My mom wanted nothing and I insisted she get it. She was ok with family getting together for a basic dinner, so we did that. She wanted to be cremated and kept with her cat’s ashes (different urns). She didn’t know where she wanted her final resting spot to be (scattered or in an urn), so she’s still at my house. She told us “absolutely not” when we suggested water or where she grew up. None of the family can come up with another spot, so she’s with us. I don’t mind.
My dad had everything pre-planned and pre-paid, so he got that. He’s buried next to his parents and there was a small graveside service.
I told H I wanted my body donated to science if possible. If not, I don’t care because I don’t need my body anymore - do what they want.
I think he said he wants the same, but he also said he wants a Viking’s sendoff (body on a ship set aflame and sent out to sea). I’m pretty sure he was joking? Someday I should probably ask again.
My mom lives in a different state. I guess she could have held something where she lived but my sister and I would be the only attendees. I don’t know how an 80 year old women who doesn’t use the internet would arrange a ceremony in his state when she never lived there and is unfamiliar with it. This is something his son, who lived in the same town as him, could have done with much less effort.
A thread about one’s own funerals - it had to happen!!
I am very anti traditional funeral home routines. My kids feel the same so I would not want to put them through that. I’m so glad there are better options that are acceptable these days like relaxed celebrations of life, cremation, etc.
My mom died in November and was adamant over the years for no open casket and as quick of a burial as possible (she was Jewish). Covid helped with all that as there was no way we were going to put anyone at risk in an indoor setting - and outside was out of the question in November in Michigan. Mom always told us “the funeral is paid for!” - turns out that actually just meant the CEMETERY was paid for and the entombment with my dad in a crypt. We just had a small service with immediate family and a Jewish representative in the mausoleum inside area. We all stood in a circle around her closed casket and shared a memory. We laughed and cried.
I think she would have loved it.
My H also will not discuss or become serious about end of life. It’s annoying but as others have said, if he goes first, I will chose.
Personally I have told my kids I prefer cremation and to spread my ashes in some of my favorite places in nature. I prefer no service, no flowers that are arrangements. Donate those $$ to a community garden or nature center! And the kids should do what ever else brings them comfort.
Probably cremation for my husband and I, and lots of roses and peonies at my funeral, I’m sure my kids know this, hey I might as well spend their inheritance on the way out, lol.
I don’t mean to be ugly, but if the son is like me; it would have introduced a level of trauma that I wouldn’t have wanted to endure just for tradition. You could have on behalf of your mother contacted the son and asked if he would have minded if you set something small up. Or you could have had your own ceremony, just your side of the family in your mom’s neighborhood. That way she wouldn’t have had to make the journey.
I know my feelings aren’t the norm, but they are my feelings. And as I get older I feel less inclined to apologize or feel guilty about it.
And that being said, I do attend such events for other people. Because even though they make me feel terrible, I understand the immediate family’s feelings are more important. And if they get comfort by my being there, then I’ll be there.
No, but I have written up death certificate and some obit info. I have had to help with those before when relatives were doing them for older generations.
I would like a full funeral because I know how important the occasions have been in my family over the years. I still remember my grandmother’s, in 1980 when I was 17 years old. It was in San Angelo, Texas and relatives came from all over the state. It was so reassuring as a young person to have all those folks around.
More recently, my mother’s funeral in July was also cathartic. My sister and I both got to talk about how wonderful Mom was. One of my mom’s 86 foster babies, now 36 years old, also spoke. Afterwards we had a full Texas-style barbeque lunch afterwards.
So I will leave instructions for what I’d like. James Taylor will definitely be played.
I have organized church school classes on the subject of death. My clergy spouse was a hospice chaplain for a while, and we’ve both found discussing death is often taboo in our culture. Class subjects included writing your own obituary, planning your own funeral/memorial service, including speakers on the medical aspects of death, speakers on legal considerations, speakers on various options like cremation, burial, etc. and costs & considerations associated, and more. It’s a bit easier to start to discuss when it’s hopefully purely hypothetical (but inevitable).
My mother passed away last September and it would have been less stressful planning her funeral, if we knew what she wanted. All we did know, was the funeral home and the cemetery (although we are very unhappy with that choice and may choose to move her when our father dies). Her mass was at her parish, and I am grateful to the Lazarus group, that took care of the structure of the mass and handling of the reception (we ordered food) in the parish hall. I was not very happy with the inability to change the music outside what they offered, but the soloist (due to Covid, she was the only one allowed to sing), did sing beautifully.
We spent far more than my mother would have had on herself, and I know she was both reprimanding us from above, while being appreciative at the same time. We did our best with flowers, considering that there were so many weddings in the area and a lack of supply due to Covid. Several people who had tried to order flowers were not successful.
For her, I think we did a good job. Watching Desmond Tutu’s funeral, I really appreciated his simple pine coffin and intention for a “water burial.” That is more like an acid bath, I think, but the environmental impact is much less than cremation.
There was a story in France, where many bodies given to science ended up being too much for the department dealing with them, so they just decayed in the hallways…it was pretty ugly. I am now thinking of a mushroom casket from the Netherlands or a wicker casket and a woodland burial and I often think about the hymns I would like. After my mother’s church would not allow the change of hymns, I know I will have to ask for a church that would….it could just be a chapel, assuming we have that luxury considering where the world is going.
We are Catholic and the process is all rather important, but also gives comfort to those who are left. Definitely write your own obituary if you can, because there isn’t a lot of time to think or craft anything to the level that you would like, if it happens quickly. My mother always appreciated the offbeat obits, as do I. Every life is a story.
Mom worked with a Catholic home for unmarried mothers starting in the early 80s when I was just starting college. My younger sister loved babies so she helped a lot. Mom would pick up an infant when he/she was only a day or two old. She would keep them anywhere from a week up to ten months, until they were placed with adoptive parents or occasionally the birth parents when they demonstrated they could handle the responsibility. The baby she kept the longest, about 10 months, grew up to be the man who spoke at her funeral. He went back to his birth mother. When the two of them ended up in Austin and needed help, my parents were there for them. The man is now a hair stylist to the stars in Las Vegas.
I think she was a foster mother for about 14 years. She would have kept doing it, but my dad finally got burnt out from all the overnight disruption of crying babies. That period was definitely the highlight of Mom’s life. She tried volunteering in the NICU at the hospital, but they really didn’t use her much.
I was NOT a “baby person.” Mom stayed with us for six weeks when our first child was born. She was a Godsend. Gosh, I miss her.
With the sudden deaths of both of her parents, Mallory McDuff found herself in a similar position. Utterly unprepared both emotionally and practically, she began to research sustainable practices around death and dying, determined to honor their commitment to caring for the earth. For McDuff, an educator and environmentalist, what started as a highly personal endeavor expanded into a yearlong exploration and assessment of green burials, aquamation, green cemeteries, home funerals, and human composting.
My husband says he wants to donate his body to medical science but he also said whatever we want to do. I kinda like the idea of a green burial but I need to do more research.
I do want to plan as much as possible. When my parents died it was super helpful that they had plans in place. I’d like to do that for our kids.
We have a cemetery near us that recently started doing green burials. It is a Catholic cemetery with a lot of unused land, and I guess they weren’t getting as much business as they planned. They developed a green burial area that is open to non-Catholics as well as to Catholics (new for them). The land overlooks a lake, and it’s really spectacular. It seems like a good option, but I have no clue what it costs.
After the agony of burying my mom and having to guess along with my brother about what she might have wanted, what the rest of our family might want etc. etc. I decided to go with the Neptune Society also. They are pricey, but with the right plan, one phone call and they will take care of you anywhere in the world. The price is worth it to me to know that there will be the least trouble possible. Then I want everyone to go out and have Mexican food and margaritas and tell the funniest thing they can remember about me. I want my ashes buried under any beautiful tree. We spent wayyyy too much on my mom (funeral with casket and then cremation and later urn burial) just so my brother wouldn’t feel guilty.
Like @VeryHappy I’ve told my husband and kids that I want my body to go to a med school as well. I’d like to be cremated and thrown into our brook in Vermont where I can join my parents. Whatever my family decides to do beyond that is up to them. Our family has generally had gatherings of friends who shared memories and my SIL who can sing usually leads everyone is a song or two. (We sang “Finlandia” and “Shenandoah” for my Dad.) That’s fine by me.
We have not, but should. Cremation is as far as we’ve gotten.
Pre-planning with a funeral service is a fantastic gift to leave one’s kids though so they don’t have to deal with it.
