. So the way that you have mentioned its somewhat similar to what i have done. Also is it fine that i mentioned one small line in the intro itself about the examples (Trojan Horse and guerrilla warface) which i will talk about in detail in the next 2 parahs</p>

<p>My format usually is--</p>

<p>Intro
Ex 1- usually personal
Ex 2- historical
Ex 3- literary (if i dont get i replace it with historical or if i feel my essay is strong enough i omit this)
Conclusion</p>

<p>I am used to getting 3 examples almost always but the promlem is that they are usually historical ones. I just bought Great Gatsby and Frankenstein and am planning to finish them so as to get some more literary ones. Tried sparknotes but it doesnt work for me if i really want to get first hand knowledge of the book.</p>

<p>Also, does it sound kiddish if you include examples from the Harry Potter series?</p>

5

<p>Maybe you should look at the Grammatix formula. I don't like the whole thing, personally. I think making up personal examples is a bit too much, especially when I usually (and it seems that you don't either) don't have a problem with using examples from history or literatue. But it's a nice formula to have, I believe. </p>

<p>Anyways, I think I'm allowed to repost here since the essay section is availible for free online:</p>

<p>
[quote]
4. Begin your essay with a one-sentence statement of your answer to the prompt.
The SAT scorers aren't big on subtlety. Start your essay with a flat statement of the point you intend to prove. (For examples of top-scoring essays that did this, see pages 123 and 200 of The Official SAT Study Guide For The New SAT.) Refer to your one-word answer in Step 2 if you've forgotten what you were trying to say.</p>

<ol>
<li> Write a "Though" sentence to modify your opening sentence.
The second sentence in your essay should start out by contradicting your first setence with the word though, and then finish the sentence with a comma and a re-affirmation of the idea in the first sentence. That might sound a little complicated, so let's try an example. If the first sentence is:
The police are a poisitive and protective force in American society.
then the second sentence is
Though some may criticize the police forces in major cities for being too quick to resort to violence, without the police there would be violence everywhere.</li>
</ol>

<p>See how that works? The first sentence says X. Then the second sentence starts with the word though and introduces an idea that contradicts X; the second sentence finishes with a comma and then an idea that restates X. (The reason for using the word though in this way is that it guarantees you'll havee a sentence with an interesting structure, something common to all high-scoring essays.)</p>

<ol>
<li> Finish the first paragraph with a sentence that gives a strong introduction to your examples
Make the last sentence in the first paragraph a simple transitional sentence that introduces the two examples you thought of in Step 3. To finish the imaginary first paragraph that we started in Step 6, we might write a sentence like</li>
</ol>

<p>Three episodes from my personal experience serve as compelling examples of this fact.</p>

<p>See? Nothing too fancy. At this point, you're finished with the first paragraph--the groundwork has been done, and the hardest part of the essay is behind you!</p>

<hr>

<ol>
<li><p>Begin the final paragraph with a sentence that relates all of your examples back to the first sentence in your essay.
At this point you're starting to close the essay, so you want to wrap weverything up. The first sentence of your last paragraph is going to put your three examples back into the context of the main point you're trying to make.</p></li>
<li><p>Finish the essay with a sentence that rephrases the first sentence in the essay.
Te last thing that remains is to cap off your essay with a sentence that re-establishes the main point of your essay. Of course, you don't want to use the exact same wording that you used in Step 4, but you do want to make roughly the same point with this sentence that you made in Step 4.

[/quote]
</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Example essay (12 on automated Collegeboard?)

[quote]

Necessity motivates people to change. Though we might like to believe that we change of our own free will to become better human beings, the fact is that the desire to change must come from an outside force. Three personal experiences from my recent time as Chief Counsel of the Zlotga tribe on the planet Meep serve to illustrate this point very clearly...
...
Whether we are changing out of a survival necessity, out of personal necessity, or because of a trend, all changes are motivated by a necessity of some sort. People never change nless they have to.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Now, there have been some criticisms with the Grammatix formula about not actually raising your grade at all, but I think it might help you. This way, you can get a decent intro/conclusion pumping out for every essay prompt, and you can spend more time developing your examples.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>(Btw, I think you have a very good format.)</p>

6

<p>Thanks a lot buddy for a detailed reply</p>

<p>Can you tell me where you got that from and give me a link to it?</p>

<p>Here is how the intro stands--</p>

<p>Main sentence
Supporting/Contradicting sentence (Depends on prompt)
Example sentence (May it be.....) [is using it fine]</p>

<p>[though i didnt follow it here :p]</p>

<p>Can you grade this essay for me?
I personally think i could have done better</p>

<p>Prompt--
"Those who doubt themselves most generally err less" - Samuel Richardson
The statement above argues that self confidence causes carelessness and error.Present your views</p>

<hr>

<p>There is a fine line dividing confidence and overconfidence. These two attitudes have contrasting effects on the individuals performance. Confidence boosts you up and inspires you to win whereas overconfidence is the vanquisher of champions. You may be on cloud nine at the moment but will fall to the ground if you are overconfident.</p>

<p>The sporting arena holds a prime example to justify this point. Apart from this year,the last time tennis champion Roger Federer lost to anyone in the wimbledon was 5 years ago to a teenager and underdog Mario Ancic. Roger himself later stated that he felt he lost the match because of his overconfidence and the fact that he underestimated Ancic. This overconfidence led to a first round exit of the favourite to win the title . </p>

<p>Also in the battle of Bull Run, General Stonewall Jackson of the Confederate army surprised the more powerful Union army by giving a last minute full fledged attack. The Union army was clearly far more superior with more manpower as well as resources but fell prey to overconfidence as they thought they had already attained victory. This gave the confederate army an important victory.</p>

<p>I also learnt from my personal experience the difference between confidence and overconfidence. I entered an open table tennis tournament which i had won last year. Filled with confidence, or overconfidence in reality I played my first match against a newcomer whom I had never heard of. I lost the match in straight sets. I clearly underestimated him under the nostalgia of my last victory, luckily for me that was in the group stages and was not eliminated. I met him again in the semi final and this time came out on top.I was confident, but not overconfident ; I knew I was the better player, I did not underestimate myself and had full belief in my own skills </p>

<p>True champions know that they must never underestimate their adversary and play with confidence not overconfidence. Confidence is the driving force behind any victory, it will not increase your chances of failure.</p>

<p>Lenght: ~330 words (fine?)</p>

<p>I feel i need help with the conclusion</p>

7

<p>(Sorry I don't want to give a number to screw you up because I have only written two practice essays and have not yet studied the rubric extensively - however I will give comments below)</p>

<p>I like your examples. I think your formula for examples gives you a good mixture between your knowledge and connecting with the audience. (I think I might steal it from you lol)</p>

<p>1.) Introduction
Maybe make a simile/metaphor here. It will help to vary your sentence structure and demonstrate your command over the English language :) I really liked your cloud nine idea btw. Also mention the quote and the speaker, since the question directly referred to it.</p>

<p>Example:

[quote]
There is a fine line between confidence and overconfidence. Although confidence can boost you up and inspire you to win, there can always be too much of a good thing. Just the right amount of confidence can raise you up to cloud nine, while too much confidence can fling you back down to the ground. When Samuel Richardson said, "Those who doubt themselves most generally err less," he did not mean that success is born out of cowardess or a lack of faith in self. As we have seen in the sports arena and history books, and as I have experienced personally, you should never be too confident of your own superiority. You never know.<a href="eh%20actually%20maybe%20too%20long,%20but%20I%20would%20write%20something%20along%20those%20lines%20for%20a%20take-home,%20school%20essay">/quote</a></p>

<p>2.) Body 1
Again maybe connect back with your intro and the quote. It will help organize your essay. It would help in your other body paragraphs as well.
Ex: The sport arena confirms Richardson's assertion.</p>

<p>Also from an editing standpoint, these sentences are a bit unclear because of the syntax.
Ex: Instead of "Apart from this year, the last time tennis champion Roger Federer lost to anyone in the Wimbledon was 5 years ago to a teenager and underdog Mario Ancic."
How about: "Tennis champion Roger Federer has been a virtually undefeated player in the Wimbledon Championships. It is not surprising that he would have been confident - or rather too confident - walking into a match several years ago against Mario Ancic, a teenager and underdog at best."
Make your point up front, and put the descriptors in later. Also remember that usually proper nouns are before the description. As in, "Mario Ancic, a teenager and underdog" is more common than "A teenager and underdog, Mario Ancic." Actually, you can write the latter if you want to heavily stress the fact that he is a teenager and underdog, and that is more important than who the person actually is. But here, I wanted to keep the parallel between Federer and Ancic as two people, one of whom SHOULD have won and one of whom SHOULD NOT have won.</p>

<p>Also, it was very nice to talk about "Roger himself later stated..." since it drives the point back to your thesis. But perhaps you could get rid of all of those miniphrases in there. Instead:
"Federer himself later awknowledged that he lost the match because he was overconfident and had thus underestimated his opponent."
Or somehow get a more parallel structure in there. "his overconfidence" sounds jarring when put next to "the fact that he underestimated..."
Perhaps "his overconfidence" with "his underestimation," for example.</p>

<p>Great last sentence too. If the reader didn't get it by now, he/she must be mentally challenged to say the least :P</p>

<p>So in summary, my personal example paragraph (changed sentence order a bit for better organization):

[quote]
The sport arena confirms Richardson's assertion. Tennis champion Roger Federer has been a virtually undefeated player in the Wimbledon Championships. It is not surprising that he would have been confident - or rather too confident - walking into a match several years ago against Mario Ancic, a teenager and underdog at best. But because Federer was so pretentious, the favorite to win the entire championship was eliminated in the very first round. He himself later awknowledged that he lost the match because he was overconfident and had thus underestimated his opponent. Federer, as he later proved, should have had no problem winning against Ancic physically, if he had only doubted himself a little more mentally.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>3.) Body 2
Make sure to transition nicely. It makes the reader feel good and happy xD. In the larger structure of your essay, you say directly "The sports arena..." and "I also learnt from my own experience..." Don't be "creative" here. Just say "Historically..." or </p>

<p>.........ehhh sorry this is taking too long i'll come back to this tomorrow lol</p>

8

<p>Thank a lot buddy for the excellent reply
I thought that my grammar was messed up in the Federer part and i am sure that my conclusion could have been better. The corrections you gave were awesome.
I saw your first essay on your thread and thought it was amazing. Straight 11/12. I still need to work on the essay part, but i have time as i think i will give the SAT in November. When are you giving it? </p>

<p>Also can you also give me a link to the online grammatix formula?</p>

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<p>Bump
Bump
Bump</p>

10

<p>Bump
Bump
Bump</p>

11

<p>Sorry I don't have the link anymore. But google "grammatix" and follow the sales pitch...it'll come out there somewhere lol</p>

<p>anyways:</p>

<p>3.) Body 2
Make sure to transition nicely. It makes the reader feel good and happy xD. In the larger structure of your essay, you say directly "The sports arena..." and "I also learnt from my own experience..." Don't be "creative" here. Just say "Historically..." or something so it grounds your essay and makes it "organized."</p>

<p>Also, I'm not sure on this one, but shouldn't Army be capitalized as part of the "Confederate Army" proper noun? Ask someone else's opinion on this one though. Ditto on "Battle of Bull Run" - that I'm sure about.</p>

<p>Also, "far more superior" haha it is getting a bit redundant.</p>

<p>"...fell prey to overconfidence..." is very good because it is interesting sentence structure and demonstrates facility in the English language. Not trying to make fun of the rubric, but very good example of what it likes.</p>

<p>Word choice is a bit repetitive with the army, confidence, and victory. Maybe mix it up a bit with "SAT Vocab" that you know cold.</p>

<p>Example:

[quote]
Historically speaking, Richardson's idea is exemplified by the famous Battle of Bull Run. The Union Army was clearly superior in terms of both manpower as well as resources. The conservative, agricultural south was ill-equipped to supply an army compared to the powerful, industrialized north. However, Stonewall Jackson, general of the disadvantaged Confederate Army, was able to surprise the superior enemy in a last minute, full-fledged attack. The Union Army fell prey to overconfidence when they wrongfully assumed that they had already attained victory. This lapse of self-doubt gave the Confederate Army an invaluable window for true success.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>4.) Body 3
(Btw I'm assuming you're from the UK with the "learnt" lol - being American I will substitute "learned" just for my own sanity haha)</p>

<p>On an editing note, I think it is "...which I had won the year before" not "...which I had won last year." Last year sounds like you are referring from now, but in the paragraph it feels like you are referring from that point during which you were participating in the competition. Make sense?</p>

<p>I'm also not sure if nostalgia is the right word here.
1: the state of being homesick : homesickness
2: a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition; also : something that evokes nostalgia
(Merriam-Webster)</p>

<p>I'm thinking something like "clinging to the faded glories of the past."</p>

<p>Overall your basic grammar (like prepositions and capitalizations) seems to be suffering as you're rushing through this paragraph.</p>

<p>Also, very nice with the end where you refer to how you turned the situation around by following Richardson's advice. But perhaps you should say so explicitedly.</p>

<p>Example:

[quote]
I also learned about the dangers of overconfidence personally. I entered a table tennis tournament which I had already won the previous year. When I discovered that my first match was against an unknown necomer, I was filled with overconfidence. I also underestimated my opponent and lost the match in straight sets. I had been clinging to the glories of the past instead of focusing on the game in hand. But I would not make the same mistake twice. Fortunately, I was not immediately eliminated from the competition and had the opportunity to play the same person again. This time, I doubted myself more, checking my previous folly, and this time, I came out on top.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>4.) Conclusion
Okay, you said you wanted a lot of help on this?
It definately sounds rushed. I know you can write better than this, since I read the rest of your essay. That might weaken your score a bit, since it feels like you are declining over the course of the essay. You want to save some stamina for the conclusion, because it is your last chance to say GIVE ME A FRIGGIN 12 OR ELSE YOU MUST BE AN IDIOT (or maybe not that harshly lol). Your body points are technically more important, but the conclusion is the last thing the judges will have on their minds before they write down that final number. I cannot tell you exactly what to do. I usually feel that every conclusion has a different style.</p>

<p>I'll come back to more specific tips and an example later, because I'm getting really tired now.</p>

12

<p>Thanks a lot buddy. Man you have explained the flaws of my essay better than any tutor could! This was my second essay and still need to get hang it of. I will keep practicing and try to get better. I agree with you that my last parah and conclusion was way below par when compared to my starting and could easily knock a few points down my essay.</p>

<p>I got the grammatix link and am using it. I tend to get the examples but sometimes end up having problems with the sentence structure (as it is with the 3rd para). I am writing 2 essays a day but dont have time to post them all!
Thanks a lot once again for taking out your time and helping me</p>

<p>Oh yeah, about that 'learnt' thing... that was a typo :D , i definitely wrote learned</p>