Essay, needs criticism

This essays isn’t for college, it is to get into my schools AP English class as an 11th graders. But I figured they’re similar enough that you all could help me, because it’s very selective, and I have to compete with what seems like thousands of asian teen-wunderkinds.

The promt was to write about an event that changed you.

The essays was:

The other day I was on the internet when a friend of mine sent me a picture of a girl he’d met in the Virginia Beach area, and had since been talking to. She was nothing short of gorgeous, she was the picture of Americana, sandy blonde, blue eyed, and curvy. After seeing these pictures, I decided to look through her profile, with low expectations, to see if she really was the picture of perfection, or just another pretty faced, pretty smart, young girl.

I found some mildly amusing facts and interests of hers, we like two of the same bands, she wasn’t a reader, and she loved her best friend and The O.C, after that, I read through the posted comments her friends had made. After eyeballing my way through the internet vernacular’s equivalent of “Hello” and “You’re my friend” I noticed the kids talking about a party she’d been at the weekend before. The messages were very crass, and probably to crude to put into print, but you can probably understand the types of things that were said.

At this point I scrolled up rapidly, look at her picture again, and felt my ribcage collapse. Looking over her features I noticed that she looked identical to how I remember a girl that I had a crush on in the preschool where my mom worked. She was the girl that, at the time, I had resolved to marry, as long as the ceremony didn’t include kissing. Of course, she wasn’t the same girl, but she had an uncanny resemblance to a full busted, two-foot taller version of the girl I’d declared I would marry. This was probably the only time since I was 13 that I truly felt depressed. The thought that the girl I had the purest and most innocent form of love for, was now, in all likely hood, only concerned with drinking and sex, and getting into college, were there is more drinking and sex.

I don’t claim to be a pure cherub or anything, I’ve done things that I wish I hadn’t, and some I’m glad I did but wouldn’t tell a priest or parent that, but this only amplified my feeling of regret. Although we still have little common ground on which we can agree, I have a new understanding for the Tipper Gore’s, church pot luck mothers, and home school teachers of this world. The thought of someone you love losing the innocence you loved them for is devastating. That day, I came as close as I believe a human can come to knowing how God felt after he saw that Adam and Eve would eat from that tree, and I can say with confidence that it has changed me.

<p>Your school makes you apply to get into an AP English class?</p>

<p>Anyways, you have a lot of comma usage errors that is harmful if the purpose of this essay is to get into an English class. I suggest you brush up by reading about commas in some sort of grammar book because the problem is seen throughout your essay. </p>

<p>You have some run on sentences (i.e. first sentence of the second paragraph), fluctuating verbs in a sentence (i.e. nonparallel verbs in first sentence of the third paragraph --> you go from past to present to past tense), and some spelling errors (i.e. last sentence of the third paragraph, typo of were instead of where).</p>

<p>Again, these grammar errors really stand out, especially if it's for an English class, and I would suggest brushing up on your grammar from a grammar book.</p>

<p>I suggest choosing a topic that would highlight your intellectual interests more. An essay featuring musings about how beauty is only skin deep when it comes to a curvy bombshell isn't likely to impress the adults who'll make the decision.</p>

<p>If you thought it was about beauty being skin deep I'm in more trouble than I thought. Thanks anyway.</p>

<p>I find this essay bizarre. I usually like a little bizarre, but it's really hard to tell what you mean. Your thoughts seem disjointed and don't flow well. </p>

<p>I do like your conversational tone and descriptive language. But the topic matter is really strange. Are you a religious nut-type or super judgemental? It's really hard to tell. Some statements are really over the top.</p>

<p>For AP English are you really required to write a personal opinion essay? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to analyze a book or to do a compare and contrast style essay? AP English is fairly technical and analytical.</p>

<p>AP english comp is VERY technical. Creativity is sort've thrown out the window for that class. As for the essay... it's a nice jumping off point but I would suggest editing it all to hell to condense your thoughts, and then write a new paper that is concise and to the point. AP English essays have to be "Here's what IM going to tell you, now let me tell you, and here's what I've told you".</p>

<p>In a bunch of college admission essay books that are supposed to help you write a better essay, it says that you should avoid delving into the topic of relationships that are anything other than platonic or within the family. Admissions officers just can't understand or relate. Also, this essay is more about her than you. It would behoove you to write an essay that puts YOU in the spotlight...after all, you're the one smart enough to be applying for AP English. :-) Good luck.</p>