@gpo613 I would be curious…have any of the comments/suggestions/alternatives suggested helped your thinking process for your dilemma?
Of course you have all the history and we don’t - most “I have a question/problem” threads on CC have that in common. 
Just wondering if you have gained any food for thought with the content here.
That’s the issue really. You know the history and have probably seen your wife suffer over the years. I get it - my H is absolutely baffled by my brother and when my SIL sent me a text about my niece getting engaged and I announced in mixed company that I’d never go to the wedding he 100% got it. Others were like “oh, isn’t it a chance to xyz……” he shut it down fast, because he knows all the details. The best you can do is support your wife’s decisions.
BlockquoteDon’t get me wrong, I’d go to the father’s birthday party, and any other family event not hosted by BIL & SIL. Unfortunately, without an apology, I don’t know how I could move forward with BIL &SIL after being told that my or my spouse’s needs are irrelevant and inconsequential. Doesn’t that all but say, “You don’t matter,” and if you don’t matter to someone, that person certainly doesn’t love, or even respect, you. Why would you try to have a relationship with someone who kicked you out of their house? Maybe I’m missing something?
SIL & BIL basically said my wife’s needs don’t matter in their actions. Side note my D23 is allergic to dogs so the more she can be away from them the less drugs she will have to take later in the night. D23 can be around dogs and cats for short periods of time but eventually she will react.
As we know, there are usually 3 sides to every story, the BIL’s reaction to the dog request leads me to believe that there were already tensions, maybe with the dog situation, maybe for other reasons. Not speaking due to the reaction for over a year suggests there were already problems in the relationships, and problems are rarely one sided, and a lack of communication doesn’t help. With a sibling timeframe it can go way back in time.
I would say some of the comments made me think about things.
I don’t think my wife will make the first move to reconcile as she feels she was wronged. I am sure SIL & BIL don’t think they did anything wrong so they probably won’t make a move anytime soon.
This will probably be a grudge that last multiple years. In the meantime my wife and will focus our ourselves and our marriage more. We are about to be empty nesters and have been on the treadmill raising kids.
It’s possible to focus on one’s marriage and oneself AND expend a tiny bit of emotional energy reconciling with an estranged family member. Nobody is suggesting that your wife decide to have lunch with her sister twice a week, go shopping with her, meet her for Zumba or Yoga every Sunday morning.
Just suggesting (out of our own personal experience) that being estranged takes its own energy. And NOT being estranged is extremely liberating!
The OP said that wife was second-guessing which suggests that at least part of her wants to go to her father’s birthday dinner. I understand that it was pretty awful of the BIL to essentially kick you and your wife out of the house and SIL did not defend her sister or try to figure out a solution. Also understand that there may be a history of bad action by SIL and BIL.
I have a bumpy relationship with my only sister. At times, I wanted my mom to “be on my side”. While she was sometimes understanding (and agreed with the concerns) she was mostly neutral. I don’t entirely trust my sister, but we now get along OK and have always celebrated holidays together.
Do you really want the next time you see this SIL and BIL is at a funeral? Or will you not attend a family wedding because they might be there? I think the family celebration, not just the relationship between the sisters, that is the key. How does SIL#1 deal with all of this? Is she close to your DW?
However, sometimes the toxicity is such that not having the person in your life is worth the sacrifice it entails. Since we don’t have all of the information, this doesn’t seem like a big enough betrayal to completely avoid any family events. You clearly have more information on this.
Thanks for responding. I hope for the best for your immediate household family - and maybe eventually your extended family! And I hope that you can share in your FIL’s bday in someway.
All we can go off of is what you posted. We don’t know all of your extended family’s history and that’s ok. So take all of our comments as food for thought and do what you feel is best.
This!! 
As my grandfather used to say, only the grave will cure the hunched back. Meaning some people are so entrenched in their ways nothing will change them. Some relationships are not worth salvaging even if they are “family.”
This makes the most sense to me. It will be a much nicer experience for you and your wife if you celebrate with her father separately.
In many - hopefully most - cases this is excellent advice. I tried that approach for years with my sibling. Until I just couldn’t anymore. If that someone were to pass away tomorrow I truly believe that I would still be OK with my decision. Maintaining a relationship would be too harmful to me and I have to protect myself.
I think there’s a nuance between holding a grudge and forgiveness. I suggest starting off with just letting go - a lot of anger and resentment comes from wanting someone to be different from who they are. I suspect your wife wants your sister to take her needs into account more but at this point it isn’t going to happen, so she should let go of that expectation and all the associated resentment that comes with it.
However, letting go does not mean being a doormat or pretending everything is ok. It’s just accepting that this is the way it is and dropping the baggage that goes with it. She does not have to go to her sisters house anymore, since her sister won’t respect her boundaries, but she can go to a restaurant where her sister is present to make her dad happy. She can be polite without yielding on her own boundaries… it’s not pretending it never happened, it is accepting that this is reality, it isn’t going to change, and being angry about it is going to damage yourself.
Basically, she can have a polite and cordial relationship with her sister without it being close and chummy if that relationship is one-sided.
In my case being estranged has been life changing and liberating. I “took the high road” for decades and it eventually brought me to my knees. I am a much happier and peaceful person now. Self care rocks.
I’ll join the minority opinion here. Having watched a few close friends deal with incredibly dysfunctional families/toxic relationships and seen the damage it caused them over their lifetimes, I second the option of having a separate birthday dinner with FIL. While I appreciate the many comments on here about not holding grudges and letting things go, that presupposes that the damage from removing oneself from interacting with SIL is worse than that inflicted from continued exposure. I also disagree that the FIL is blameless in all this. If I saw one of my kids treating another one this way I would definitely speak up.
I also wonder if your wife and SIL can have their own relationship - without their husbands. I know from personal experience the pull one can have between spouse and sibling, and the consequence of taking a side extends beyond the single situation at hand.
The OP’s support for his wife may fuel her fire. The insistence about the dog’s presence may have roots in having always felt their needs trumped by the OP’s kids’ needs. BIL may feel a need to stand up to the OP. Who knows? But the involvement of others often changes things.
yes! and perhaps the BIL was doing for his wife, exactly as the OP is doing for his!
Here’s my take from personal experience.
There are always more sides to any story even if I can’t see them immediately.
I don’t hold grudges. Yes I can get very angry and then try to let it go. Anger is very mentally and energy draining and I haven’t got it in me to waste it.
I will never go “no contact” if someone wants to interact with me. I can create boundaries instead to protect myself. But I will not unilaterally cut them from my life.
I will not make judgements if someone goes “no contact” with me. That’s their right. But I’ll still be here if they change their mind.
I know I don’t need to defend myself and I know no one is asking me to (this is too awesome a community. But for the record in my case I would be/am politely responsive if the estranged person communicates with me. But he never does because the burden has always been on me to nurture the relationship and cater to his needs. Otherwise he has no need for me. On rare occasion that he does reach out it’s with the expectation that I will jump and be grateful to do it. That’s my personal situation that has naturally become no to little contact by default.
But due to this experience I 100% empathize with anyone to feels they need to go full no contact for any reason they deem necessary. It’s their life and yes it’s short.
Just coming to this thread, but your wife is wrong here. She should absolutely get together with her dad. She is the one who is making this a big deal. It is not the sister. The Brother-in-law was out of line to tell you to lump it or leave it, but what your wife is doing is worse. And she’s doing it to her dad, not to her sister.
And life is too short to refuse to see your dad on his birthday when he asks you to come.
Do it! It might help them realize how ridiculous they are.