<p>The issue of a child who excelled in PS but received lower grades in BS is very common and often discussed in posts. I agree that the metrics used in PS and BS or between BS are very different. I was told that the Andover grading system (a scale of 1 - 6, 6 being the highest grade) is set ups such that a “4” (an average grade) is the equivalent (in difficulty) of a 4.0 at “the average public school”. Colleges do take some of this into account when they judge PS and BS applicants, though it obviously goes only so far, and we no longer live in a world in which Yale accepts 70 students from Andover each year.</p>
<p>Still, I agree that the BS education is generally much more rigorous (though I know, now always).</p>
<p>It always comes back to what you value most and the trade-offs you are willing to make.</p>
<p>And, I have always felt that I was glad to have my daughter at BS with excellent academic advisors, dorm counsellors and many other peers to commiserate with while her teenage head was spinning in a circle during adolescence. Not that I didn’t miss her… but I was happy there were others there as well to help.</p>
<p>I have to say this is the richest thread I’ve ever enjoyed here. I’ve been copying and pasting great advice left & right.
Thanks much for all the insights.</p>
<p>Sorry to heap on the misery, but a cursory re-read here reveals no one has mentioned the reality of academic burnout and how that carries forward into college. I cannot tell you the number of classmates and friends from the top schools in my era who have told me that they essentially blew off their first 2 years of college–many at the elite Ivies and so forth–because they were fried from the race to the prize of gaining admittance. When I think about the cost of 2 years at an elite private institution NOW versus the gap year experiences a kid could have…so for us, in our search 2 years ago, it was critical to find a school with the right academic culture for DC, so that we knew he’d be engaged and challenged and would get some mental exercise, but also where he could be a teen, still occasionally goof off and make strong friendships without feeling like the entire place was dog-eat-dog. For our family, that school was Loomis, although NMH was a close second, and the comments WillemS has posted here recently lead me to believe we weren’t wrong about the culture there, either.</p>
<p>Again YMMV, some kids are totally up for the pressure cooker atmosphere that can predominate at the usually desired suspects, and some kids (I was one of these) can still totally succeed in that environment, but the delayed cost may not be worth the intense sacrifice during high school. (In my case, I chose a lower key college, got a fine education, grew up a ton socially, and ended up back in the Ivy world for grad school.)</p>
<p>Just another perspective, this is a very valuable thread for candidates and their families alike.</p>
<p>Hate to be a downer, but our family’s boarding school experience was wonderful. Had I read this thread, or one like it, years ago, then boarding school would have been out of the picture most likely.</p>
<p>In my opinion, much of one’s boarding school experience depends upon one’s attitude; if you focus on negatives, then you’ll see negatives–the trick is to do the opposite.</p>
<p>@PelicanDad, great post. We too focused on finding the right academic culture for DC, and I am certain it has made all the difference for him. He chose the school, and thankfully he was spot on in finding a good fit. For him, it meant a combination of great academics but not at the expense of everything else. </p>
<p>Interesting that DH, like you, went to a lower key college but was ready for the ‘big time’ for grad school. I am sure that if he got fried to a crisp in high school or college, he wouldn’t have done nearly as well. To each their own, in their own time.</p>
<p>@Axelrod, while most of the posters make lots of positive comments on other threads, THIS post, geared toward parents, was specifically to discuss the downsides. That was the point of the “Eyes wide open.” Frankly, I would be MORE worried if I could not find realistic threads like this – I’d fear all BS = Stepford. Many, and perhaps most, of the posters on this particular thread have discussed the UPsides in many CC threads.</p>
<p>For my part, I’ll say that these comments have been hugely helpful and insightful, and given me a great deal of food for thought as our dc and we as parents navigate the next few years.</p>
<p>If i could give one word of advice I’d caution those who are wondering if they should apply to only the big name BS vs. the hidden gems. Heres my take on it. I have a child in her final year in a big name school, for lack of a better description, and she realized that it’s not the name or prestige that will make the school but rather one’s attitude. This lesson learned through the BS process has made her a more educated consumer for the college process. She’s applying to a mix of schools, some are lesser known colleges because she knows what she wants rather than what looks and sounds good. The bottom line, most of the schools you look into are great schools so don’t get caught up in the hype.</p>
<p>As some have commented on other threads, once your child goes off to boarding school, it will never be quite the same as it was when said child was living under your roof. There will be things you just don’t ever know, because the school handled whatever minor issues came up. If your child is not the type to fill you in on every detail, you will be sometimes left feeling a bit adrift. Glad they are ok and growing, but you aren’t there to see it on a day to day basis. Parents can sometimes accept this in theory, but living it can be a different matter.</p>
<p>If you are not within driving distance to the school, you will likely not be there for all the games, concerts, performances, events, etc. The school may be good or not so good at posting photos, videos, and recaps online. You may need to accept not having any role or presence at Prom, for example.</p>
<p>And yes, boarding school is wildly expensive. If you are footing the bill and not wealthy, there will be sacrifices.</p>
<p>Last, since anything in life is always a mixed bag, you will probably have your share of ambivalent moments, wondering what would have been if your child took a different route. For us, we are certain, at least at this stage in the game, that it has all been worth it. But there is a pound of flesh to pay as a parent.</p>
<p>I have to say we made it a point to budget for both parent weekends just to have more concrete images of her campus life in our mind. And it’s been a good time to commiserate with other parents. But also, her friends are now posting a lot of photos on Facebook and we peek (but don’t post). The grins and giggles in the photos fill in a lot of blank spaces between the phone calls and Skype sessions.</p>
<p>Today is the last day of Thanksgiving break and it already doesn’t seem like it has been long enough. The week went by in the blink of an eye. Yes - they’ll be back in a few weeks, but it’s just agonizing to know I have to put her on a plane and say goodbye again. So don’t underestimate the need to have outside diversions while your child is gone - otherwise walking by that empty bedroom is like a hole in your heart.</p>
<p>But wouldn’t trade this for anything. Survived the year she was in Europe, and this is good prep work for next year when she’s in college. She’s better for it and so are we. She’s happier than she would have been if she’d stayed at her local school - and that’s all I can ask for.</p>
<p>But the heartache - no matter how you dress it up - is still pretty painful at times. The time whizzes by for our kids, and slows to a crawl for the rest of us. But us missing them is not a good reason to hold them back - if boarding school is really what “they” want.</p>
<p>Really great points, Exie. My feelings about “early onset empty nest syndrome” are similar. Also similarly, we wouldn’t trade this experience for our dd for anything.</p>
<p>That said, another downside that we experienced, though it was brief, seems to be specific to first year BS students, at least after watching other families’ kids do exactly the same thing: Freshman pre-college panic. The anguished and frantic phone call about how everyone else is so driven/directed/you-name-it and how will I ever get into a good college nevermind HYPS. if I don’t take AP French NEXT year and maybe double up on math and and and…</p>
<p>Remembering the experience of friends’ dc’s at various schools, I was able to listen and then “talk my dd down” without getting into a tizzy myself. She is now over that particular hump. But it does seem to be a fairly common experience, at least in my relatively small sample.</p>
<p>^^Concur. I’d say college awareness and associated sense of pressure–directing the BS experience toward the “right” college outcome–is more pervasive than parents might expect. Just as the squeaky wheels that focus on a limited number of schools here on CC draw an inordinate amount of attention, the kids and families obsessed with accessing the elite institutions at the next level manage to rachet up the anxiety level for all. The upside? A place where parental intervention can still make a difference with their kids?</p>
<p>YES! I think I (and others) mentioned it elsewhere… it’s really nice to have become both “wise counsel” and “sympathetic ear” instead of She Who Must Be Ignored. Not that dd <em>really</em> ignored us, but since she is no longer enjoys the quotidian nagging, er, advice, that comes with the teen-parent home dynamic, she calls us to ASK for it. And seeing her so independent and generally thriving leaves us more willing to “let stuff go.” So THAT part of it is definitely a plus. </p>
<p>But if anyone had told me a year and a half ago that my 13-year-old would be panicking about college admissions 6 weeks into the school year, I would have laughed. </p>
<p>And, by the way, the 6-week mark was just about where all the kids in my “boarding school circle” did the same thing.</p>
<p>Actually it is often the parents focus on elite college/university admission that increases the pressure on the students.</p>
<p>PelicanDad: The reason for inordinate attention on the most selective schools is that most don’t need any advice on how to get into schools that accept half or more of all applicants. Whether or not a college/university is a good match for a student is another question–but that’s partially what the admissions process to the most selective schools accomplishes.</p>
<p>^^You misread me. I said “families,” obviously implying parents. The point was that even if these families are a minority, if they’re a vocal minority, they can (& do) get everyone worked up.</p>
<p>Your second point is virtually irrelevant. Almost all grads of the top 30 BS go on to “selective” colleges with >50% admit rates.</p>
<p>I agree that some parents have such a focus, but I also think that it’s the fact that many of the new students are surrounded for the first time in their lives by similarly ambitious or driven peers. What might have seemed like a “given” when they were younger suddenly seems unattainable when they have overcome the initial newness (first month and a half, say) of their situation. Neither take is entirely accurate, in most cases. But it is something families considering boarding school should be aware of.</p>
<p>As for most searchers not needing advice on how to get into schools that accept half or more of all applicants, you may be right, but that’s beside the point. There is a considerable range of schools that are less than “most” selective but still don’t accept half or more applicants. The picture for those considering schools that accept a mere handful of applicants (say, one in ten) as well as some that might accept one in five, or even a third, is still not entirely clear for many, especially those new to the process. </p>
<p>Even for students attending schools that accept a “whopping” third or more of their applicants, the suddenness of being cast into a pool of similarly ambitious students brings the college issue (and therefore the panic, since we’re talking about kids younger than college-app age/grade) into sharp focus. Unless I’m mistaken, I believe that was PelicanDad’s point and clarification of a “downside.”</p>
<p>PelicanDad- that’s for sure! After six years of hanging out on athletic sidelines and concert receptions, I can attest to the fact there there is, indeed, a vocal minority who get everyone worked up. You learn quickly who to avoid. Duck and run! Having recently had two kids go through the college application process from CHADES (and several who had siblings going through the process at Loomis) I can tell you that most parents we know were very, very happy with the result from both schools.</p>
