Under the federal law, the college cannot reveal ANY information about your child, even if you pay for all their education, if the child requests the information be blocked, which she did. They would be exposing themselves to massive fines if they revealed as much as kid’s final grades. That’s correct. Then I wrote she’s a straight A student, I get it from social media, not from the college staff or her. As many well-intended pieces of legislation (who wouldn’t want to protect kids from abusers), this one has massive unintended consequences.
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As far as I remember, you and your wife grew up in Eastern Europe. My wife is from ex-USSR, and consequently we are part of a wider community of immigrants from that part of the world. In my experience, there is a tendency among some parents to be “Tiger Parents”. Partly because that is what good educated families did, and partly because that was the way to succeed, especially if one did not come from a family with better connections.
The difference between the way you raised your daughter may further be a large contrast to the upbringing that her wealthy boyfriend had. You almost certainly pushed her more than his parents pushed him, required that she take responsibility in cases in which his parents would “take care or it”, etc. You admitted to living frugally, which could be misinterpreted as being miserly, and likely put more pressure on her than what her boyfriend grew up with
Rather than blame some internet “cult”, which is an all-too-convenient scapegoat, you may want to look into the possibility that she has a controlling boyfriend. In my experience, in most cases in which a person initiates breaking contact with their family, and in which there is no history of abuse, it is because of a manipulative and controlling partner. Convincing their partner to cut off all contact with family and friends is a very typical behavior for a toxic controlling partner. That way, even if she wants to leave, she may be afraid to do so.
That is why I’m advising you to reach out to her friends. If she is cutting them out of her life too, that is a pretty clear indication that the problem is likely her boyfriend. If she is in contact with her friends from high school who you know, and they are cutting contact with you as well, there is a different problem there.
As for the idea that “breaking contact” is a cult, no, it’s not. There are indeed narcissistic parents out there, and they are absolutely toxic. I have known many people whose parents or other relatives are like that. They have created a support network to help others like them. Many of the people complaining about these networks were not good parents. While I do not think that there are all that many narcissists, there are plenty of pretty bad parents. What is true is that people tend to glom onto a term and use it to cover a multitude of unrelated problems.
So while many of the people on the networks do not have parents who are specifically narcissistic, the parents are toxic in various other ways.
The person on that discussion board is exactly the type of person who is the primary enabler of narcissistic and toxic parents, because of her own belief that kids always owe something to their parents. She evidently believes in an afterlife, so she is convinced that “forgiving” such parents will help the kid end up in Heaven, and that the parents will ultimately suffer in Hell, and thus there is no need for the kid to endanger their own afterlife by behaving badly to their parents.
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Did I miss something?
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Nobody on this thread. Look at the OP on the Gransnet link that the ArtsyKidDad provided - that is to whom I am referring.
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There is a strange dynamic here: I keep trying to make it as universal as possible, with the main goal of warning other parents. But several posters try to make it specific, suggesting all sorts of solutions.
It’s been over 4 months, and we’ve tried them all, to no avail. We went through self-blame and blaming everyone else, and everything in between. Reaching out as well, nicely and gently. Who wouldn’t?
While I cannot stop anyone from posting whatever they want, I would prefer if this threat stayed focused, if possible, on the Going No Contact aspect of it.
Now, @MWolf: of course it’s the boyfriend. Excellent analysis, thank you.
But I’m not getting into it because in many GNC situations it is not, and even when it is, I would insist that ready scripts, instructional videos, and plenty of support from your Instagram fans make the situation so much worse.
For example, you get “words of support” like these, and this is a direct quote from one supporter:
“proud of you!! people forget that blood relation isn’t always real family, chosen family can be real family, and blood relatives can be toxic and abusive, you don’t owe them anything, respect is not given, it’s earned, and they didn’t earn it from you. letting go is never easy, so i’m proud of you for taking those steps in caring for yourself”
This is from a person who doesn’t claim to know any parties involved but knows the current lingo. I hope you see my point.
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Have you read “Rules of Estrangement” by Joshua Coleman? It’s written for exactly your situation.
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Yes I agree. In my generation (gen X), and my parents’ generation (boomers), you accomplished this by moving out after high school. Maybe you took a job in another town, joined the military, or went to college. You didn’t come back to visit very often or at all. Nobody thought it was all that weird.
There are so many people in my and my parents’ generation that did that, I can’t even count them. And many of them I know did it primarily to get away from their parents, including my mother and both my in-laws, and several of their siblings. Many of my friends have also explicitly told me they’ve done this. Sometimes it’s for reasons nobody would know or expect.
I didn’t move far away JUST to get away from my parents, but boy, it has been a wonderful bonus. My sister did move to get away from them. I didn’t permanently move far away until I was 28 and married with a child, so it wasn’t youthful ire. I also try to avoid them coming to visit us much. The older I got the more I realized how much I don’t really value their presence in my life (or my kids’). We are “friendly” and see each other every year or 2, but I often go several months without communicating with them at all. We are nice to them and try to help them (from afar) when they need it. But if they wanted a CLOSE relationship with my sister and me, they should have been nicer to us 
Would I have blasted them on social media if I were a youngster now? Probably not, but I’m not active on social media in general. I think most of this distancing is not new, but maybe the implementation is new. I also see older people putting waaaay more personal drama on social media than I’d ever be comfortable with, so I don’t think it’s a uniquely young person problem. I am glad that I grew up before the expectation was to be tethered to your parents via cell phone etc. It allows a much more natural “fading away” for relationships that you want to pull back from.
I will be interested to see how much our kids decide to communicate with us once they leave home. We are not the tethered type, so it could be a lot or a little. I suspect we’ll barely hear from the eldest except for occasional proof of life texts. Not because we’re not close now, just because of his personality. Hope he doesn’t decide he dislikes us though, that would suck! And I feel for parents who have an estrangement from their child, which would be very painful indeed. I’d be curious to know how much of this newer “no-contact” stuff is actually new, or if it’s just being broadcast to onlookers more.
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You’ll see this all over the internet not just for NC situations but for all sorts of situations. Almost word for word.
I completely agree with your comment, although I have relatively close relationship with my parents.
After the kids graduate from high school, we owe them nothing more and they owe us the same. We pay for their college and other things because we want to do it, not because we have to. They call us and (sometimes) ask for advice because they want to do it, not because they have to. Am I going to be hurt if they stop communicating with us? Sure! I like my kids and would like if they are my friends and are part of my life. Would I freak out if they go NC? Nope, it’s their life, they can do whatever they want with it.
Deleted several posts. Please move the conversation forward and refrain from bickering.
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To offer one minor correction here, the law you mention (FERPA) is not opt-in, it’s opt-out. The student doesn’t request info to be blocked. So the default is that no one can get information on the student, and the student would have to sign something to give the college permission to share info with the parents.
Some colleges don’t say much to the students about this, while other college administrations strongly encourage the students to sign the form to give the school permission to share the info with parents. Some even encourage students to give parents access to the learning management system (e.g. Blackboard, Canvas) as well. I’m sure lots of parents hate the law, for various reasons both good and bad. However, I can tell you that professors love FERPA!
Somewhat related, we were on a Syracuse tour recently and the tour guide said that the school offers an app so that the parent can track the student’s location on campus. I think I embarrassed my spouse because I involuntarily burst out laughing when she said that. But clearly some parents want that app (though there’s plenty of existing apps that do the same thing). We also won’t be asking our kid to sign a FERPA waiver, but I understand that lots of parents feel differently.
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Lol I agree - after two older kids, I have learned that if they don’t want me to know about something I am generally happier not knowing! No ferpa waivers here either!
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It doesn’t sound like OP’s daughter has asked her parents to continue paying. She went no contact and that’s that. The parents may have already completed CSS and FAFSA for the next year and she may have everything worked out for the next year. She may be fine with it, may be making enough off Go fund me to keep going.
It is very hard to wait, but that’s all you can do right now You know she’s not homeless, you know she has (or at least had) enough to eat. Not sure if she’s expecting to live in the dorms for the coming year. You’ve raised a strong kid, so hope she goes after what she wants.
I think a lot of these situations do end with a financial blow up or success. The child learns that recreating the life style they were raised in is HARD. Living in the commune may be fun for a while, but not forever. Trying to work without that college diploma is hard. Not being able to fund the year in Europe is disappointing. However, if the child can figure out how to get that college degree, that first big job, hit it big financially without the parents’ help? The separation may take longer to mend. It may happen when the child has a child. It may happen because of illness of the child or parent.
I hope it happens for the OP sooner rather than later, but I don’t think anything can hurry the process along.
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I personally think misrepresenting your circumstances to get funds from people from Go Fund Me crosses a line, regardless of your relationship with your parents. If I am remembering correctly what the OP is saying has been going on?
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Oh, I agree that misrepresenting herself on Go Fund Me is wrong, and I also think one can get money initially but that the funds don’t poor in for long. That’s her choice and the choice of those who contribute.
Kids who haven’t really been homeless are often not very good at figuring out how to get money. Go Fund Me, begging near the highway? Hard to keep it up.
I wouldn’t consider NC a movement. Maybe just one tentacle of the broader cancel culture that others in this thread have mentioned.
Social media isn’t the cause, but rather just a tool for people that have been sheltered their whole lives to cancel people. No real world experience, no desire for understanding, no coping skills, etc.
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i really think kids have no idea how much their parents love them, till they have kids on their own. Then, they transfer that love to their own kids . . . who in turn will do the same to them. I love my parents of course, but LOVE LOVE my children. this same feeling process will probably happen to me in time with my own kids when they have kids.
our nephew has no contact with his mom and dad; i think it’s because of his wife. grandparents cant see their grandkids. Its heartbreaking; both the mom and daughter in law are alpha-females and clash. and the younger couple is winning.
I’m very sorry this is happening.
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OP I’ll PM you. So sorry about this.
So, schools out, funds are cut off. Isn’t she homeless now?
Quite the contrary. She’s having time of her life with b.f.'s family. A very luxurious European holidays, At least that’s what her social media posts say so it must be true, right? 
We didn’t detect any inclination toward old fashion remedies to limited funds, like a summer job. It’s very much against anything we hoped to teach her… Oh well, one more parental failure…