FINANCIAL AID - Marriage Issue

Paying for College
1

<p>I am 27, my wife is 39. Her son, 22, was raised with her grandparents his whole life, and he lives there most of the time. They also have always claimed him on their tax return. I married her when her son was 18, largely not wanting to be on the hook for the child if things did not work out (have to think about these things...). However, I was told that MY income is expected to be used for calculation of his financial aid. I make good money, but have not had years to aquire any significant wealth (after all i graduated only 5 years ago, when I was his age).</p>

<p>She does not make much and I am thinking I probably should not have married when I did, and just waited 10 years) because I may be on the hook for his college education.</p>

<p>I have always said I would gladly help with education if he gets the degree, and lives on his own (independance, seems a loooonng way away); after all, we will save lots of $$ on the electric bill :-).</p>

<p>My case is unusual - I would love to know if anyone has a somewhat similiar situation. It's odd because if he wants to have any hope to a college education someone who is still paying his own student loans, a mortgage, and bills (insurance, car, wifes car, etc) is now responsible for more. You do a good thing (bring more stability into a young mans life) and the government basically says, thanks for bringing US more financial stability, sucks for you....</p>

<p>I am thinking about buying a lot of physical gold and burying it somewhere so the government doesn't end up screwing me again.</p>

2

<p>You aren’t on the hook for anything. Just because your income will be used in calculating what kind of financial aid your stepson is eligible for doesn’t mean you have to contribute anything to his education.</p>

3

<p>While your income will likely hurt your SS’s chance for getting any financial aid (or much), you can’t be “forced” to contribute. No one will put a gun to your head.</p>

<p>I would suggest that your wife get a better paying job or take on a second job if SHE feels an obligation to help out with her son’s expenses. If she’s not interested in doing that, I can’t see why you should feel any obligation. </p>

<p>If your wife had given her parents legal custody, then her son would be considered to be independent for FA purposes once he turned 18. That time has passed.</p>

<p>If your SS commutes to a local state school, then he could pretty much pay for everything himself with a student loan and a summer job and a part-time job during the school year. He might need a little help for some things…like books, but it shouldn’t cost your family too much that way.</p>

4

<p>He’s twenty two years old, if he hasn’t tried college yet, he should attend CC for two years, which he should be able to afford without too much help from you. When he is 24 he will be independent for financial aid.</p>

5

<p>This is not meant to be harsh but, from a college’s perspective, I don’t see why your situation is unusual. You are just like every other stepparent. Yes, colleges will use your income to determine his need but <em>most</em> (just about all) parents and stepparents are still paying their own mortgages, bills, student loans. There are tons of stepparents out there. Regarding this: “You do a good thing (bring more stability into a young mans life),” your mere presence isn’t a favor to him; you presumably married his mother because you love her but when you marry someone with kids, you become a stepparent and assume a level of responsibility and support. While I realize you may think it’s awkward because you are close to his age, that really was your choice-- it’s no different from a 60yo man marrying a 30yo woman and having new babies. That’s not meant harshly; it’s just reality. </p>

<p>All that aside, no one can force you or his mom to pay for college. No parent or stepparent is legally obligated to pay for college unless it’s in a divorce agreement. But if you make a lot money and don’t help him out, yes, your income will impact his ability to go to college. </p>

<p>Now, a few other details: What is the status of his dad? What has he been doing since he was 18yo? Does he work ft? Is he married/ military/ have a child? Those things would also impact his financial aid. What are his grades/scores like? What colleges is he applying to? That will also impact his financials-- whether he would qualify for merit scholarships or whether the school meets full need.</p>

<p>I don’t know the players or the backstory but, if he’s a good young person, your wife wants to help him, you make good money and you said you would help, couldn’t you come up with a number that you could afford and tell him you will contribute that much? He could wait until he’s 24yo and file as an independent but most schools don’t meet need so he might still need $.</p>

6

<p>The unusual case was the fact that I have had little time to aquire money for college. If I were to have my own son, I would have time to save and plan for the future. I did not have time. That is why it is unusual and why I have a disadvantage to the typical “stepparent”. Also, I only came into his life when he was an adult (18). So this is different than coming into a marriage with “Kids” - unless we consider all children kids. My mother remarried but he has no responsibility ethically or morally to me because I was 20 - an adult. My ability to pay mortgage and wifes car allows him to have lots of stuff it would normally not have from his Mom - so it is not my mere presence - that is a favor. Now if I had already aquired wealth and retired, and did not take excessive amounts out of my tax-free money market he would likely get aid. So many legal loopholes, and disadvantages to getting married due to the Fed gov’t.</p>

<p>To answer your other questions:
Father is no where to be found - never been in my SSs life. Grades are in the 2.5-3.0 range. State College currently, but community college classes and transfering credits may make more sense now. And yes, we will try to help as best as we can as long as he does well and keeps the grades up. </p>

<p>Part of this post was to vent my frustration on the governments criteria to give aid. I have no problem putting it to a pot for the less advantaged, but I wonder how much overhead is wasted and how many people are really helped.</p>

7

<p>Not one person on this thread has told you that you have any obligation, legal or otherwise, to help your stepson go to college and the federal government isn’t telling you that either.</p>

<p>This kid was born to a teenage mother and has been mostly raised by his grandparents. Life already hasn’t dealt him a fair hand and he is used to getting the short end of the stick so I don’t think it will come as any surprise to him when there is no money for college.</p>

<p>If you want to help then help. If you don’t want to then don’t. Maybe he can put himself through a community college, plenty of kids do.</p>

8

<p>Pea - I am aware I am not on the “Hook” legally. My SS will be fine, and he has not had the short end of the stick. He has supportive grandparents, uncles, and I also will be willing to help out if he takes college seriously. I grew up w/o a father too, but I feel as though I was lucky enough to have other supportive family members around me. Short end of the stick is someone who has terminal cancer at a young age, not someone who may have more difficulty going to college. Come on…</p>

<p>Thanks to momofthreeboys and mom2collegekids for helpful responses. Again, the post was mainly meant to vent frustration and allow for constructive ideas and positive/optimistic responses.</p>

9

<p>Stepparent, A lot of stepparents end up in your situation. Really. And, frankly, if you were to contribute, you will probably be better off financially in the long run if your finances are used now than when you are 50yo because if you make good income at 27yo, you will probably make much better income and have much better assets at 55yo. </p>

<p><em>Neither</em> parent is legally responsible to pay for college but many parents try to help. I absolutely understand that you are not going to be as attached to this young man as if you had come into his life when he was 6yo, but I think it might be possible to come up with a reasonable plan. A community college may not just be an ok option, it may be a really great option for him. If he hasn’t been in school for years and his gpa was sort of low, he may really get a lot out of the smaller classes and the more diverse peers at a community college. Of course, if the 4-year has a special program or is commuting distance, that might be an option. </p>

<p>If it were me, I would be willing contribute but I would set some basic ground rules. He might be able to get himself through cc or he may need some help to pay for it (but ccs aren’t generally much $), but I would probably say that, once he has completed his cc work with a certain number of transferable credits (56-60) and a certain gpa, I would pay $X for each semester, up to 4 semesters at the state school. I don’t like kids taking out loans for community college but he should be able to take out loans for each of his last 2 years and, by then, he will qualify as an independent. </p>

<p>Again, you don’t have to do that but it would be a really nice thing to do, especially if you can afford it AND he’s willing to do the work. Does he know what he wants to study? I have a hard time thinking of most 22yos just floating through college (probably because, like you, I was married by that age and I also had children). I think it bodes much better if he has a specific career goal or if there’s a reason why he’s suddenly motivated.</p>

<p>Oh, and depending on what he’s been doing with his life, he may want to look into CLEP tests. The tests aren’t nearly as difficult as AP exams and are often accepted at community colleges or state universities.</p>

10

<p>*I am aware I am not on the “Hook” legally. My SS will be fine, and he has not had the short end of the stick. He has supportive grandparents, uncles, *</p>

<p>I get that…there are some (not many) children who are born to single moms that end up quite indulged from grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Seen that happen in my extended family. They may not have had 2 parents, but they had other loving family members providing to their every need. </p>

<p>Since your SS’s grades are less than spectacular, I would be very hesitant to pay out much money at all. </p>

<p>If he’s at a state school, then perhaps he should be at a CC where it would cost a lot less money. Unless he truly isn’t capable of better grades or the C’s were in especially difficult courses, I would expect closer to a 3.0 in order for me to pay for college. </p>

<p>I would have a “pow wow” with wife and SS and lay it all out to find out…</p>

<p>1) How much son is willing to contribute from a summer job and part-time job during school.</p>

<p>2) How much wife is willing to contribute…either from her current job or from taking on a better job, more hours, or a second job.</p>

<p>3) How much you are willing to contribute AND what you expect from that. It’s ok to have “strings attached”…such as: 2.75 GPA and above…doing a few chores around the house…keeping his room/bathroom clean…doing his own laundry…not wasting utilities at home…etc. Your wife may want to have similar strings attached if she’s going to have to work more hours to be able to contribute. </p>

<p>I don’t think that all the fingers should be pointing at you as “the source” for college money. That would just be ridiculous considering the circumstances. </p>

<p>That said…now this may be a bit harsh, but I don’t mean it to be…if your SS has largely been raised by his grandparents since he was born when your wife was 17, then does that mean that your wife isn’t used to supporting him and may not be able to “walk the walk” and help support her son’s college costs? If so, you need to consider that now. If your wife isn’t willing to do a fair share of the contributing, I really don’t see why you should feel any obligation at all.</p>

11

<p>My apologies. I spoke out of turn without knowing what the situation is.</p>

12

<p>"if your SS has largely been raised by his grandparents since he was born when your wife was 17, then does that mean that your wife isn’t used to supporting him and may not be able to “walk the walk” and help support her son’s college costs? If so, you need to consider that now. If your wife isn’t willing to do a fair share of the contributing, I really don’t see why you should feel any obligation at all. " </p>

<p>I’m not sure I saw that at all. I think that it makes sense that the boy would have lived with his grandparents when he was young and they may have been able to provide better for him than his young mom (or she may have lived with them too). It certainly sounds like he still lives at mom’s house too-- although it might be less comfortable with a husband around his age. </p>

<p>Of course, the poster is not a sugar daddy. Only they know why the mom doesn’t make much: perhaps she works in an area that doesn’t pay much, perhaps they have their own children, perhaps she is disabled or perhaps they have chosen for her not to work. I assume he loves her and her contribution to the household is more than her low pay. However, it sounds like the poster specifically waited until the son was 18yo to marry the mom in order to minimize his responsibility and he did say he would help out with college. It also makes me think that they’ve been together at least 6 years. So if they are functioning as a family unit, then it would make sense to come up with a family solution and that would involve him. Then again, I don’t think we’re necessarily talking a lot of money: cc is pretty cheap (and a 22yo might be able to cover that himself) and, subsequently, if there’s a 4year within commuting distance, there may not be much to pay after $7,500/year in loans. </p>

<p>I’m saying this not to get the OP to open up his wallet, but rather with the thought that it would be better for the relationships not to see this as adversarial. Getting the stepson an education may be cheaper in the long run than having a stepson who is unable to support himself.</p>

13

<p>Your SS is 22, so he is older than the usual residential student, though typical as the average college student in the US who is in the mid 20s in age. Where is he in terms of college? When will he be age 24? I ask because once he hits that 24 mark (look at the eligibility criteria to find out exactly which school year that would be) he is declared independent and you and mom will not be needed on the FAFSA.</p>

<p>If he were coming straight out of high school at age 18 with college aspirations, to ask him years is a bit much. But he is 22 and could be a year and a half from independence. Perhaps he can take some local college courses and work until he hits that milestone.</p>

<p>But, alas, you may find that it doesn’t really make that much difference. Just because a student comes up with a need on FAFSA, doesn’t mean the colleges will meet it. I don’t know any schools that guarantee to meet 100% of need based on FAFSA. So for him to go to a residential college situation, even without your financials and your wife’s on the applications, he just might not be given enough funds to make it work and not have the credit to take out loans beyond the guaranteed Stafford amounts. So even without you in the picture, without mom in the picture, without money from somewhere, the student can’t afford college. Sleep away college is not guaranteed. </p>

<p>Now going to a local state school is usually affordable. Your SS is entitled to borrow Stafford funds and with a part time job that usually covers it. If there are no such options for getting a 4 year degree, that’s when he may have to go away to school. Most areas have some local state school that is affordable often in the form of community colleges. It’s those last two years that can be a bear. But he should be 24 by that time or very close, and so aid would be based only on his financials, but as said before, that doesn’t mean that need would be met.</p>