Essay!! Please read

<p>Discuss an issue of local, national, or international concern. Why is this issue important to you? How do you think it should be addressed? (approximately 500 words)
The culmination of my hard work was finally put to test. College admission was just around the corner. I’d narrowed down my choices, and was ready to complete the applications. Some of the tuition price tags seemed daunting, but there was always financial aid. The only problem, however, was that I still didn’t have a Permanent Residence Status, or casually referred to as “green card.” My family had applied seven years ago, and the process is still prolonging. I made numerous trips during the school year to the Cleveland INS for fingerprinting and other procedures. Each trip made me more anxious as to whether I’d get the green card. In states like New York and California, it takes at least six years to gain permanent residency. This wait is further hardened by putting pressure on the worker by not allowing him to switch jobs. Any job loss or promotion would put the process back at square one. My dad had to fight to keep his job during the employment reduction period that took place at his workplace. He was more concerned with our status than his employment. </p>

<p>However, the troubles I face as an immigrant student are almost trivial to those faced by the millions of undocumented students in America. These foreign-born students often arrive illegally in the US at a very young age. While they are aware of this move, they are unaware of the legal aspects. They may excel in academics and sports and contribute to the community. When they reach to time to evaluate their future, however, the students realize their illegal status bars them from moving to the next level. Sadly, their talents and intellectual abyss are left to decay.</p>

<p>As a measure to combat this problem, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) proposed the DREAM Act to the Senate in 2002. The act will break the financial barriers for students aged between twelve and twenty-one who have lived in the US for at least five years to qualify for in-state tuition and financial aid. They must have a high school diploma or GED in order to receive this interim legal status for six years. With this interim status, the students are able to function like a legal resident by being able to obtain licenses and traveling through the country freely. If they show strong moral character during these six years, students are then eligible for a permanent legal status. </p>

<p>Most of the 50,000 undocumented students who graduate high school each year seek education at a higher institution. But with the soaring tuition prices, they were unable to attend. As a person who strongly believes in this cause, I took action by signing a petition affirming the DREAM Act. However, this Act can only be propelled by conscientious citizens who believe these students be given another chance. I also tried to help the cause indirectly by working at the International Institute of Akron during my junior summer. The Institute provided legal counseling, ESL and computer classes, and children’s programs. I taught the computer class for refugees. Most of my students had never seen a computer. The class focused on very basic computer skills. I also tutored a Venezuelan student in writing. These experiences helped me see all the different challenges immigrants face. I also realized that illegal immigrants cannot obtain legal advice from such Institutes. The children along with their parents must live in the shadows without any opportunity to succeed. </p>

<p>The current immigration law puts many high caliber students at a tragic loss. Their dream of attending college and becoming a citizen is crushed. The students took no part in their parents’ decision to immigrate illegally. Therefore they should not be subjected to the same penalties. Moreover, education is a human right. This right has already been manifested by the unlawfulness faced by African Americans attending higher institutions. America must not make the same mistake twice, and by passing the DREAM Act, students may once again be able to walk towards their goal. There should never be a barrier to success.</p>

<p>Criticism appreciated. One good thing though. Word Count: 701!!</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

<p>You have many grammatical errors and need a bit of editing. Also, this might be an issue of concern to millions of undocumented aliens but many Americans see it the other way. Nevertheless, you are entitled to your opinion and I thought you did make your case pretty well. </p>

<p>"The only problem, however, was that I still didn’t have a Permanent Residence Status, or casually referred to as “green card.”"
Don't need to say 'casually referred to as'. It's not needed here and does not add to the essay.</p>

<p>"My family had applied seven years ago, and the process is still prolonging. "
Change to 'process is still ongoing'.</p>

<p>"This wait is further hardened by putting pressure on the worker by not allowing him to switch jobs."
I would change 'hardened' to 'made more difficult'. But you
suddenly switched, without warning, from your family's situation to a general statement about people waiting for green cards. You did not add a transitional sentence. You could make this personal by speaking about your father in this sentence and it makes sense in this context as well.</p>

<p>"Sadly, their talents and intellectual abyss are left to decay."
Intellectual abyss? Don't get it. Did you mean 'intellectual potential'?</p>

<p>"But with the soaring tuition prices, they were unable to attend."
Change to 'they are unable to attend'.</p>

<p>"However, this Act can only be propelled by conscientious citizens who believe these students be given another chance. "
Not 'another chance' but 'a chance'.</p>

<p>"This right has already been manifested by the unlawfulness faced by African Americans attending higher institutions. "
Don't get this at all. Unlawfullness? Did you mean 'discrimination'. Also, I wouldn't use such sweeping generalizations without backing it up with statistics. But why bother? Your essay is about illegal/undocumented aliens and talking about African Americans only muddies the waters and does not contribute to the essay. I would remove this entire statement.</p>

<p>"The current immigration law puts many high caliber students at a tragic loss."
Change 'at a tragic loss' to 'at a huge disadvantage'.</p>

<p>""However, this Act can only be propelled by conscientious citizens who believe these students be given another chance. "</p>

<p>Change this sentence to:
'However, this Act can only become the law if citizens believe that these students deserve a chance'.</p>

<p>Actually, when I think about it, you haven't analyzed how you could make a reasonable case for this Act to become the law. Instead you have focused on how you helped illegals. Not a bad idea but your central thesis is that illegal students deserve the same chance as anyone else.</p>

<p>Thanks for your reply. Should I use only one tense?? I think I used the past tense more often, so should stick with it throughtout the paper or are you allowed to use both?</p>

<p>"Actually, when I think about it, you haven't analyzed how you could make a reasonable case for this Act to become the law."<----I kind of tried to make this a reasonable case by saying that this is a moral issue and they have the right to be educated. I thought it should be corrected even though it may not benefit citizens. Or should I just talk about how this act will benefit Americans? The act benefits Americans because these students will soon become legal taxpayers. This act would also decrease crime among these students because they would be in college. </p>

<p>"Instead you have focused on how you helped illegals." <-----I added the part about volunteering in the Institute because I wanted adcoms to see that I got involved in the issue and tried to do something about it by signing petitions. Or is this extraneous materials that must be taken out?</p>

<p>For coherency, do you think it is hard to see the connection with me and this issue? I am an immigrant who faces difficulty getting financial aid. I viewed this as being trivial compared to illegal students and then went from there. Does the reader follow what I am trying to get at? </p>

<p>Yeah, I kind of wanted to say that African Americans faced segregation in American institutions. America made a mistake in denying education as a human right. I tried to make the same connection with illegal students. But your're right, I should just take it out. Plus it would take up more words anyway. </p>

<p>Sorry, I am bad writer, I know. I guess I try to put too many things in at once. Any more suggestions would really help me out. Thanks!</p>

<p>also is this a very controversial issue? does it make me seem too selfish that I care about my immigration status and illegal immigrants? Overall, is this idea good or bad and are positions alright?</p>

<p>vinzzy, I don't think you are a bad writer at all! I think the essay is pretty good. I agree with everything you said in post #5, and making a case for it with stats etc. would not have shown how you care about the issue. So you are right: stick with what you have. Don't take out the part about helping illegal aliens! </p>

<p>It might be a controversial issue, but you care about it and that's what the adcoms want to know. Overall, I think your positions are fine. Good luck!</p>

<p>This is a very good start, but it's too long. You need to condense it and try not to jump around. I don't like the opening few sentences. It does not indicate what you are going to talk about...right away I went 'yawn' another essay about the college ap process. Jump right into your topic. Try to see if you can get away from the passive voice. I'm also wondering if you really talk like this essay is written. So many stiff and awkward phrases. Try to be more natural. Some are pointed out above but :This wait is further hardened by putting pressure on the worker by not allowing him to..." Waits are not hardened. Only substances or persons are hardened. They are hard. </p>

<p>You make some good points, but you would make a better point and a better essay through brevity. Try to cut it down 1/3 to 1/4. Cut it by sticking to the point, and tightening up sentences like the one quoted above.</p>

<p>Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you pointed out the introduction was boring. Should I explain a scenario that happens with illegal immigrants when they try to apply for colleges? After that explain how I am able to connect with them b/c I face similar problems. Or should I just open it with explaining that I don't have a green card i.e. start with 2nd paragraph?? Any other suggestions that would interest the reader?</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>