I don’t really know where to begin. I slept for ten hours last night and couldn’t get out of bed today. I am completely raw and can’t stop crying.
My path in college has been difficult. I went to a CC right after high school (2011) and did great my first semester with a solid 4.0. The next semester (spring 2012) I was more interested in not going and I started getting really frustrated with the parking so I stopped going and ended up withdrawing.
I didn’t go the following fall (fall 2012). I found a school 2 1/2 hours away that had a pre vet and vet tech program combined and was accepted for the next fall (fall 2013). I as completely ecstatic and told everyone I knew and couldn’t know wait to put my nose to the grindstone.
I took two classes at my CC in spring (2013) and ended up withdrawing from algebra. The year went by and I went to the university and I actually liked it. I made two awesome friends who I palled around with and I did awesome my first semester, getting an A in algebra (a big deal for me; I suck at math) and a 3.8 GPA.
Spring came and with it, harder classes. I did okay, I got a 3.3 GPA, but it was disappointing. I decided the program was too long and that I just wanted to be a vet tech for a while and then think about vet school. I applied to a SUNY school that was 50 miles closer and was accepted for fall 2014.
I went. It’s a total nightmare. The fall went okay, I passed anatomy and got a B in microbiology, but I failed Chem and had to withdraw from another class.
I have made zero friends except for acquaintances in class. I drive home constantly just to get the hell away from here. Classes last from 8-5 with no breaks M-W, I have Thursday off, and Friday I have class 9-1. I usually get a tension headache M-W, am completely starving by noon, and I always feel behind the others. I’m taking only 14 credits but they’re difficult classes.
Sometimes I try to put it all into perspective: it’s only another year or so and the work isn’t impossible, just difficult. But it doesn’t always work. I feel so depressed right now that it physically hurts. I am a forgetful person and I am behind printing out notes. Today I was supposed to bring a fecal sample to parasit and I forgot it, making me late to class.
Yesterday we did essential skills (required by the AVMA) and my professor humiliated me in front of my classmates. I forgot where the saphenous vein was and she kept berating me about it until I got so upset I started crying. It was humiliating and I wanted to run out of the room but I stuck it out and let her keep ripping on me while I practiced.
I am falling behind very quickly. I don’t think I have the drive a lot of others in this program do. My grades have never been lower. My mother is an RN and keeps telling me to stick it out but I cannot do this anymore. I want to switch to a major I can actually tolerate, like English (which I’m really good at) or history (another thing I’m really good at). I love writing; I have written several novels and have my own little fan base online.
This is crushing me and I’m only 1/3 of the way through the semester. I have tried sucking it up more times than I can count but I can’t do it anymore. I thought this major was what I wanted but I think I’m doing it to impress my peers and give my parents something to brag about. My mom is always telling me about how her nurse friends have kids who are vets and doctors.
I’m also the only person in my immediate and extended family who is going to college. My grandfather is elated. My little cousin recently got pregnant and he was almost in tears telling my mom he just wanted one of us to graduate. I have a ton of credits at this point so I’m thinking of changing majors to graduate quickly.
This is a long post but I feel worse than I ever have and exhausted and spent. I just want to go home, crawl into bed, and sleep forever.