Grade my Compare Essay Please?

I’ve just taken AP history in 10th grade, and so far it’s kinda ok. Only homework I get is ID’s (which is vocab, but you define the word, when and where, and why it’s important, takes like half an hour for 10), and readings. I do those in study hall, (my school has 90 minutes of study hall). I’ve gotten the hang of tests now, (80 on my first, 87 on my second), it’s just mostly critical thinking, and seeing the “bigger picture”. Anyway, this is my first compare essay and I did EXACTLY what my teacher said to do, he gave me an 8. I heard it takes the AP people 90 seconds to grade an essay. Without further ado…</p>

Prompt:
The earliest civilizations developed along fertile river valleys in approximately 3500 B.C.E. Compare the development of two of these early River Valley Civilizations of Egypt and Mesopotamia. Be sure to include both similarities and differences. </p>

Egypt and Mesopotamia, two river valleys in the Middle East that started to develop around 3500 BCE, shared similarities and had differences. Egypt and Mesopotamia had similar governments and social practices, but they each had unique advancements.
Egypt and Mesopotamia shared similar governments. Both of them used a theocratic government. They used a theocratic government because they highly valued religion. Egypt and Mesopotamia also did not have representation for the average people. Commoners such as farmers and regular citizens did not have a say in government. A reason for this is because is so the average people do not gain too much power. They were viewed as simple laborers who did the deeds of the gods. Both Egypt and Mesopotamia had strong militaries. They both conquered surrounding areas. They had a strong military because they needed it to defend themselves and also to subjugate surrounding regions. Not only did Egypt and Mesopotamia share similar government structure, they also shared similar social practices.
Egypt and Mesopotamia shared similar social practices. Both river valleys had a strict, rigid, social hierarchy that had a large lower class. The lower class generally had much lesser rights and privileges than the elites, much like early agrarian societies. This structure was dominant because lower class people had a very hard time advancing their status, a farmer stayed a farmer. Another similarity in social practice was the use of slave labor. Slave labor provided the grounds for huge architectural projects (i.e. pyramids) and also for farming. Slaves were popular because both river valleys had many of prisoners-of-wars as a result of their conquests. Thus they enslaved them instead of executing or keeping them in jail. Males in Egypt and Mesopotamia had a more superior position to women. Partly because most agrarian societies around the world deteriorated the societal position of women, and Egypt and Mesopotamia were no different. Egypt and Mesopotamia shared similar social practices, but were different in terms of advancements.
Egypt and Mesopotamia each had unique advancements. Both Egypt and Mesopotamia had writing forms, but that’s where the similarities ended. Egypt had hieroglyphics, and Mesopotamians had cuneiform. Hieroglyphics were mainly used for religious purposes, for priests, while cuneiform was used as a general writing system. These were developed because of the need to store information such as religious texts or numbers. A powerful invention the Mesopotamians had was the wheel, which proved fatal against Egypt. The Egyptians did not use the wheel until they were introduced to the chariot, which was when the Hyksos invaded them with chariots. This gave Mesopotamians a huge advantage because it made life easier, trade easier, and their warfare developed. Egypt and Mesopotamians both had huge building projects, Egyptians with pyramids and Mesopotamians with ziggurats. But their purpose was drastically different. They pyramid was used for burial purposes, while the ziggurat was more of a temple to the gods and also served as the city plaza. Because Egyptian pharaohs had many expensive things buried with them to accompany them to the after-life, grave robbers were a problem. Thus huge pyramids were erected to safeguard the pharaoh’s belongings. Egypt and Mesopotamia had unique advancements that benefitted them.
Two river valleys in the Middle East that had started developing around 3500 B.C.E, Egypt and Mesopotamia, shared similarities but had a few differences. Egypt had similar governments and social practices, yet they each had unique advancements.</p>

I know this may sound repetitive, I thought so too, but my teacher said this would get me points. Straight and forward beats fancy language. He told me to use BECAUSE a lot to get my that HOW AND WHY point. Anyway, please grade and be harsh on feedback. (Took me 2 hours)</p>

<p>This is a month late and I don’t know if you still need feedback but I’ll try my best.</p>

<p>While facts DO beat fancy language, you can’t just disregard it completely. On the actual exam, you already know that you can’t spend 2 hrs writing one essay, and while I know that you will get better with practice, isn’t it much quicker and easier to write an essay that flows? Your short, almost too direct sentences give off a really rushed feel. If you actually look at it, the paragraphs are more of list of facts than they are actual thoughts. While I see your points, they are listed rather than presented. Can you understand what I mean? I just think it’s easier and more proper to write in an /authentic/ style.</p>

<p>Also, just throwing this out there, but I think it’s kind of funny how your teacher wanted you to write about the early civilzs when they’re literally 5% of the test.</p>

<p>I don’t have the rubric but I’m sure you’ve gotten lots of info. You may need world context though? But I’m pretty sure it’s not enough for the extended points, but I may just be saying this because my teacher never gave them even if we wrote great essays to always help us improve (so the “max” was 7). But I’m not your teacher, so who knows. :P</p>

<p>Thanks man, really good advice. I think you’re saying I presented my facts as “laundry-list of facts.”. That’s on the rubric, says you shouldn’t do that.</p>