Freshman doubting VP

College Majors Music Major
1

<p>It's my second month at a top conservatory program and I'm questioning my decisions. I see that I actually posted in October about being unsure about my path. Now, being in music school, I am unhappy. I don't enjoy all of my classes, and I live for the weekend just because I don't have class. I don't get along that well with my classmates, and I haven't made very many friends. I'm struggling in my theory and aural skills classes, and I'm just not sure how much is worth it. I struggled with depression in high school and singing was always the only thing that I was good at, and the only thing that made me happy. I only did okay in school (I'm not even sure of my graduating GPA, but I had about about a 3.5 GPA and got 1850 on my SAT. I got a lot of Cs in high school). So I figured that singing would get me into a good program, and it did. But here I'm really self conscious. I think that the other singers are better than me, and when I don't do well, I beat myself up mentally over it. I'm worried that maybe I picked the wrong teacher and I won't get to the level I need to be in for graduate school. Considering the fact that I have C's in aural skills and theory, I may or may not even pass, and I'm trying, it's just hard for me and I don't know how much is worth it and I'm not sure how much I'll ever really truly understand. I'm just not sure if I love it enough. I don't really look forward to performing, I just get nervous now. </p>

<p>The issue when I had doubts before was -- if I don't sing, what am I going to do because it's all I've ever looked into. It's all I've ever really thought about doing. My parents are putting money into my education here, but I'm really thinking.. Do I want to go into debt for this? Am I cut out for this? I'm so unhappy and I don't know how long I want to wait for it all to turn around. I'm not sure if it's the program and it's just difficult for me right now, or if I really don't want to do this. I don't think I have the right motivation or work ethic to be successful in this field, and while I'll always love watching opera and I'll always pay attention to all of the competitions, I just think it might be kind of crazy to think I could really make a living off of this given my skills. But sometimes I'm reminded why I love this. And just typing that, thinking of not doing it made me kind of sad. But once class gets underway again, I'm unsure. </p>

<p>Everyone here says "If you can see yourself doing something else, do that" and I don't really love anything extremely practical, but I just don't really think I have what it takes to do music, and I feel like I'm putting so much energy into something pointless. NY Opera just closed. Houses are closing left and right. Young Artists programs are stopping. If you go to an opera, everyone in the audience is old. What happens when they all die? I'm not really strong enough in theory or piano to be as good of a teacher as my high school teacher was to me. I used to think that struggling to be a musician would be fine because it would make me happy, but I don't even have enough motivation to practice, and that might be some of my depression kicking back in, but I kind of think I should get a degree that will help me get a normal job where I can just hate my boss and make some money and get on with my life, and go to the opera when I want and do normal things. I definitely don't think I have the capacity to double degree. </p>

<p>Then if I left vocal performance, I would need to leave my school altogether, and that would create an issue of where to go. I would be interested in my state's flagship, but I don't think my grades would be good enough to get in. I also don't think my parents would be interested in paying out of state or private school tuition for me to transfer when I'm so unsure. If I decide to transfer, wouldn't applications be due in December or January? </p>

<p>I'm afraid to talk to my parents about this. Everyone at home - family, friends, and teachers, are so proud and excited for me getting into such a good music school. I always got comments like "You were born to do this" and "We can't wait to see you at the Met" and that makes me not want to give up, but like I've said over and over I've been feeling very unsure and very unhappy. But I do have moments where I remember why I love music, but I feel like I'm torturing myself in the cycle. Ultimately, I fear that I'm not good enough and I don't have the motivation to make myself the best. If I'm not the best, then what am I really doing? </p>

<p>I suppose this is kind of an emotional rant/spilling of feelings, but I had to get it all out there. Advice? Is it normal to feel this strongly? Should I just leave after this year? I fear I'd be making a mistake because singing is the one thing that I've always loved, but I just keep on doubting the path. I don't think that mentally/emotionally I'm made to handle it. The fact that I'm struggling socially doesn't help. And that's a new/not new thing for me. I had two big groups of friends in high school, and I always made close friends at summer programs. I thought I'd come here and make best friends, but I haven't and I get more depressed when I'm lonely.</p>

2

<p>I think you know in your heart and your head what the problem is. If you are depressed NOTHING you do will matter. Taking care of yourself is paramount. Speak with your teacher about your struggle and see your physician. If you do not currently have a doctor, get a good referral. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about your career path. But it’s very tough if you are struggling with depression at the same time.
Cut yourself some slack, stop beating yourself up and see a doctor asap. You deserve it.</p>

<p>And here’s a hug. > ** <</p>

<p>One thing at a time.</p>

3

<p>Ditto to what musica said^! Don’t beat yourself up. Going to college is a tremendous transition in itself. A conservatory atmosphere can be difficult. </p>

<p>Don’t compare yourself to other singers, everyone has their own trajectory, everyone’s voice develops in different ways. Look into the backgrounds of famous singers and you’ll see this over and over, no one has a smooth ride in school and after, there are many bumps in this road.</p>

<p>I have known many students who struggled with theory and aural skills, you are not alone there!</p>

<p>Mostly get to a doctor and get some help with your depression, things will look better. Then you can make a clear well thought out decision if this is right for you.</p>

<p>I wish the best for you.</p>

4

<p>Hugs hugs hugs - The transition from a HS singer to a conservatory VP student is huge. Talk to your teachers and or Dean about the trouble you are having. You might be able to get extra help in theory or aural skills. Some students may need work study time and tutoring would help you both. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Try to set up a studygroup. DD found it was easier to study with instrumentalists who would use her to brush up their own info while helping her. It is also a good way to make more friends. Again, DD found friends outside the vocal studios, too. </p>

<p>It is normal for freshman to have these doubts in October no matter what their major. It is part homesickness, doubts, questioning path, finding out how hard college is, a real combination. You are not the only one having trouble making new friends, either. Try remembering others are shy. Start by asking one person to have lunch with you or study. If that doesn’t click go on and ask another. You may forget how long it took to make your old friends. </p>

<p>Don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone’s voice develops at a different pace. They heard something they liked and wanted to work with in you. Trust your teacher for a while. If that is truly not working find out about your school’s policy for changing teachers. It is too early to worry about grad school. </p>

<p>BTW - it was in a conservatory prgram that DD’s learning disablity was discovered. If you continue to struggle after trying other approaches find out where the disabilities office is and find out about getting tested. </p>

<p>Hang in there. The stress is making it worse. Try one thing at a time and give yourself some time.</p>

5

<p>Too late to edit - If in the end you find you do not like to study music, you just like to sing, that’s OK too. It is an avocation (hobby) not a vocation (job). You can transfer to do a different major or stay where you are and take enough electives to give a minor depending on what the school offers. But you do not have to give up singing.</p>

6

<p>Lala, freshman year can be tough regardless where/what you study. My D is at a conservatory and had a tough first year. Aural skills and theory consumed much of her time and she felt she didn’t have many friends. She is now a junior and completed her theory and aural skills requirements and is able to enjoy her other classes. She has a lovely group of supportive friends. Is there someone you can talk to? A counselor? What about your voice teacher? Hang in there.</p>

7

<p>I agree that you should investigate the health and possible depression issues first.</p>

<p>You should also seek out tutoring for those core music classes. It is challenging for many to shift from a love of music in high school to core music classes like ear training and music theory. Because of this, many schools have free tutoring for core classes that are requirements in the first two years. If you try this route, you may find that you will enjoy your classes more, which will get you over the hump and back to doing what you love, or at least giving yourself a better chance to get better than a C by semester end.</p>