Over the last three weeks I have attended three funerals. Two that were in-person and one that I, “attended,” via live-stream on Facebook.
Two were cremations. One was open-casket.
Two of them had two people doing eulogies + a pastor speaking. One had only a pastor speaking.
Two had hymn singing; one did not.
One had a visitation; two did not.
One had a lunch after; two had receptions after with sweets and coffee.
The one that I watched live-stream on FB was for my college roommate’s mother. The deceased had typed up her entire service including hymn choices and scripture readings long before her death was imminent. Her children added only one element she did not include - a recording of her singing.
My bil had been horribly ill for the last 16 months and had planned absolutely nothing. It was on my sil to plan every aspect of his funeral.
My childhood friend’s mother’s funeral had only arranged flowers in the chapel. No flowers or plants that were sent were displayed at the funeral. Only at the reception afterwards. Friend’s mom had wanted, “cohesiveness,” at her funeral. There was a very prominent, soprano solo of the Lord’s Prayer at her service.
How much have you thought about and/or planned for your own funeral? Is there anything special you want? Do you care at all?
I want nothing really. I want to be cremated and to have my ashes spread in the ocean of my hometown at sunset at a day/time that is convenient to my sons and/or husband (if latter is still alive).
I want no obituary, no service, no flowers. Nothing.
Ive told my family all this. I’m young(ish) 51, but have thought of what I want many years ago and they know I want no fuss whatsoever.
My parents have forms they filled out from their church picking readings, music, etc. The church has a group that hosts the funeral. You just tell them how many people and then give a donation to cover the food.
My father died at a hospital and the chaplain was very helpful and suggested a ‘no frills’ guy to do the cremation. He was great. My mother really liked picking out the flowers and the Mass cards. It gave her something to do.
I just went to a funeral for a 92 year old friend. She fell, knew she was dying, and set up her own funeral. In fact, she’d been the head of the group that put on the funeral luncheons at her church so knew exactly how to do it. She’d asked 3 friends to do the eulogy, and one of her kids. I bet she wrote her own obit. Very organized!
I don’t want anything either. I only care that my kids (and H if he’s still around) know who I was - someone who loved them with all my heart. I don’t care to be remembered by anyone else though I guess grandkids if they exist someday. I’ve told my family to do what’s cheapest unless they want something different.
I think about H’s funeral a lot - some days more than others lol…. I do not want any service of any kind for him. If that happens while we still live here, that would be huge, but I can’t think of anything worse for me to have to stand there for a memorial/visitation. I would only relent if my MIL were still alive - though now her mind is too far gone. Or if my kids wanted something, though I don’t see them gaining any closure from traditions. I’d rather it just be the 3 of us together to remember. I have a plan of two places that are very dear to H, where I want to scatter his ashes. I’ve told him my plan and he’s good with it. He counters if I go first he will sing and dance. Lol
Oy. The CC Circle of Life. We had threads about colonoscopy, retirement, grandkids, grand pets, you name it. Seriously, it was only a matter of time until someone would start a thread about what happens after one’s kicking the bucket!
Personally, I want to go out with the least amount of damage to the planet. Not sure if Recompose would be as green as it is portrayed…
Cremation for me. I don’t care about a funeral or memorial, and my H & kids know that they can do whatever feels right for them. Sudden, unexpected death may lead to a desire for closure from a formal gathering, while that may not feel necessary after a prolonged death or death at a very advanced age. They know that I don’t have any preference, and they know that I won’t know the difference, anyway. H feels the same, but his family (unlike mine) is into having big funerals. I told him that he needs to make sure his sister knows how he feels so that she doesn’t tell everyone I’m heartless if he goes first & I don’t have a big to-do.
My parents had nothing planned. My dad just died, we thought he had more time. My mom couldn’t stand the thought of cremating or burying him, but a family friend recently died and was laid to rest via the process of terramation (basically the process of accelerating the human composting process). My husband thinks it sounds awful (what option isn’t?), but my mom thought it was beautiful, peaceful, and exactly what my environmentalist dad would have wanted.
We will get cremated and then sent to Arlington National cemetery, where they put veterans in the niche wall, with military honors. If we weren’t able to do that, I think I’d go for the terramation.
If I go 1st, H can do whatever brings him comfort. I personally would prefer the least fuss possible. I would like whatever brings comfort to our kids, assuming they survive us. H wants Chinese style complete with an officiant chanting words none of us survivors will understand, and if I survive him, I will do my best to honor his wishes.
I have 2 answers. First, I am not religious (grew up Catholic/Jewish and had complicated and conflicting relationships with both organized religions). I don’t really want or need anything so just a cremation and scattering somewhere peaceful.
Second, I have a sick and twisted sense of humor. I would absolutely love to have a church organist play “Pop Goes the Weasel” and have a lookalike throw open the casket lid and jump out. I told DH the worst part about that is not being there to see the reaction. We have mused about staging it anyway before I die so I can be there for it but concluded my friends and family would be so angry they would kill me for real. Probably not the “plans” you mean but I thought it would lighten up the topic.
We’ve talked about it for years and our D knows our wishes. We both want to be cremated and who ever goes first has their ashes combined with 1/2 the ashes from our son, to be scattered together. When the second of us goes, process repeated with the other 1/2. We both would prefer a celebration of life/party if that’s what D wants. We believe funerals are for the living so whatever will bring the survivors the most comfort is fine by me.
I plan to donate my body to a medical school. My father did the same thing and I think it’s a nice way to make one’s death useful. Any “celebration” is up to my survivors.
My husband absolutely refuses to address the issue so I’ve told him if he goes first then I get to decide.
My parents did prepaid cremation (just a simple, basic cremation ). My mom died in Florida, where they lived & set up their plan. Everything was easy. When my dad died, he was in Michigan. It was actually pretty challenging to coordinate the cremation, and the place where they purchased their plan was horrible to work with. My dad died at my brother’s house, so we had to call 911 (that’s how it works in our state). The police officer was so great - he yelled at the cremation guy & got things straightened out for us. The reason I share this story is to serve as a heads-up. If you are going to prepay for cremation and/or funeral, be sure to know exactly how things work if you die away from home.
I have given this a little thought and decided cremation is the way to go, but I’m liking the sound of terramation a lot. Yes, please have a party. I’m not religious, so if anyone prays for me, I think I’d be a little annoyed but I won’t be able to do anything about it😆. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
My mom and dad have both passed in the last two years. Mom had no plans at all and wouldn’t even discuss a will. I scattered her ashes on the coast where she liked to go with her dogs. Just me and my niece, who said a few words. That was a nice “funeral.” I know mom would have approved.
My sister has the other half of mom’s ashes and I have no idea when she is planning to let them go, if ever. She didn’t want to come to the beach with me. I personally think keeping ashes around is a bit gruesome and I hope none of my family wants mine. Gross.
Dad also wanted no funeral, but at least he and my stepmom had everything planned out in advance, which I very much appreciated.
I’ve already mentioned a bit of my wishes to the kids, who weren’t particularly interested in hearing them. But it’s no fun having to unexpectedly decide what to do with a loved one’s remains.
We were lucky to have rough guidelines for my parents. My mom wanted cremation and my dad burial. My mom wanted her ashes scattered at sea but a little bit buried with my dad. My mom was catholic and we had masses said for her and a priest came for my dad’s burial (which we got to watch via zoom thanks to Covid). We had a celebration of life for both of them, and scattered my mom’s ashes a year after they died. Not would they would have expected thanks to Covid but I think we did a good job honoring their memories and capturing their spirits.
DH and I both want to be cremated. As far as what to do with my ashes? I used to joke that they should line first base with me at the local fields for all the time we spent watching the kids play ball. I actually would love that. If the kids want to keep them, that’s fine, too. I thought about putting in my will that they must scatter my ashes in Florence, because I love that city and neither kid has been so this would be my way to get them there.
I have taken a stab at my own obit. I wrote my dad’s, and people said how good it was, capturing him just right. I love to write so I figured why not?
I’m fine with a service. I went to one that I loved – the location, the music, the restaurant meal afterward. But I think my service would be much larger than this guy’s so it may be unrealistic to have it at this small, outside chapel. I just loved the idea of being toasted in the country, overlooking an area I love.
ETA: My friend’s mom did Neptune Society, and they were really pleased at the ease with which things were handled.
I have mixed feelings about the need for a funeral. For myself, I don’t care and wouldn’t want anyone to spend money or travel for it. But, I had an close uncle who died a few years ago. Following his wishes, his son had the body cremated and scattered the ashes. There was no ceremony of any kind. It just felt weird. Someone who was a major part of my life died and all we got was a phone call telling us it happened and that was it. I know my mom was really bothered by it. He was her older brother and after my father died she was probably closer to him than anyone else, yet all she got was a phone call.
I just went to a funeral on Thursday (for a woman who died at 93). Her daughter gave a touching and funny tribute, part of which was about how for years her mom kept reminding her that she had a bunch of important papers including her funeral wishes in a desk drawer. Her mom brought it up so many times that they jokingly called it “the death drawer.” My father was a retired minister and he had a manila folder labelled “When the Lord Calls Me Home.”
I don’t have strong feelings about burial vs cremation, but I do want some sort of memorial service if only because it brings people together for the occasion. The ones I’ve been to recently have definitely been of the “celebration of life” type and involved people who had lived to their late 80’s or 90’s. And for attendees, it can’t help but make you think about what’s important and what sort of impact you’ve had on people around you.
Just curious. If it bothered your mom so much, why didn’t she hold her own celebration of life ceremony and invite anyone who wanted to attend.
It’s just for me, if H passes first… those kind of events or people coming to the house (which H would have HATED! He hates having people in the house)… those events are the opposite of comforting to me. And as the widow, I don’t think I should have to hold something that makes me feel terrible so someone else can have closure. I told H if his sister wanted to do something, that was fine, but I wasn’t going. Now if my kids absolutely wanted something and wanted me there, I would suck it up for them. But them only. And I don’t really that happening but you never know.
And I’m still scattering his ashes where I told him I would. He likes the idea and just doesn’t want to be left unwanted in a basement during a move. That happened to someone we know in town. Nobody wanted the ashes and left them for the next homeowner
