H used to daydream about a family compound. He wanted three houses on a two to five acre lot, with a shared pool and large garden. Things have not worked out the way H hoped.
How most people work out the financial issues, I have no idea. In the few families I’ve known where living spaces were shared, the parents (or grandparents) paid for almost everything.
Several neighbors have multiple generations under one roof.
One had 3 generations—grandparents, 2 adult kids and (D with spouse and 1 divorced dad), plus the 2 teen grandkids belonging to one dad and 3 for the D. Sadly there was some bullying by the divorced dad and 2 older kids so the other family moved out, even tho the D did a lot of caregiving. It was not how any of the adults had envisioned their lives.
Another family has 2 adults in their 70s and 2 adult sons (40s) who live with them. One has MS or MD and they all share in his care. They get along pretty well.
My sister had her adult D and her H and their infant move in with them for about 6 months until they were hired and rented a place of their own. It was nice but they were each used to their own space so everyone was happier when they rented their own space.
Maybe this doesn’t qualify as I think of a compound of being an area with more than one dwelling, but I’ve noticed in our neighborhood more blended families buying single family homes. Some elderly, some parenting adults and their children. To be honest, I have believed this was done though as a way to afford to buy a home. While there may be more people in a house, it may be a house with some perks - like a family room, a basement, outside living space, yard, etc. - that any of the individual family units might not get on their own.
It’s not for me though!
It’s popular in our neighborhood for people to convert their detached garages into “carriage house apartments.” Some rent them out to students but many use them as inlaw suites.
I could live with a scenario like that. “Used mostly during the summer months,” each with their own separate house, etc…
Other described scenarios-not for me. I have known a few families who have several generations under one roof. My observation was that there was a lot of bickering or repressed anger going on. I realize that is not representative of all families, but I had enough of that growing up in a household of six kids and a parent with issues.
I could never have lived with my mother as an adult. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, but she came with a lot of unresolved baggage, so lots of yelling or other drama.
DH’s father is really narcissistic. He has no empathy, often behaves badly when he is around us (very manipulative), and is generally dismissive of others. He hadn’t lived in his retirement community two weeks before he declared that “all of them” were “total losers.” I feel bad for the exposure he actually had with our kids (they claim he traumatized them). No way would I have subjected them to a day in and day out scenario, and I’m not interested in doing so now either. DH is a dutiful son and does anything and everything required for his Dad, but after a long day with him, he comes home extremely stressed out and often angry. It takes him a good while to internally calm down. There is a long story behind all of that, but for purposes of this thread, that also explains why we will never live under the same roof.
Do we take care of our own? Absolutely. Do we suffer through get togethers? Yes, you do that for family. But I would never consent to living with my in-laws. I love having D2 close, but I wouldn’t want to live with her either. Young families starting out need privacy and home should be a sanctuary, without always having to consider the presence of others, put up with unsolicited advice, etc. I’m so close geographically to her that seeing future grandkids won’t be an issue, but I think we all will appreciate the opportunity to part ways at the end of a day and have privacy, and allow my D and her husband to nurture their own family in their own way.
I totally get this arrangement works well for many, and it’s certainly possible for families who do not live together to have a toxic relationship or negatively impact family when they do get together. Culture, personal philosophy, and finances impact these kinds of living arrangements. There is no right way or better way to do this as a general statement.
I just could never be happy with that kind of living arrangement, and I’m very grateful that I have had the option to make the choice that works best for our family.
Interesting thread.
What I have occasionally seen is the grandparents moving in when they are younger and helping out with the kids when they are little. Eventually, less assistance with the kids is needed as they get older and the grandparents need more assistance and then the parents resent that. So they appreciate the help when their own parents can give it, but then resent having them there when they need the help but the kids don’t but are still needy as well (not yet able to drive as an example). Lots of juggling and and even stronger emphasis on being sandwiched for the parents. Tends to happen because the grandparents had their kids younger (in their early 20’s) whereas the current parents delayed starting their families until they were older.
My father’s family (4 kids) had to move in with grandparents (and uncle) during the depression in Queens. Nine people, once bathroom. It was a VERY strained situation. The only Swedish words the kids knew were from the swearing from the adult arguments. However my father did learn to play some musical instruments from his grandfather, a happy memory for him.
It makes sense to me that kids might get more out of multi-generational living. They might not appreciate the concept of emotional/physical privacy as much as their parents or other older relatives.
I see a big difference (perhaps?) in a ‘family compound’ that involves multiple, nearby, individual homes and a big group of people under the same roof. Sharing the same house 24/7 can be challenging - I would think ‘close but separate’ could provide many of the same benefits (mutual assistance, friendly connection) while minimizing the downsides (lack of privacy/personal space, feeling too emeshed w/family, etc.)
I had the pleasure of having college roommate live next door to me at our first house. It was a wonderful 8 years (ha, except for the small house and long NY winters), 5 kids between us. We used to joke that we’d build adjacent houses, with attached garages in between and a huge shared bonus room above.
Funny story - when we renovated our one bathroom, at night we had a toilet but no tub/shower. In the morning I’d run over to their house in my bathrobe to take a shower. A few minutes later I headed home and hubby did same. We laughed about the stories neighbors might be telling.
I’m sure my ils would have loved for their family to live in a compound (6 kids). Since “I will not go to a facility!” was/is the mantra, elder caregiving would have been one of the expectations. As it is, the closest child is expected to do a lot for mil. Yet the sib with the favorite grandchildren, not that far away, is not expected to do for her.
I wonder what happens in these compounds with nearby houses when most of the adults have outside jobs? Are the ones without jobs/fulltime jobs/work at home jobs expected to be the ones to do the elder caregiving?
Colorado_mom - that sounds like a fun situation for two young families!
CTTC - Interesting points. I wouldn’t want to burden my kids w/full-time care, certainly. But I’m thinking that maybe there is a middle ground re: elders in need of assistance (between ‘in a facility’ and ‘100% hands on care by family.’). Perhaps just having a family member who can check in with aides, call regularly, etc. Having someone close makes that easier, especially if everyone has full-time jobs (I did that for my parents while working).
That was the case in my family. During the all too brief periods when there were three generations within a minute’s drive of each other, it was the stay-at-home sib who took care of the declining parent. A generation later, when it was that sib’s turn to be looked after, and there were no stay-at-home children, adult day-care centers filled in the gap.
Sure. But all too often it becomes a slippery slope, and the family member is expected to do more and more as the elders need more and more. Resentments can build up.
I think of “family compound” to mean same property, separate buildings. I have a friend who lives like this. Her in-laws helped them buy it (not a high priced area, but more than they could afford before they sold their current house). It has one big house with upstairs, downstairs, and basement. Then 4 or 5 separate other buildings. One is a nice “apartment” with a garage that the father-in-law lives in. (Mother-in-law died and then he moved in alone). Then there’s a she-shed and a huge garage for the husband’s motorcycles and stuff. And some other smaller buildings that could be apartments. I think it works well for them. They have three kids, two at home and one in college now.
When I read this title I thought for a hot minute that it would be sweet to have separate dwellings for my kids a few steps away (they are 20 and 18, both still at home, 20 yr old is actively looking at apartments and works). But then I thought about living with my siblings or in-laws on the same street and imagined an “Everybody Loves Raymond” situation with my mother-in-law. My sibs and I get along okay, but we are not that close. We get along with my husband’s sibs similarly. I wouldn’t want to live that close to any of them and I’m sure my kids would not want to live that close to us. I hope they won’t live too far away, but we’ll see. Right now my oldest is just looking at apartments in the neighboring town where the job is.
FWIW, I heard on NPR that Brandi Carlile lives in a compound with her bandmates and all their families. Brandi Carlile on 'In These Silent Days' and making her band a blended family : NPR
So far, what I’m hearing is, “It depends…”
To me a family compound is something the Kennedys have - many houses on an expansive property. Growing up in Brooklyn among immigrant families, most of us lived in multigenerational homes. Almost all the houses on the block were 2 or 3 family homes with 3 generations living in them. In addition, your aunts, uncles, and cousins lived within a few blocks, and most families had a large Sunday dinner with all the relatives. There was lots of shared caretaking responsibilities - whether it was for the children or for the elderly.
All of my peers, moved out to the suburbs, left their parents behind and did not raise their children the same as they had been raised. They chose houses on their own property with privacy and space (something they didn’t have when they shared bedrooms with siblings and houses with grandparents.)
Now they have adult children who mostly have made lives even farther afield than they went from their parents. A few housed these kids during the pandemic, mostly as a means to save money, keep them safe, and give each other company. These situations ended up being temporary and most of these adult kids have already moved back to their independent apartments.
There is a compound on the lake where our cottage is located, as well as one off a main road about a mile from my house. In both cases, they were originally family compounds, with several houses on land that was set up to be shared. However, in both cases, the family aspect unraveled in recent years. Houses within the compound have been sold to outsiders - they were sold on the open market, so I assume that the new owners probably have no connection to the original families. I don’t know the people involved, but I think it could be strange (and possibly uncomfortable).
When the Colorado Avalanche came to town (or a few years later) several of the players bought/built houses on the same cul de sac. Why? Because several of them had parents who lived with them who didn’t speak English (just French ) so they wanted to live near others who also spoke only French.
Well the Kennedy compound was for vacationing. That I might like.