After researching where most girls from our area end up playing (in my daughter’s sport), none were academic matches for my daughter or places that she could see herself going without the sport. That was really the #1 motivator for getting off the hamster wheel. I see parents spending thousands on prospect camps at as many colleges as they can squeeze in over the year. Maybe colleges pick up a few outliers from prospect camps but for the most part, they already know who is out there and have reached out.
@LostInTheShuffle yes I have heard of this. There are group of parents teaming up to ensure their children’s seats in school Orchestra. The discussion of “right instrument” to play (they even have list of college missing what instruments etc)
My child does not play instrument so they feel “safe” (not competitors) to share this with me. I am baffled.
My message didn’t convey stopping all sports. I think that sports play a huge part of a child’s development. I’m a big believer in high school sports participation.
No one is diminishing a child’s active participation in sports. Message was and continues to be: doing a sport that is child-centered, that the child enjoys, that the family supports, in a mentally healthy way.
My message was that a family needing an athletic scholarship could just as easily put small funds into a 529 account. I’m not saying they have to stop sports at the high school or collegiate levels; if anything additional monies in a 529 would help an athlete.
In the past few months after my child starts middle school. I really feel my eyes are wide open by the intensiveness and competitiveness starting from such a young age. It is a dramatic acceleration from our experience in elementary school. I have always thought, middle school is a time to start exploring more activities, focus on academic (find interest) or hon the sports skills.
Thank you all for the advice. Really appreciate that.
That has happened in my daughter’s cohort as well - some parents have been quite calculating and have mapped out remarkably detailed life plans for their kids, it’s scary.
Reflecting further on your situation, we’ve befriended less obsessed and intense parents, both at school and the conservatory (by the way, that does not mean their kids are not talented - they (the parents) are just more balanced in their outlook). Perhaps there are similarly-minded parents where you are.
You know this is funny because there are parents preparing for the internship opportunities among their own circles for their college aged children. (Even “blind” date, is not so blind. it is planned)
I totally get what you said because I found myself more comfortable scheduling play date with parents willing to let their children roaming around and choosing their own activities. I have encountered a parent “nagging” me to persuade my child to participate an after school academic activity so their their child will be more willing to do it (their child enjoy hanging out with mine) they thought to have my child around so that it motivates theirs.
My views on sports in college has definitely changed over the years as my kids have grown.
For me it now breaks down into this. If a kid loves a sport he/she should play it in college if they want to. If a sports scholarship is the only way for a kid to get to college then they probably should play in college. But sports in college is a job and filled with as many horror stories as there are heart warming stories.
My D19 swam her whole life. She didn’t get tall and peaked in 8th or 9th grade. She ended up giving up swim and water polo by her senior year of HS. She did end up doing private swim lessons that year and made a boatload of $$$. She had plenty of friends that went on to swim in college. Some hated it. A few like/loved it. Plenty quit before their 4 years were up in college.
D23 had a different experience with sports as kid. She only played basketball. She did play a couple years of travel. By 8th grade she knew she was ready to be done. Ironically she started to get a bit more serious about tennis about then. Since she only played one sport as a kid she would get tennis lessons when there was time. She was never serious. She ended up making varsity her freshman year. She is a solid HS player with no chance at college and she knows that nor does she want to play in college. She does some group lessons in the off season to keep her swing. Nothing crazy. So 3 weeks ago when she sprained her ankle it wasn’t the end of the world that her season ended.
The odd thing about D23 is that she was named captain for this season as a junior. She is a different kid and somehow it translates well to being a captain. She stays out of the normal drama of girls. She was named captain by her travel BB team(voted by players) even though she was one of less talented kids. Her demeanor translates well to leadership positions. She is now the President of the Game Club at school and was captain of the JV Scholastic Bowl team last year. So she will never be a Superstar Sports kid, but I think she has the making of a good essay for college about being a different leader.
Looking back at my child’s (in college now) experience in competitive sports, I learn that some of my mistakes were:
-I did not heed the coach’s advice that “there is no athletic scholarship in this sport, so calm down and enjoy the games”;
-I took it personally when other parents switched their children to pair with others after partnering with my child, as I did not understand that these partner-pairing is very dynamic and is not meant to be permanent.
I am glad that my child participated, and I hope that he was not (too) damaged by my behaviors. When applying to college, his experience as a coach, was much more useful in showing his commitment and service to others, than his “accomplishments” as a player.
This resonates with me, along with the statement upthread about the kid making money with private lessons.
Kiddo will never be a rockstar swimmer, but he has done rec swim team every summer since he was 5. It is the community that keeps him coming back. He is now a junior coach and loves the gig, teaching little kids how to swim. Hopefully next summer he can do the private lesson thing.
That experience- growing up in a community and morphing from the kid who looks up to the teens to being one of those teens - has been incredible for him. It has nothing to do with college aspirations for him. Which ironically is probably why it would make great fodder for a college application. I have no idea if it will make it into an essay though.
The only negative for him this past summer it wasn’t uncommon for multiple parents per day to ask him where he was applying to college. There is no escaping it.
A lot of excellent comments and advice in this thread. Parents with kids who are going through this or are about to go through this should read this thread.
There’s a reason you’re exhausted…becaue it’s exhausting.
Crazy sports parents are the worst type of parents. At the age you’re talking about, on the “competitive” teams, there will be a large number of parents that believe their child is a future D1 athlete. I’m at the very tail end of my club sports journey and I can tell you not one of the players my son grew up playing with in town are heading to a D1 college(or D3 for that matter) to play soccer. Not one. He’s been on the same club team since 7th grade, though the team has transitioned through different leagues. There are only 3 other players that have been on the team with him the entire time. The rest have dropped off, or been dropped, for various reasons. Of those 3 players, only 1 is headed to a D1 school, the other 2 have no offers at any level though they graduate this year. Recruiting is really hard, much harder than the club sports journey itself.
As players grow older and the funnel narrows the commitment increases for both the athletes and their families. Things won’t get any easier for you, or your child. As things progress, if the player doesn’t really love the grind you need to proceed with caution.
It is perfectly acceptable(and quite normal) to play a sport simply for the enjoyment associated with being part of a team. That’s the healthy side of things. In middle school my son played town travel soccer, town baseball, flag football and club soccer. It was ridiculously hectic but he loved every minute of it because he lives to compete. Let your child drive the bus. Not everyone wants to get on the competitive sports treadmill and turn it up to 10.
Agree with this. The hard part is with certain team sports the level of skill and talent between players and between teams can be very disparate. If your kid is decent and is the type who wants to compete with the best (and win), you almost are stuck with having to play with sport obsessed kids and worse, parents.
It is laughable to think of the parents who thought their kids were going to be D1/pro athletes when they were in middle school. A lot of kids who “matured” early lost their physical advantage in high school. Burnout and injuries claim a bunch more. My D and her best friend were the “runts” of their youth travel team. They both were 4 year HS varsity players while most of their erstwhile teammates were cut or had dropped out of their sport. D’s best friend even made 1st Team All State in the “big school” division of a hotbed state. You just never know.
It’s funny, when commitments start to come in the crazy parents get quiet if their players are uncommitted.
The world is full of crazy people. Put some distance between them and you and things will get much better. Being a GK parent always allowed me to stand all the way down at the end of the field. I’m sure people thought I was hovering over my son. I was just avoiding the loudmouthed parents on both teams. I’ve never said anything to any player, ref or coach during a game. At a young age my son even asked us not to cheer for him when he did something well. He wanted us silent during games becaue he saw how other parents behaved. We’ve always honored that wish.
Also, the road to a college commitment is incredibly difficult, at least for the vast majority of potential recruits. From the outside, one sees the end result, but one doesn’t see the literally years of blood, sweat, tears, and rejection that it takes to get to that end point. Just take a look at some of the recent threads in the Athletic Recruiting forum, which talk about the struggles, uncertainty, and anxiety of the process.
I wish there were more opportunities for kids of all ages to play non- or less-competitive organized sports like basketball, soccer, etc…
When my daughter was in 3rd grade we found out there was a new lacrosse league for girls in our county. She was very excited and it was great because for 3rd and 4th graders it was just running around, learning how to toss, catch, scoop, and cradle and learning the rules of the game. They wouldn’t start playing games against other teams until 5th grade. She had so much fun.
But, when we went to sign her up the next year, they changed it so that 4th graders would be put on a team with uniforms and everything and we would have games every weekend.
My daughter was upset because she thought she had another year to just have fun and learn how to play. Why do 4th graders who could barely throw and catch the ball need to start competing? She didn’t want me to sign her up.
Unfortunately, that meant she was done playing lacrosse for good. I tried teaching her skills in the backyard so she might be able to play the next year if she wanted, but it wasn’t as much fun as having young coaches and being in a group of girls her own age.
It’s strange because in our city it’s really difficult to find sports leagues for high school age kids that aren’t extremely competitive. There aren’t even many club sports at the two giant high schools. Isn’t there anyplace besides pickup games for kids who love to play but aren’t good enough to make the high school teams or who just don’t want to be in leagues that are that competitive?
My son started lacrosse in 2nd grade (just fun…no real games against other teams etc.) but the town started lax in Kindergarten and we were warned that that he might be behind the other kids because they had already been playing for two seasons.
So at seven years old, he was considered to be "behind " the curve. Seven!!
The good news is there were a whole lot of other parents who had a sense of perspective and he had a great time playing youth lacrosse and Club Lax, and this spring he will play his final season as a 12th grader; no college lacrosse for him, but it was always about having fun, learning skills, hanging out with buddies and enjoying the experience.
What my kids do is go down to the local park for pickup Basketball games. Not sure you can do this for Lacrosse. They’ve played with adults, they’ve played with younger kids, and they play for fun. In most European countries, there is always a pickup soccer game going on in spaces much smaller than what we have around here. At the green space across from our house there are American football games going on most afternoon with local kids. Not everything needs to organized by adults.
I was a girl who didn’t have any problem joining pickup basketball games with a bunch of boys, but in general, girls are less likely to get involved in pickup games than boys (it’s probably better now than when I was a kid, but still).
Pickup games are great. But, kids do benefit from organized team sports. It’s too bad there aren’t more non- or less-competitive club leagues.
Same. For softball it jumps from town recreational leagues to competitive travel beginning at 8U. The rec. level goes all the way up to 18U but there’s such a wide variety of ability, it often isn’t enough for the kids who have some talent. They did develop some challenge teams through the town leagues but they aren’t good enough to compete at tournaments against the club level talent, so it just leaves them playing the challenge teams from other towns on repeat.
Interestingly, my daughter was asked to play on the 18U town rec team spring of her senior year. Turns out the 18U teams were full of college-committed talent that wanted to keep working on their skills. It turned out to be a very competitive season and a fun way for her to end her sport, where she began it 12 years earlier.