Essay Rough Draft Idea..these must be getting old

College Essays
1

<p>Hi everyone,</p>

<p>This is just a very rough draft of something that i wrote up today. Could you please provide feedback. </p>

<pre><code>In eighth grade I received a call from my mom who was in tears. She explained to me that her recent CT scan revealed that she had a brain aneurysm. Her mother had nearly died from one many years earlier, but I didn’t understand why she was so distressed. When I heard the news I barely reacted, I barely cared. I was only thirteen and had no knowledge of neurological disorders and their potential for danger. I remember the next few months before her surgery she had became almost obsessed with the aneurysm. She hung papers around our house that read; “believe” or “you will be okay” and still I thought she was over reacting. On February 24, 2008 she entered the operating room and for many years I thought this was the last time I ever talked to my “real mom.”

The surgery was a success and the aneurysm was clipped off, but there were some complications. During the surgery her heart stopped twice and she suffered two strokes. During her six-month recovery I noticed she was different, but everyday seemed to reaffirm that. Because her strokes occurred in the frontal cortex her personality was affected. She was very distant and not herself. She used to be the super mom who came home from work everyday and miraculously made dinner, did laundry, worked out, cleaned the house and repeated that process everyday without ever really complaining. But when she came home she didn’t do any of the things she used to do. She spent her time watching TV or driving around aimlessly going through a tank of gas in a day or two. She gained a tremendous amount of weight and had the maturity of a five year old. Because of all this change I thought she wasn’t my mom.

My parents were divorced so it was just my mom and I living together. All the old things she used to do fell into my hands. I had to cook and clean and I basically ran the house. My dad was exposed to chemical weapons while in Iraq so I was used to dealing with a sick parent, but not like this. She had become a whole new person and this really tore me up. I spent many moments thinking about her before surgery and how much I wanted that person back. She had meant the world to me and this person was just not her.

After a few months the weirdest thought entered my mind. I actually wished she had died instead of living. I believed it would have been easier to except her passing than to except her new self. My emotional state started to go downhill. I was doing decent in school and staying out of trouble, but inside I was hurting a lot. I kept hoping for her to recover and go back to how she was, but this is often not the case with traumatic brain injuries. I felt like I had lost the one person in your life you shouldn’t lose, the one person who knew what to say to make you feel better no matter what.

My views about my mom’s health stuck with me for about three years until one day I decided that she is still my mom. Coming to this realization took many years, but since then my perspective has changed. This experience has influenced me in my career planning. Before this I was really unsure of what I wanted, but now I know that I really want to work hard to become a doctor. The reason for this is that I hope I can give other people a better quality of life than both my parents have. If not for the training and expertise of Dr. Boulos my mother would not have survived and I am glad I have come to terms with the fact of not wanting that. I hope that one day I can give people a second chance and give young boys more days with their mothers.
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2

<p>Hi! How are you doing? After a lengthy leave of absence from these forums, JustAnotherTry is back, now reporting from Johns Hopkins University. First things first: which colleges to do you aim to apply to, and what topic are you writing on? These two will help me tailor my response to your essay.
Secondly, I’ll give a brief overview of what I think. Take it with a grain of salt: there many are far more experienced users on CC, and many far more intelligent than me. I’ll try to hit the primary points.

  1. I really would avoid topics such as this. I’m really, really sorry to have to say this, but far too many applicants write about life crises and tragedies, both in their families and of themselves. Unless you have something extraordinary to offer (and once again, sorry, but this isn’t it), an admissions officer will probably just think “generic” and move on. That is not to say throw it all out the window, but instead, show how you grew. Your learning process takes place in the last two paragraphs in the span of a few sentences. This is what they want to hear in depth. Stretch is out. Outline your thoughts. And try not to be as brutal as “I actually wished she had died.” Also, most people would have seen that one coming given how the rest of it read.
  2. The ending is very, very weak. It seems to have no purpose other than to explain why you want to be pre-med, and colleges don’t give the slightest crap about that. The last sentence fizzes instead of hitting home. It makes it sound like a sob story. Once again, I want to be absolutely clear that I empathize with your family tragedy, and that in itself it demonstrates your strength of personality and perseverance, but that it makes a poor writing topic.<br>
  3. Less exposition. You tell way too much about the course of your mother’s tragedy. Once again, this is about you. Your reactions and your ideas should be predominant, not medical fact and your mother.</p>

<p>Well, let me know what you think, and if you need more help, you just need to ask, or even better, PM my account. I’ll be up and about. Thanks for the opportunity to hear your story.</p>