Families entering the BS world with eyes open: know the DOWN SIDE

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Divided: As a busy teacher myself, I can only advise you to be persistent, specific about what you’d like, and grateful. An adviser who knows you appreciate what he or she is already doing is probably going to be more receptive to what you’d still like to see done. Seeing and admitting to your child’s flaws probably helps too! And yes, I feel blessed that our son has an adviser who is older and more experienced and just an incredibly kind and wonderful human being. That said, my child has had an interim adviser who we don’t know as well but who has also supported both him and us well when we’ve needed it. </p>

<p>Kids need to be comfortable going to adults (whether teachers or coaches) for help too as soon as they need it. My kid has always been comfortable doing this, and even so, he told me this summer that he was going to make a much bigger effort to go to teachers for help with papers, tests, etc. more consistently this year because he saw how it had helped other students. I think an adviser will be more motivated to help if he or she sees that both the parent and the student want it.</p>

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<p>This is so true! The one school I knew that is an exception to this observation jsut spent millions on guess what? New athletic fields!</p>

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<p>I guess the talk about athletes has struck a chord with me. One reason to elect a resource rich environment vs. a huge public school is perhaps to give your student many more opportunities to shine, given their talents. But again, I think sometimes, the school sacrifices their own values for developing a student in favor of how to best win? Son has been promised one thing in more than one sport, only to be pushed aside when the school thinks incoming talent may achieve a state championship or gold medal. We have drawers full of gold medals and 3 foot trophies from prior team and individual sports from middle school, and I guess we’ve had our fill of “winning” and much prefer a school which places more value on kindness, respect and integrity and loyalty. Say what you mean and mean what you say. You’re hoping for opportunity, but in the end you may be no better off than you were at the large public school, despite best laid plans.</p>

<p>Second, you send your child to an environment you hope is safe and protected, yet acknowlege that nowhere is truly safe. DD comes home with lots of stories about kids who sneak out for 3 am parties, sell/use drugs or who are sexually promiscuous. Most recently we had an incident with a boy who was used to having his way and who wanted more than friendship. I told hubby we may have been better off keeping DD close to home at this tender age of 14. Too often, girls are more vulnerable to boys perhaps due to less physical strength. Am sick when I read stories of college freshman girls being murdered at the hands of a jealous boyfriend, let alone the need to worry about a high school girl away from the protection of her parents. Hubby and I decided at very least DD was getting enrolled in a self-defense class this summer. Thought we’d be focusing on driver’s ed, without the need to worry about self-defense yet. I know this is a little bit of a downer, but you asked for downsides.</p>

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<p>The next step would be to contact the academic dean (they are called different names in different schools, but this is the person who is the head of academics). This person may already have heard about your child’s concerns, but a call from a parent is absolutely appropriate. It would be polite to let the advisor know, that because of your concerns you would like to get more advice. An advisor may have an occasional students with academic concerns, the dean deals with all such students over many years, and has a wealth of experience and perspective.</p>

<p>The academic dean is usually a very experienced faculty member who is good at dealing with challenges and very supportive of kids. They can meet with your student and recommend solutions to most academic problems (and if the problems persist they will be meeting with your student even without your call, but you are trying to avoid that getting so far along). The academic deans can recommend study skills training, organizational tutors, counseling, peer tutors, more study time, can speak with advisors and tutors as well as classroom teachers. </p>

<p>We have found the academic deans to be universally skilled and very, very approachable and helpful at two separate boarding schools my kids have attended. In one case our D was having academic difficulty and that was how we learned what the academic dean did, in the next case some minimal accommodation for learning difference was needed, which the academic deans also handle.</p>

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<p>I’ve been an advisor and/or class dean in boarding and day schools for many years, and I know what you mean about the delicate situation with a less-than-solid advisor. Some advisors are new, some are getting divorces or having a first baby, some just tolerate the role instead of making it a primary responsibility.</p>

<p>Being pushy can backfire, as one poster noted, but the truth as I’ve seen it is that squeaky wheels really do get more attention, especially when they are respectful of advisors’ role and effort. Faculty are unbelievably busy in boarding schools, so respect for their time is key. I don’t like it when parents keep at issues with me beyond what I think is necessary, but it is my job to keep the communication going and if it doesn’t become ridiculous or overbearing (and faculty DO share ‘awful parent’ stories with each other formally and informally), I make time to follow through.</p>

<p>Specific, persistent concerned communications, politely conducted, do usually get attention and results. If you still aren’t happy, you can talk to a dean or other administrator, but if your child remains with that advisor, the relationship could be tainted if it isn’t handled well. You can try asking an administrator how to strengthen your use of the school’s family liaison (the advisor), saying that it hasn’t worked out yet as you had hoped and you would like to know how to improve it. You can ask if you are being reasonable. Arrogance doesn’t ride well with any level of the faculty, so keep that toned down and I believe you can work it out.</p>

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<p>We have a great advisor. My son picked this teacher as his advisor after his 1st year away. I think it has worked out so well because my son feels comfortable going to this teacher and has formed a really solid relationship with him. That being said, sometimes advisors just can’t help with everything and we did contact the Academic Dean when our son was having problems with math. The Dean was wonderful. He met with our son and worked with his advisor to set up a plan which eventually resulted in a 1:1 tutor. I definitely recommend contacting the Academic Dean if your child is struggling. Our advisor was very appreciative of his help. Son’s advisor is now his college counselor as well. I am in contact with him often, but try my best not to be overbearing :)</p>

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<p>As someone living (though not teaching - but married to one of those) in a boarding school for an awful lot of my adult life, a few thoughts, mostly with respect to residential life (since that and academic guidance seem to be where many of the concerns lie). i’ll also include some corresponding silver linings.</p>

<p>1) Downside:
We have more kids than you have in your family, and it shows. As many of you have observed, dorm parents are overextended. That’s absolutely true. But it’s more than that. We’re keeping our eyes on a double-digit number of kids at any given moment. As in a large family, this means the squeaky wheels are going to get the grease and, more concerning, the quiet, agreeable but not-particularly-engaging-of-adults ones won’t. In general, someone’s going to check on your kid on a daily basis. If she admits something’s wrong, I’ll follow up. If she says she’s fine but doesn’t look fine, I’ll probably notice. But if I do notice and at that moment someone else needs something/distracts me/has a problem, I might not be able to follow that up immediately. It’s like being in a big family. The net result is that if your kid is having trouble, I’ll know her. If your kid is particularly engaging of adults, I’ll know her. If your kid is trucking along more or less ok and content to do that without adults, it’s going to take us longer to get to know each other.</p>

<p>Upside: there really isn’t an upside to this. It’s why I tell people boarding school isn’t for all, or probably even most, kids. Very few 15-year-olds need this much freedom and self-determination.</p>

<p>2) Downside: If I do my job well, I’m going to know your kid better than you are, and that’s got to hurt.
Don’t get me wrong - i won’t know your child in the way you do. But I will know his or her day-to-day life better than you do, and with teens changing as fast as they do, this means you’ve just reduced your role in your child’s life to that which it will be in college quite a number of years earlier than most parents.
Upside: I’m not hampered in the way you are, because in teenager world, adults who didn’t raise you might not be <em>complete</em> idiots. This means boarding school is an opportunity to surround your child with caring adults who can nudge them in a good direction and not have those nudges be ignored or provoke umbrage because they came from you. I generally think teens do better when they have a number of adults in addition to their parents who care about them - that might be aunts, uncles, coaches, etc., but in a boarding school, there are many opportunities for it. You can capitalize on this by using us as allies - think of me as an emissary from the magical world where your kid doesn’t roll his or her eyes every time an adult speaks. If we can get on the same page, there can be really huge gains.</p>

<p>3) Downside: Boarding school life is constant - in addition to the workload, there is no way to turn off the pressure to be your best self - socially, artistically, athletically, etc. The social is especially big for the girls - there is no time like they had in their bedrooms at home when they can just be off - not performing for anyone. It’s like being a politician in campaign season all the time.
Upside: If your kid can do this, they can do college without any trouble. Kids who can thrive in this environment have learned powerful self-management skills. They’ll not only know how to manage their study time - they’ll know things like how to wake up on time for an exam - or a job interview - without mom’s help, and how to walk into both situations with confidence.</p>

<p>Those are the big ones that I see. I agree that for some kids, this is a confidence shaker rather than builder. I suspect for them that’s really just having what would happen in college happen a bit early. For some that’s ok, for others not. For many, I think the confidence is shaken in the earlier years and restored later on. I do encourage parents considering boarding, particularly in the very pressured schools, to think hard about what the goal is and whether this is the way to get there.</p>

<p>On the residential life side, please know that those of us who live and work with your kids generally do it because we want to - the rewards aren’t big enough to do it for any other reason. And we also know that on balance you’re all good, sane, caring parents. I take to task people who assert that boarding schools are full of kids whose parents didn’t want to bother with them - that’s just not what I’ve seen. I largely see parents who want the best for their kids and are hoping this will be it. Just remember that when we do tell you something about your child that’s different than what you expect, we may actually be on to something - they’re different people with different people, and they’re also changing so very fast. Give us the benefit of the doubt because we may be seeing something you haven’t.</p>

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<p>Stillinschool: Thanks so much for that post–honest, informative and thought provoking. And helps me feel better about deciding that the many, many advantages afforded by son 1’s boarding school are not worth the potential downsides for son 2, who’s a sweetheart of a kid, but not a squeaky enough wheel. That’s a hard decision when you know how rich the environment is. </p>

<p>Anyway, this should be required reading for all prospective bs parents!</p>

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<p>Wonderful post, stillinschool. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and observations.</p>

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<p>Ditto, very informative.</p>

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<p>Posts 44-48: Thank you! You have given us great incite and great suggestions.</p>

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<p>@stillinschool, great post, thank you.</p>

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<p>@stillinschool</p>

<p>WONderful post and insightful comments. </p>

<p>But I was a little taken aback by your comment:</p>

<p><<downside: if="" i="" do="" my="" job="" well,="" i’m="" going="" to="" know="" your="" kid="" better="" than="" you="" are,="" and="" that’s="" got="" hurt.="">></downside:></p>

<p>I’m not sure it DOES have to hurt. From where I sit, someone knowing our child(ren) really well can only be a plus. For some parents and some students, the idea of personal interaction with or attachment to adults who are not family members (or teachers) may seem odd; but I’d hazard a guess that for many of us the idea that there is someone acting <em>in loco parentis</em> is at least a small part of why we chose the schools we did. </p>

<p>But I suppose some parents might be insecure or even jealous about such relationships, and, honestly, the thought had not occurred to me (we are new to the boarding school life). Is it true that many parents feel this way? I am really curious, now. </p>

<p>For my part, I am grateful to my child’s houseparents for being there day-to-day! So thank you for sharing your experiences and for sharing your time as a houseparent.</p>

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<p>Stillinschool, thank you so much for your post. It’s wonderful to have a balanced, “insider’s perspective” on boarding school life. So often the posters on the prep forum are divided between cheerleaders and bitter critics.</p>

<p>Girlgeekmom, I think it might hurt, especially if (when) the child makes significant life decisions without parent input. For example, not everyone makes the soccer team. It’s possible for a child to discover a love of theater or community service or football in the time between Labor Day and Parents’ Weekend. (sorry, Family Weekend. :)) I’m sure boarding school faculty are accustomed to seeing kids grow and change so quickly, but it can be shocking when your hockey player decides to become a ceramicist. </p>

<p>I don’t have a “down side” to report. I don’t consider myself a pollyanna, but whenever our kids have really needed on-the-spot advice and guidance, the schools’ support systems have been sufficient. Now, our children are local boarders, so they could escape campus when things got too pressured–it must be hard when home is more than 3 hours away. They’re also the sort who like to join groups and activities, maybe even too many activities. As they’re at small schools, this means they come into contact with a variety of adults every day. If they were to be having trouble, their advisors can seek input from other faculty and staff. At a small school, those adults will know the extroverts. They also know who’s friends with whom, which can help solve teenagers’ social stresses.</p>

<p>I would say that we’re happy because our expectations for the first were relatively modest. We didn’t have Ivy or Nobel prize dreams, and we expected life as a boarder to be stressful. For the second child, we knew BS was a great option, but from experience, a challenging choice. Our children wanted the academic challenge their boarding schools offer, and the opportunities to explore established and budding talents. They also wanted the freedom (and responsibility) of living away from home.</p>

<p>It is true, though, what one boarding school alum told us before our first went away to school. Once they go, it is like they’ve gone to college. They are still your children, but they have more control over their own lives.</p>

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<p>Periwinkle, thanks for sharing that view of why it might hurt. I suppose that, for some parents, such a loss of control of perceived loss of connection could be painful, indeed. Though I am of course aware that everyone’s experience is different, I feel like part of the construct of sending one’s child to boarding school is accepting that loss before it happens. OTOH, I can also see how, despite intellectualizing the process, the reality might come as an emotional surprise. </p>

<p>I hadn’t really thought about it in such terms. We sort of accepted a certain loss of control when we bought into the idea that boarding school was going to be the best option for high school. In fact, we’re finding our child is more open with us in some ways now that she has a bit of distance. And, while we’re not a family that has a lot of conflict (generally, we’re quite close, of similar temperaments and senses of humor, and get on rather well), it IS nice to be the “wise counsel” at something of a remove, and not to deal with some of the day-to-day irritants that teens and parents naturally encounter. </p>

<p>So perhaps one “downside” to add to the original list isn’t about the kids at all… it’s Early Onset Empty Nest Syndrome.</p>

<p>THAT is hard. But it gets better with each phone call from a child who is clearly happy and in a great—and supportive (even if that comes from someone else)— situation.</p>

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<p>@stillinschool, another thank you for your thoughts…they ring true to our experience and it is helpful to hear from someone who works with kids every day. </p>

<p>@girlgeekmom - EOEN Syndrome - we have another acronym! For me, it is a double edged sword. One on hand, I’d be lying if there aren’t times when I am suddenly filled with twangs of missing my kid. On the positive side, it really does take a village, and for some kids, like ours, the more positive adults around the better, because of the varied perspectives and styles. I am truly thankful to boarding school for that, and don’t pretend I can be everything to my kid, especially during these years that he is trying to individuate <em>from the parents</em>. </p>

<p>Adolescence is an age known for the high value placed on peer opinion, and it is great that the peers in his boarding school seem to be a pretty good bunch, compared with those at home, and there are adults who can weigh in without the heavy baggage of being the parent. There certainly are kids in local schools who don’t speak much to their parents, and just come home to close their bedroom doors. Or when they do interact with Mom and Dad, it is filled with sighs and rolling of eyes. </p>

<p>Many parents here have seen how much a good boarding school environment can lead to growth and maturity by leaps and bounds. It is a joy to witness, but of course that comes at the cost of seeing the kid ‘before’ and ‘after’ but not those weeks in between. On the other hand, it wouldn’t have happened, at least to the degree we see, if there hadn’t been the needed ‘breathing space’ to try, fail, regroup, and grow that occurs in boarding school. </p>

<p>Still, every kid and every family is different. Boarding school was the best decision for child #1, but we will have to see how our younger one grows to begin to see what might be best for her.</p>

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<p>P.S. more than 8000 views to this thread! GMT, you certainly stirred a lot of interest.</p>

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<p>The Headmaster</p>

<p>When you and your child experience the inevitable, occasional downsides to the boarding experience, the headmaster’s attitude, values, and daily involvement are good indicators how the school will behave in loco parentis. </p>

<p>My advice to prospective parents is to pay SPECIAL ATTENTION to the headmaster, the captain of the vessel. Read things that s/he has written, watch you tubes, look at photographs, ask your tour guide, ask current parents. What’s the head master like? Is s/he involved in the day to day life of the school? Or is s/he more a well-spoken fund raiser? When s/he talks about education, is it well-worn poetry on auto-pilot or do you hear the sound of someone who knows that a great school is an ongoing experiment and who is plugged into the latest thinking on education, someone who is actively involved in making his/her school better, not merely being a well-heeled custodian of the status-quo. How much a part does the headmaster play in the school’s daily course? Or is s/he always on the road? Do the school’s values actively flow from the headmaster through the faculty and to the students?</p>

<p>When you experience that inevitable problem (or two of three), you want to be sure it’s in the context of a healthy community with a healthy, happy, involved leader.</p>

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<p>ThacherParent - Great point - one school I’m familiar has a figure head style headmaster and it shows. The school lacks self-reflection and is resting on its laurels.</p>

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<p>My son went to boarding school this year - came from public middle school with top grades and never studied - and has been crushed this first term academically. He is plowing through and on a more positive even keel. He does not necessarily talk about any pressure and he is very happy. We are more upset about the GPA (2.95 at mid semester). It has been a big adjustment for him. The work is not beyond him, but he is too immature to focus and really study without prompting. He is an athlete and was on the soccer team, now is swimming and will play baseball in Spring. These activities and student govt., model UN and community service are all more interesting and active.<br>
We are considering having him repeat his freshman year somewhere else, but he is on an academic scholarship at current school. Given the grades, I am sure he will not get such a deal somewhere else. The school keeps saying he is on an upward progression and that they have seen this many times. </p>

<p>So, for us, the down side is the GPA. His education and teachers are great, the activities are wonderful, and I wish I could say that it is as much about the journey as the endpoint, but it is very hard in the moment. </p>

<p>As a side, my daughter is at a performing arts high school where the academics are poor (she will not be going back next year), but she has straight As in all honors and advanced classes. Her transcript will look great, yet my son has learned so much more. She has actually enrolled in a local college for an extra course this semester to build her academics.</p>

<p>I hope colleges understand the differences in quality and that GPA is a very tiny part of the story.</p>