I am soon to have two ‘adult’ children living in my home; one has been here forever (went to college locally) and doesn’t contribute much (anything) in the way of helping around the house, or financially; the other is a recent grad. will absolutely not have those issues.
I am of the mind where I believe adult kids should make a financial contribution; we don’t need the $, but I think it teaches financial responsibility for when they eventually have their own homes, and their own bills to pay. I also think they should have their chores.
I’d like to have a family sit-down and lay out expectations and requirements. For kid #2, this is no issue and will do whatever we require or ask, but getting kid #1 on board is a different story. I don’t want to be their ‘mommy’, but as their mom, I don’t want to be doing everything to maintain the household.
How do or did you handle adult kids either living at, or moving back home?
My sister was in this situation and at 61, still (with her husband) lives with my dad.
They can write a sitcom about it.
Her husband (second) pays $500 a month to my dad - it’s weird.
But mainly she runs the house - cooks, cleans, shops, etc. She pays for that stuff - she can afford it.
In general, finances are tough and you have to decide what they can afford and what sends the message you want to send .
But at a mininum, hopefully they’re cleaning up after themselves and contributing in some way - financial or otherwise. Shopping for you even if you are paying, doing the dishes, unloading the dishwasher, picking up food on the way home for take out…whatever it is. Making your life easier, not more difficult.
I personally think the easiest way to not be the “mommy” is to treat them the way you’d treat anyone else renting a room from you. I’d have them pay rent (even if it’s nominal) and they would clean up and cook for themselves and maintain their own spaces. If you choose to include them in dinner plans, they can either clean up or rotate who cooks. I think if you “assign chores” you’re setting yourself up for high school 2.0
One of my kids graduated college, went straight to grad school, and lived on her own ever since.
My younger child graduated college, moved into her own apartment for a few years while working, and then decided to move home to save more money while working. She’s not a spender and has a lot of money saved. She moved home last summer and is moving out in August to return to school; she will have been home for a year.
Personally, I enjoy having her home and love our conversations. She pays her own bills (clothing etc) and is very responsible, mature etc. She cooks and always asks if she should make extra for us, and cleans up afterwards. She also loves to clean the house. My H and I have not asked her to contribute financially- we pay for food (sometimes she buys her own and shares) etc.
It’s possible that I would feel differently if I thought she was here indefinitely and was not motivated to move on but that is not the case. I also agree that adult children move home for different reasons (mental health etc)
I do not blame you at all for not wanting to do everything, and your feelings are valid. I might be in the minority for not taking rent, but I prefer she save it for school (she is extremely responsible with money) and we do not need the money.
Ours came back, and that was fine. I don’t think it’s useful to pretend circumstances don’t warrant it, sometimes.
We had ours pay rent, cash. I did not cook for him, clean for him, or do his laundry. No curfew or check in. He did have to keep looking for a job, and we had agreed ahead of time that after 6 weeks, he’d find a volunteer gig if no job appeared.
He did voluntarily post a rough outline of his week, and if he said he was going to be home for dinner, for example, I would include him in the meal. i didnt ask him where he was going, or with whom. But he is an agreeable person with no difficult issues. I think otherwise we would have had a target for moving out.
You could approach the sit down as a chance to completely reset. One approach is that as a house full of adults, this is now a roommate situation. And so everyone has a share of the household cost and care.
An amount for “rent” every month gets them a bedroom and access to the shared spaces. What happens (cleaning, not etc) in the bedroom is their call. Shared spaces have to be maintained nicely and they can choose to contribute to that through active work or they can pay a fee to cover your time. Essentially sweat equity vs. cash. Everyone is on their own for meals/food. If you make a great dinner and want to “invite” them, amazing. But there should be no expectation that you’re cooking or buying for the group.
If you don’t need the money and have some internal hesitation with collecting, save what they pay you and give it back to them as a gift when they move out.
This can all sound really harsh but the messaging can also be pretty empowering: “You aren’t kids anymore and we want to respect that. We want you to feel as close to being on your own as you will when you get your own place.”
Personal choice of course, but to me it’s MORE important for them to have house contributions that are not financial. So, tasks around the house, shopping/cooking food = more important than $$$. If they have a job, writing a check/Venmo takes no time and little personal investment. The time investment in household operations breeds more adult responsibility IMO.
I’d come with a list of things to talk about, expectations as a STARTING point, options. And I’d tell them ahead of time to come with their own agenda. Maybe they have a “living together” laundry list - like, “don’t enter their room without permission/knocking”, “my time is my time - don’t watch the clock when I’m not home”, whatever.
It depends why they are moving back. One of my kids is depressed and struggling. No rent required. However, help around the house, up by 9 am, work towards certain qualifications he needs, etc.
If claiming mental health issue, they must be actively addressing with therapy or meds.
I would get estimates for things such as lawn care and house cleaner. Child can either choose to do those things weekly or else they will be charged for it.
I would charge rent minimum of 50-100/week. Id also put in writing and make them sign this as a lease agreement. With a clearly written out expectation that they live on their own at a certain date.
D1 lived at home 3.5 years. She paid grocery bill every other week. Also since she is a teacher in the summers she typically cookkmed dinner most nights. Her then fincee moved im at thev2.5 mark. He contributed by doing dishes on nights he didnt have class.
Purpose of them living with us was to save money for rent/downpayment.
Thank you for posting and I have no suggestions except the idea of a reset - it most likely will be hardest on you. Sending you good vibes moving forward.
I am having a hard time JUST having kids home from college for only the summer and seeing my labor increase so much vs the school year. Part is our fault, as we did 95% of the work when they were growing up, as we felt that school, activities, and being a kid was their priority. I am a bit resentful this summer and talked about it to them and now they are jumping in a bit more. (one is off doing the grocery shopping right now). It is a fine line for summer and is a topic my husband and I should address in advance with them if one or both move back after college to our home before a job or getting settled.
I know when I came home from college or even when I visited my parents when I was a grown ass adult with a family - I still expected to have my mom “mommy” me - shame on me ! She happily did it - or in my view she seemed happy about it
I have three adults living at home. My expectations are that they are either employed or moving forward (one is in grad school.) They pay for their own expenses and pitch in around the house without me policing them. I consider them more housemates than children and they know it. I respect them and expect respect both for my husband and I and each other. It’s been pretty smooth sailing here, but I want them all to eventually fly on their own.
My kids end up home due to student loans, living here is every much a gift as paying their full tuition (which we couldn’t manage). They do their own laundry, cook meals for themselves besides dinner (I like cooking dinner), they don’t pay for food (again, loans), and I just had a come to Jesus about dishes in the dishwasher, they’ve all lived in apartments and their biggest complaint was dishes in the sink, so I think get it (I threatened to toss anything I found in the sink). When they were in HS, they were SO busy with work, school, sports, other activities, up late studying, that I did a lot (I had the time). They’re good at driving each other (right now there are 5 living here with 3 cars). They are in charge of their rooms. They all work (although one doesn’t get paid, she’s asked about me finding projects for her to get paid for). Right now two of my messiest are out, but one just had the house he lives in sold, they’re scrambling and he might need to come back. Two of my neatest are back, and the last messy one is back and forth with free campus housing 10 minutes away for the summer.
Mainly, I like to know when they are/will be visiting, when they plan to arrive & depart, if they plan to eat with us or not. They are pretty good about cleaning up for themselves and was their own laundry. They sometimes do a grocery run or pick up sone takeout for everyone. We need to coordinate transportation because only 2 cars with 4 people but normally everything works fine.
Please be respectful of the home and everyone living in it. Don’t come in loudly at 3 AM and please let us know if you’ll be having friends over.
Do housework and other stuff without being asked. If you live here, help out! If the dishwasher is full, start it. If it’s ready to be unloaded, unload it. If the garbage can is full, empty it. If you eat, rinse the dish and put it in the dishwasher. Also, be willing to help with stuff like yardwork, cleaning, etc. And always offer to do errands like grocery shopping, etc.
Please keep all spaces clean and neat. I’m not OCD, but please try to keep everything somewhat neat.
Another thing: we are fine with kids moving home if they need to. But, if they’re just moving home so they can have more disposable income to spend on partying and trips since they’re not paying rent, that’s not allowed. If you live at home with a job, you pay rent and most (or all) of your expenses.
My kids were only back for short stints after college/grad school. We did not charge any rent as we knew they were both saving up to move into apartments in NYC. Both were appreciative of having a “temporary landing spot” and helped out what I felt was an appropriate amount without being asked.
My big rule was if they were going to be out later than they mentioned to just call/text out of courtesy so we won’t worry. Funny thing is once S was home and H and I were out much later than anticipated – he was concerned and asked why I didn’t follow my own rule and let him know. That was unexpected – I never thought our kids would worry about us being out late but he was 100% right and I apologized quickly.
Start with the stated premise that you don’t want to resent them or feel beleagured by their presence. You want to be happy to come home and see their smiling faces, and that will require whatever is needed to keep things to some vague approximation of your standards.
For me, that includes clear counters, no dishes in the sink, reasonably swept floors, no hair in the shower or sink. Help when there is a task at hand, whether carrying groceries, meal prep or cleanup. Five minutes of pitching in shows good will and prevents longer periods of resentment. Take responsibility for a single task, whether vacuuming or yard work, so I don’t have to think about it or ask.
Communicate schedules and needs, on both sides. Discuss meal prep and how share the responsibility.
My Dad was Spanish and I lived in South America for a year. It’s quite normal to have an extended family living together so I don’t think it’s odd. Our son, age 26, still lives with is. Moved home from college during Covid. He works full time and is just pleasant to be around.
We don’t ask for money. He saves almost all he has, I think it concerns him that he’ll never make a lot. Like someone said above, he’s more a flat mate. He’s responsible, cleans his own areas and helps around the house. I don’t care how long he lives at home, really. But I know we are lucky we all get along.
Two of mine never returned home after going to college. One came home due to mental health. At the time I had a house. I did not charge rent or have any requirements. Kid did get help on their own steam and found a job, but I never asked them to. We ate and slept and lived on our own separate schedules. It was nice.
Since 2014 I have lived in small one bedroom apartments after selling the house in a divorce. I wish I could offer refuge to my kids but fortunately they are on their own and don’t need it. I would be grateful to have space for them to stay!
Right after I sold my house there was a 3 month period where I lived with my 85 year old mother with my daughter. It was sweet. My daughter would say “morning grandma” and give her a hug. My mother was so happy. I remember thinking that three generations together felt natural and right.
ps I read a book titled “The Boomerang Generation” and adult kids returning home is a worldwide phenomenon.
