Grade my AP WH thesis

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>I'm writing a comparative essay for my AP WH class and the prompt is:</p>

<p>Analyze sim/diff. in the rise of two following empires:</p>

<ul>
<li>West Sudanic Empire (Ghana, or Mali, or Songhay)</li>
<li>Mongol Empire *</li>
<li>Carolingian Empire *</li>
</ul>

<p>And my thesis is: The Mongol and Carolingian Empires are two vastly diverse societies. Due to the fact they come from different locations and time periods, they had more differences in their rise to power than similarities. </p>

<p>I did this at a study session and one tutor said I could add more details to their similarities and differences in the thesis and the other one said its fine.</p>

<p>I'm going in circles, I feel like I could add more but then I feel like its fine, can some please citric my essay?</p>

2

<p>Similarities AND differences or similarities OR differences?</p>

<p>I’m assuming it’s the latter. Will your two paragraphs be on the locations and time periods? For your actual thesis, I would go more in-depth on the specifics (What role did their locations provide? Or why did the time period matter?) without making it too lengthy.</p>

3

<p>My teacher told my class to add what their similarities and differences specifically are. For example: they were different in size and trade, but similar in government.</p>

4

<p>Current APWH student also.</p>

<p>It does contain most of the required elements of a these, but it still seems a bit lean, possibly due to the vocabulary you used. Maybe find a way to reword it to make it a bit more appealing.</p>