Family Falling Apart

Well, it depends on what the dog has been trained to do. When our dog was younger, she was crate trained, we said go night night, and she went into her crate (she’s a rescue, she came like that). A couple years after we had her, she slept in her dog bed, we don’t have a big house, so got rid of the crate. She will not enter our bedroom, she knows it’s off limits, even when the door is open. She will only enter the kids’ bedrooms if I’m not home (she doesn’t like to be on the first floor alone, when I’m upstairs she usually lays in the hallway). She is great off leash, very obedient, but is a rescue. I will not lock her away, she was from a puppy mill years ago, she has never peed or pooped in the house (24+ hours with storms), but she is a member of our family. I liken dogs and toddlers, I hate to hear either cry, especially my own, because I can’t explain to them why something unpleasant is happening (mom of 5). There are times that there is no choice, there are times when there is.

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Although I like many of the thoughts and suggestions posted above, the BIL needs to apologize. What reasonable person says, “Don’t like it? Leave,” to anyone, let alone to someone they supposedly love. I wouldn’t want to be around that person—life is short—regardless of whether they’re family or not.

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A puppy needs to be trained to leave humans alone when they are eating, not circling the table. Not necessarily sitting in a crate. Responsible dog ownership. But that is a topic for another thread.

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You can’t make someone else apologize. BIL doesn’t think he did anything wrong- or he knows he did something wrong but isn’t the “owning up” type.

What are you going to do, take him to small claims court for $100 for damages and make the court garnish his wages?

It’s the father’s birthday, not the sister’s. I would go to the party and not interact with the sister. I have 3 siblings, trust me when I say we’ve had many trials and tribulations, but we always come together for our parents. We’ve made up because we had to show up for those occasions.
My older daughter is allergic to dogs and my younger daughter has a dog. The funny thing is the older daughter’s baby loves the dog. They meet at a park close by to see the dog or they go over to D2’s place. On special occasions when D2 can’t get a dog sitter like thanksgiving or Xmas, D1 will let th dog come over, but he is in the crate or at a very designated area. We all respect D1’s rules about D2’s dog.

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So much to unpack here. Was the SIL wrong to renege on their agreement to keep the dog out of the house? Yes. We can all agree on that. If she said in writing over text that she would leave the dog outside or keep it away while your wife was there, she should have honored that agreement or not made it in the first place.

But, really, is this the hill your wife wants to die on? I get that there are other dynamics at play and that this thing with the dog is a culminating event from a lifetime of slights, perhaps. But I assume both of these people are grown-ass women. Does your wife really expect their father to pick a side here? Congrats to your FIL for not being drawn unnecessarily in to this drama!

Others have said something similar, but how I raised my kids is with this maxim – Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem? I can think of few times that I would insist on being “right” even if I was wronged.

Two family stories … One, my sister has been horrible to me my whole life and my kids on many occasions. At one point about 15 years ago after a miserable Christmas I told dh that I was outta there, that I was done with her and would cut off contact. He implored me not to give up. We live in different cities and don’t have to be close but that one day, when our parents were faltering, I will be glad that I stuck in there. And he was right. She still pulls BS, but I don’t let it get to me and want to make sure my parents (now only mom; dad died three years ago) don’t suffer because of our differences. Boycotting her father’s dinner because of this thing with her sister only hurts your wife and her dad.

Second story: My brother’s wife absolutely berated me about six weeks ago on the phone. I know she was frustrated because I set a boundary she didn’t like so chose to lash out at me. She sounded ridiculous. She brought up things I don’t remember that apparently happened 20-30 years ago. I’m not even saying they didn’t happen (one had to do with dinner rolls :woman_shrugging:t4: and another had to do with $6 and then a whole slew of other stuff), but she sounded ridiculous that she has been hanging on to these things for 20+ years. We are both in our 60s; is this still how she sees me, as a 35yo wanting to serve dinner rolls the night I was responsible for dinner??? What was the crime? Whatever. Bottom line, clearly the dinner rolls and $6 are placeholders for her larger issues with me (she also said I am just so EXTRA sometimes; I think that’s closer to her issue with me, like she thinks I get too much attention as the youngest or something. Beats me.). Again, I could choose to not have anything to do with her, but for the sake of my mom’s care I just let it go in one ear and out the other. And then I thanked her for being so candid. lol

I hope your wife can see past this dog incident and for the sake of her dad attend the dinner at the neutral site.

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I went back and reread the OP.

The sister (and her husband) breaking their word of what the sister agreed to seems to be the breaking point.

And that the sister and her husband (and the father?) think they did nothing wrong.

That’s the problem with families unfortunately.

What you and your wife feel are tenants of your foundation aren’t what the sister’s family believes. Or behaves like. I get it.

But it sounds like the brother in law was the jerk. Didn’t support his wife. Or her family. And now the sister has to make a choice. One that she might think is silly. Pick her husband or her sister. She has to live with her husband. Not her sister.

You are never ever going to win this fight. You only have to decide if you want to divide the family.

It sounds like your wife is conflicted about the gathering. I say show her these posts, we are in agreement. And if you as her husband isn’t on board with going to the dinner. Over principal. I implore you to reconsider.

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I have a friend who hasn’t spoken to her sister in years- the fight was over a plate (no, that’s not a euphemism, it was a plate). One sister brought cookies and wanted the plate back; the other sister thought the cookies were for dessert and the plate was a hostess gift.

They are in their 60’s and fighting over a plate. All of their friends want to head to Home Goods, buy 50 plates and say “here you go, now shut up”. But we don’t. We listen and pretend we agree. So I get it that these things are complicated and are NEVER about the dog, the plate, the cookies.

But… it sometimes helps to play the other side. That’s what you learn in therapy-- how to view the drama from a different perspective. And gives you insight into how the other stubborn, ridiculous, insensitive, never apologizes person is feeling or thinking about a situation. And sometimes it is HUGELY clarifying.

And yeah, two grandma’s in their 60’s who don’t speak over a plate.

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I want to go back to this, because I think it’s so important. So many times when we are in conflict with others it’s because we feel wronged, like something has been done TO us. I have found it helpful to realize others aren’t thinking about me nearly as much as I think they do, lol. That helps reframe the issue, that it’s not something being done TO me … I’m just on the receiving end of their odd behavior/quirks/insecurities/issues. It’s more about them than me, but I get to choose how to respond to it.

You don’t talk about birth order here, but I think it could play a part. Is the sister older and thinks your wife is being too precious as the baby? Is your wife the baby feeling never listened to/heard by the older siblings?

Cross-posted with blossom, whose thinking aligns with mine.

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Well, the BIL essentially kicked OP and OP’s wife out of their house, and the SIL let it happen—not sure I’d get over that too quickly.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d go to the father’s birthday party, and any other family event not hosted by BIL & SIL. Unfortunately, without an apology, I don’t know how I could move forward with BIL &SIL after being told that my or my spouse’s needs are irrelevant and inconsequential. Doesn’t that all but say, “You don’t matter,” and if you don’t matter to someone, that person certainly doesn’t love, or even respect, you. Why would you try to have a relationship with someone who kicked you out of their house? Maybe I’m missing something?

No small claims court or wage garnishing, however! :sweat_smile:

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Exactly.

And when people say the wife has to apologize… for what? For being kicked out of the house by BIL who sounds like a bully to me based on what the OP said. Bullies don’t change their stripes no matter how much the bullied person apologizes to them. I agree with everyone who said that OP and his wife should attend the dinner and minimize their contact with the SIL/BIL.

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Oh my goodness. I have so much to add, both on the dog fear level and the sister betrayal. I love dogs and have them as loving pets. But I was attacked and severely bitten by a neighbor’s dog when I was only 8 years old, and I remember it like it was yesterday. So I am extremely cautious around dogs.

I also have a sister who in a who attacked me in a text, thinking she was sending it to someone else. So it is almost impossible to forgive her. My goal is to keep our very aged mother out of it.

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I am going to take an unpopular view here. I am very allergic to dogs. Once my sister married, she and her husband had dogs. The first time I visited I actually had such a bad reaction that I hyperventilated and had to breath into a bag to recover. After that I attended only one other event at their home (because it was outside). My sister resented this and we didn’t get along after she got married (her husband is a jerk). We had no contact with each other outside of holidays we were forced to attend with my parents. My mother nagged me constantly about us not getting along. Somehow it was my fault. Since, my mother’s death and my father’s moving into assisted living, I have had no contact with her at all (several years now). I feel wonderful about it - no regrets whatsoever. It is like a huge weight has been lifted.

My suggestion is to celebrate the birthday with your FIL and your own family. Let your SIL celebrate with him separately. Two parties are better than one (and both will be peaceful with nobody arguing).

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Ok, I don’t think this is about dogs, phobias, or any of the nouns in the story. It sounds to me that OP’s wife feels that she has been maltreated by her sister and that her father never stood up to defend he. As the mother of a now-grown daughter who came into the family via adoption from an orphanage at age 2, who was absolutely terrified of pets; would run screaming out of the room if she saw one on TV, and whose brother thought that this was my fault and I should teach my daughter to be friendly with his Rottweiler (one of many bizarro beliefs in my family), I know a little about unreasonable demands from family members and parents who don’t want to get involved in feuds between their children.

I am now a psychotherapist and I have had clients in disagreement with loved ones (or loved ones of loved ones, like stepchildren and inlaws) in which s/he can only see the situation resolve if the other party with whom s/he disagrees changes their mind to agree with the client. Almost always, this is not going to happen. No Eureka! You’re right, I’m wrong, please forgive me.

Sometimes it’s helpful for my client to fill out this worksheet:
Client Handout 3.1 - Decisional Balance Exercise (nova.edu)
and really think about the pluses of change, the pluses of no change, the minuses of change, the minuses of no change. It’s a lot of work, but it can be helpful.

I hope that if this issue with the OP’s wife vs her sister and her dad is not resolved soon (like in time for her dad’s birthday celebration), op’s wife considers counseling. Sometimes a third party can really be helpful. OP himself loves his wife, hates to see her hurt, and cannot be a neutral third party. That’s where a therapist, counselor or coach can help.

I wish this family the best. Alas most of us are carrying around unresolved family conflict, and when something happens that erupts in sadness, anger, or other emotional disruption, that’s a good time to address it if possible.

Just my very humble opinion.

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Having slept on this post, I wanted to add. The over 30 years of these holidays spent with my parents and my sister and her family, tainted them for me. We dreaded Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter with my family (the three of us - me, husband, and daughter). Once they stopped, we enjoyed our holidays so much more.

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Peace be with you both @gpo613
So many hurts.
Can there be discussion with SIL about the feelings of disrespect? Does SIL really want you and wife to feel so stressed and hurt? It’s bad for your blood pressure.

Coping with going, knowing that SIL or FIL may not understand or ever apologize. That is a question. One puts on a raincoat for wet weather. How could your wife prepare and not mind being at the FIL bday event?

Going bc it is ok or even good to honor the FIL on his birthday at a neutral place with all the family.

Will anything ever change so it can be fun to see SIL , FIL, ? Would BIL apologize ?
Do BIL and SIL behave repeatedly in a way that makes your wife feel bad?
If you go, just prepare, & let go of hurts for the day, like actors in a play.

It seems continuing on avoiding SIL, BIL, FIL, then next time will be at funerals.

Oldmom, just want to thank you for a very helpful and illuminating post.

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I’ll add to OP as well, that we can all give our opinions of what we think is right or fair or whatever, but also, many of us may have a similar situation in our own homes that we battle so to speak. Just know you aren’t alone in family drama.

My H has been largely estranged from his family from a confronting incident after his last parent died. He talks to one sister maybe a few times a year usually prompted by some family tidbit that needs to be shared. Most of his family lives 45 minutes away and we haven’t seen them in person for years. I personally think it’s ridiculous and a big mistake. Grudges are a terrible thing to hold onto.

Strive for better, not perfect in a relationship. Find a middle ground where you and your wife can celebrate with FIL whether it includes SIL/BIL or not. Don’t waste a ridiculous amount of energy on it. Don’t look for confrontation, look for solution.

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I can’t control what other people do. I can only control how I react and what I do. I am not a grudge holder, and generally find it is better for my mental health to take the high road. It’s rarely as one sided as portrayed (her story, their story and the truth)
There have been many times in my life I have apologized for my part in a rift. Sometimes the other party then apologizes for their role in the argument, sometimes they don’t. Either way, I move on and I don’t waste the extra energy on holding a grudge.

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Well you have guessed wrong. I believe my wife is in the right here. Now I have all the history and everyone here doesn’t.

I thought I wold post to get some other opinions.