I was about to post something almost identical.
The first thing DD did after breaking off, she started posting deeply disturbing things to her 16,000-follower Instagram (for example, she wrote she was homeless and penniless, with several thousand $ in her bank account, student housing and full meal plan paid until the end of the semester, and even used the same false pretense for a GoFundMe) . And she got so many likes that when people she knew personally started responding in shock, her argument was “but I got so much support online.” Then she blocked all of these people so she didn’t have to deal “with all the negativity.” Social media not only tear this country apart along the political divisions, they do the same to families, using the same methods, feed the pre-selected content and amplify.
When I was her age, I lived in a Soviet bloc country, and became involved in printing and distributing books banned by the censors, risking prison time. Seeing my DD becoming a censor to anyone who tried to present her with an opinion outside her bubble has been very poignant. A full circle of sorts.
My sister (referenced in my earlier post) had similar behaviors. If anyone questioned her version of reality or offered alternate viewpoints, they were the next on the list to be cut off. Real or imagined, in her perspective she is truly the 100% the victim (which is rarely the case in any situation).
I’m not sure the role social media may have played in her case as it was relatively new at the time, but I do personally despise social media as well for all of the reasons you mentioned.
So sorry you are going through this. It’s very hard with the “no contact” thing (I am from North Carolina so NC has a different meaning to me). And I definitely agree that the internet is terrible for spreading cult-like behaviors, conspiracy theories, and similar things.
My oldest (class of 2019) went through a period of being heavily influenced by things on the internet. Never went completely no contact, but it coincided with an extremely rough period during the high school years (ended up withdrawing from school and homeschooling for a year). Our relationship was very rocky, but we got through it mostly. In some ways I think the COVID stay at home era helped us because we were stuck in the house together. Anyway, my oldest is still under the influence of internet things (not going to discuss particulars), but our relationship is a lot better now due to time/maturity and a smidge of distance. Still doesn’t say “I love you” back to me, but does ask for my help and seems to enjoy my company more now (working and living independently in an apartment in a nearby town with a roommate).
The best advise I can give is to just keep trying to contact in a very supportive, loving, neutral way. Basically try to ignore the “no contact” thing. Send emails or texts (although I know she may have you blocked). Send a physical card if you know her address. Don’t be too nosy or interventionist, just try to keep your foot in the door so it can’t close all the way, and let her know that you love her and are there for her if she needs anything. If she ends up breaking up with the boyfriend or falling out with other friends she may come back around. And if she doesn’t you will have done what you can do. Does she keep in touch with any of her high school friends? Do you know any of them? If so you could maybe let them know that you miss her and would love to reestablish contact. Harder said than done I suppose.
Best of luck as you navigate this.
I am so sorry, I can’t imagine the pain you must feel. A friends daughter had a similar change in college, she was in abusive relationship and he forced her to cutoff contact with her family.
Are you able to reach out to any of her friends at school or to the school to express concern for her well-being?
I’ve seen lots of young people describe their parents with this label lately on social media. Not sure if that’s part of this no contact thing, but they are getting it from somewhere.
Using sledgehammers against minor grievances (because the sledgehammer user thinks it is a much bigger grievance than it actually is) is not exactly a new trend.
Yes, nothing new.
Deranged killers using guns, that’s nothing new either. But AR-15s and social media, respectively, made the situation worse in a similar way.
True. But in the pre-social media era you could at most trash your parents to your friends and maybe one of them would give you a straight talk about your situation or even help mediate. You didn’t really have an easy way to broadcast your grievances to the world at large.
What’s different now is that social media gives you a huge platform and pulls in people who reinforce your ideas and mindset. That’s what’s different and very toxic.
OP - I feel terrible to hear about your situation. Hoping things work out for you and your family. I’ve seen situations like this turn around so don’t lose hope.
But today the sledgehammer is bigger with social media. There are people who use FB and social media as a weapon–they spout their venom/grievances publicly and unfortunately it’s there forever. It’s not words you can take back, a letter written in anger that you can tear up, a drunken phone call to be apologized for. We have a twitter/facebook/instagram society that cancels opposing views that turn it into a bubble of propaganda. Don’t like your POV? With a flick of a finger I don’t have to listen to you–ever again.
Thanks for answering. I asked because I have seen this happen twice, and both times religion was a key issue (one was a religious person becoming more secular and the other a secular person becoming deeply religious).
If sincerely hope a reconciliation occurs. If nothing else, I hope you at least find out the reason for all of this.
I looked up “No Contact” just to see what was on the internet about it. I didn’t want to take too much time so my investigation was very cursory. From what I can glean it’s mostly about dealing with the breakup of a romantic relationship and initiating a no contact policy with your ex after the breakup. In that light it would make some sense to me. I can see where some groups (cults) regardless of their makeup could use the same rules to separate impressionable people from otherwise healthy relationships. People use a less extreme version of this all the time when they “unfriend” people whom they decide they have an unreconcilable opinion difference. While breaking off contact after a difficult breakup until you can handle the situation is a potentially a good strategy in my opinion, using it to sever relationships with people who care about you is destructive. Good luck. May your child end this sooner rather than later.
Googling “going no contact with parents” renders more relevant hits.
“Consider going no contact with a parent if your interactions with your parent are undermining your self-esteem, self-respect, choices, decisions, and/or relationships ,” says Avigail Lev, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in San Francisco. Lev recommends doing a cost/benefit analysis on your relationship.
I just googled this–just copied what came up on-line without looking for anything in depth.
Read this objectively. This is from the PsyD clinical psychologist. A supposed expert with degrees who should know. Right?
You’re lucky if you still have a kid if they read this stuff and buy into the victim attitude. In that short paragraph it erases the role parents have. The kid is right even if wrong. What if they have a therapist who pushes them? Get a new therapist. Find one who agrees.
Very hard to guide your kid as a parent if you don’t step on their “self esteem” occassionallly, “choices” (that’s a main job of parenting often), “decisions” (kid’s decisions aren’t the best at the best of times often) and/or their "choice in relationships "(nevermind the kid is in “love” with a psychopath but can’t see it or has the worst peer group ever). Basically many of the roles of a parent are viewed as adversarial and detrimental rather than positive (trying to teach and keep a kid out of trouble).
Suggested to do a “cost/benefit” analysis of the relationship with a parent.
How many of us wouldn’t have tossed our parents at some point? But instead knew that wasn’t a real option --well, now it is. And accepted readily in your personal bubble.
Thanks for posting this. I haven’t read all the replies but will. I appreciate the heads up for just another one of the bizarre things going on in our society, many of which our young people and others are falling for.
I remember seeing you on 5C’s threads when you were considering Pomona. I’m so sorry things have gone so dramatically sideways with your daughter in such a short time.
The stuff you describe - such as claiming to be penniless and setting up a GoFundMe - goes way beyond a problem that’s specific to the parent/child relationship. It’s concerning vis-a-vis what could be going on, mental health wise, with your child.
Is there anyone you’re in contact with that she still trusts? Perhaps a music teacher from before college, or someone like that, who could check in on her well-being from a more neutral position?
The money issue is tough. While the “fine, if I’m out of your life, there will be no more financial support” stance would certainly be tempting and arguably justifiable, it may not lead where you want to go. OTOH, a relationship in which dispensing money is your only interaction will inevitably lead to the perception that you are communicating/manipulating via your control of the purse strings. I’d be looking hard for ways to interrupt that whole dynamic. Perhaps setting up some kind of fiscal intermediary. Perhaps discussing with your spouse, what your conscience tells you the total financial support going forward should be, given her behavior (my thought would be, not zero, but not the full cost of three more years at Pomona either, since that was obviously a huge stretch for you in the first place), and communicating that irrespective of what she decides about the relationship, these are the resources available to her. I don’t claim to have the answers here, but I’d be looking to find a way to separate the relationship issues from the money issues as much as possible. I am sure there’s no perfect solution or perfect response. It’s a very tough situation, and I’m so sorry this has happened.
My husband has already told our '22 that some weird things will happen during the first semester. It will seem like we are older and less worldly once kid gets out into the world. The story DH has is, he went to college in a city. (His parents had never gone to college) When he came back for Thanksgiving everything seemed tiny and backwards. It took several years to reset things with his parents whom he considered just old, not wise. Then he went to work and started living his life and realized how it’s not so easy to raise 5 kids. He had a very close relationship with them after that.
We’ve already told our kids that while you might not do things our way when you’re an adult, we’ve been able to manage pretty well. They’ve also seen us build (and sell and close) businesses. Very high and very low points. They’ve seen us nurse our parents and nurse our friend who died too young of cancer. They get mad at us when we step on their self esteem or desires. But being a good parent, IMO, isn’t being their friend. It’s being their mentor. Are they angry at us, yes, sometimes they are. But they know we love them.
We’ve also talked about the benefits of managing mental health and their own lives and the trap of social media. They aren’t victims and accept responsibility when things go wrong. Not always right away but after considered thought. They know that social media is addictive and also can be harmful.
Your google lookup makes me think I am going to talk about the no contact thing directly.
Reading through all this, and seeing the reactions that characterize this as a ‘trend’ and the like, my inner social scientist is led to ask whether the “NC” phenomenon is either new or (as the term trend implies) increasing.
I don’t definitively know the answer to these questions, but I sincerely doubt that it’s new—the terminology and (possibly) support networks surrounding it may be, but given centuries of folklore of kids running off to join the navy or the circus or whatever to completely get away from their families, I would suggest it isn’t. Whether there’s an upward trend or that it’s just that it’s more visible these days, that’s a question to be answered by a proper course of research, and from a cursory search I can’t find any that’s been done.
Australia…an entire continent settled by the “NC” crowd of their era. You found out a sibling had passed two years after the fact…
I actually know someone who DID run away to join the circus. lol It’s not folklore.
There are many who joined the military as an “easy” (not so much) way to escape home.
Some was just living circumstances which didn’t necessarily reflect on parents. Some were abuse situations. There will always be good reasons. There is no “one size fits all” here.
There are also bad reasons.
The difference is that in a connected society such as ours has become it is very easy to go “no contact” and is being used as a control being advertised on the internet. It’s a cancellation society. It is being used by kids who have no idea what “no contact” actually means to a parent. Or to themselves. They think they can turn it on and off which is not true. The internet makes grievances permanent.
While hating your parents and trying to escape is not new, reconciliation is harder.
I have actually heard of this before, a pretty long time ago. Don’t know if it was a documentary, news show, or written about in a paper, but this isn’t new. I don’t think kids think that they can turn it on or off, but more likely they aren’t thinking clearly at all. They have been completely high jacked.
As having been the person paying for school, could you speak to someone at her school? Perhaps, you will find other students have gone down that path? (Like the Sarah Lawrence thing?)
In any case, OP, I hope you realize that this is not a reflection on you.