<p>I once knew a boy. He had no hope. His life was shrouded in fear. Darkness was his only friend. Neglected by his father and beaten by his mother, it seemed as though no one loved him. This boy began to grow up, hating the world and all its inhabitants; never being able to form relationships with his peers. At age seven, he was robbed of his innocence. Strange people came and took him away from his mother. He was placed with his grandmother on a rural farm.
She began to take care of him. Showering him with love that he never knew, it seemed as though he would finally be able to overlook his painful history and move on with his life. Then one day, she had a stroke. The boys world fell to pieces. For the next month, he watched his beloved grandmother suffer and die before him. In the middle of his high school career, he was forced to move across the country and to reside in a strange home with strange people. After all that he had been through, after all the pain and turmoil life presented to him, after all the emotions he had experienced, this boy seemed conquered but it was not the end. Yeah, I once knew that boy, that boy is me.</p>
<p>Tell me what you think good or not. After this, will be all positives.</p>
<p>Good, except the yeah at the end is too informal</p>
<p>Your introduction shouldn't summarize what your essay is going to be about. What's the point of reading on further if the reader already knows what your essay is about?</p>
<p>I disagree with degerneration.
I like bordering on informality in college essays. </p>
<p>"After all that he had been through, after all the pain and turmoil life presented to him, after all the emotions he had experienced, this boy seemed conquered but it was not the end. Yeah, I once knew that boy, that boy is me." </p>
<p>May I suggest that you break this up a little bit, ex: "this boy seemed conquered. Yet, it was not the end"
and also, I'd end with: "Yeah, I once new a boy, that boy is me" </p>
<p>the "a" like in the first sentence brings you full circle.</p>
<p>that isnt what my essay is about per se. it's back ground. My essay is about how I have overcome that and been able to help others </p>
<p>and thanks hannah</p>
<p>Too cliche and overdramatic. Phrases like "showering him with love" are overused. Phrases like "I once knew a boy" are wordy and unnecessary. Try speaking in first person and be more direct and concise. Also, it seems like you are going over too much of your life. Instead, focus on one instance in detail and find a way to breifly ncorperate some of the other information you might want to say as background information. </p>
<p>I would start like "Ten years ago my world fell apart when my grandmother died. She was my last remaining person who shielded me from the darkness of my childhood. (Elaborate breifly here) Without her my world came crashing down like a building stripped of its support. Ect." Ofcourse thats horrible, but something following those lines.</p>
<p>You have to make your essay sound more genuine rather than overly dramatized. Though your feelings may be genuine you have to let your true voice shine through. write as if you were conversing with an friend/family member and make it a TINY bit more formal than that. The reason that "Yeah, I once knew that boy" sticks out is because the rest of your essay is much too formal now.</p>
<p>it's really only the beginning. I just wanted to see if it would be a good hook for the adcoms.
The MAJORITY of my essay focuses on how I have overcome everything, how I can contribute my personality to their college and how it have been doing just that so far.</p>
<p>I don't think it would be a good hook either. If I were an adcom I'd just think "oh theres another one of those overdramatized adversity essays"</p>