Essay Tips and Help

College Essays
1

<p>If anyone would like to give me tips or help me out that would be great!</p>

<p>Colleen Cantwell
College Admissions Essay</p>

<p>I think of my life as a mosaic; different people and events make up the different tiles of my overall mosaic. Each chapter has its own distinct tile. All of these tiles eventually develop to illustrate the person I am. Some tiles have smooth edges while others have jagged ones. Although I have many jagged tiles in my mosaic,I also have many smooth edges. Some events in my life that can be included in my smooth tiles would be coming to the high school, meeting my best friend, and learning who I am. Some people who would make up my smooth tiles include my family, cousins, best friend, and most of all my dance teacher Ms. Nicole.
“You have to do what is right for you, don’t worry about other people”, Ms. Nicole says as we stretch to upbeat music, and talk about how all of our days went.
Four days a week I walk in to a dance class of about twelve girls, we start our classes by stretching and talking. We chatter about our daily problems and all the little troubles we are having within all of our very diverse lives. Our dance teacher chimes in when needed and gives us advice, the best advice. In Ms. Nicole’s everyday dance class not only do we learn dance but we learn about life. This goes from life’s simplest lessons to some of the most important ones. Dance is by far the best part of my every day.
I knew four years ago on the first day that I walked into my first dance class with Ms.Nicole as a teacher that her class was going to be so much more than just a dance class. From that day on I felt like I could tell Ms. Nicole anything, she has not only been a friend to me but a mother figure, almost like a second mother. I am so lucky to have a person like this in my life because not everyone does.
I have learned many valuable lessons from Ms. Nicole. Not only did I get a passion for dance and everything about it from her, but I learned how to grow up and be a happy, successful person. She has taught me that you can achieve anything you can possibly imagine, if you persevere and work hard. Getting what you want may take over your whole life, but it will in the end be worth it.</p>

2

<p>A little bit cliche in the last paragraph.</p>

3

<p>I would not post this on CC. Believe it or not, copy and paste essay thieves exist even on these forums. </p>

<p>Besides that, the essay feels cliche and forced. Including dance is a good idea, but it needs to be well done. Your essay is also somewhat short. I would talk more about dance, and what it means to you as an activity, and aim for about 500 to 600 words.</p>

4

<p>Just a grammar thing, but I feel a lot of the sentences are longer than they should be. Example: “From that day on I felt like I could tell Ms. Nicole anything, she has not only been a friend to me but a mother figure, almost like a second mother.” You can split that into two, right after the word “anything.” Be careful of that.</p>

5

<p>To clean up your essay, I suggest that you avoid repitition. Look at these sentences:</p>

<p>“Some tiles have smooth edges while others have jagged ones. Although I have many jagged tiles in my mosaic,I also have many smooth edges.” </p>

<p>Think about what the sentence is telling the reader. Both sentences tell the reader the same thing, so cut one.</p>