Grade my essay please

<p>Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>If one isn not careful, his or her success could be disastrous. Sometimes one's mind becomes so infected with the need to succeed that he or she often forgets to look at the consequences his or her actions could have on the lives of others. Examples from history show how when people are determined to succeed, they wil do just about anything to do so.</p>

<p>Benito Mussolini once said, "The end justifies the means". This means that the gains someone, or a country obtains during a fight account for all the hardships taken to get to those gains. This quote can relate to the Frenchv Revolution because while the third estate was fighting for more rights, they didn't care about the consequences of their actions, as long as they succeeded in completing their goal. For example, during the start of the French Revolution, many of the radicals took part in the Storming of the Bastille. During this even, many people were killed as a result of France's third estat's drive for success. Also, when looking at the French Revolution as a whole, it could be shown how the third estate's abhorrence towards the laws that restricted them in society, and the high amount of taxes they had to pay, even though they were very poor, led them to build up such a need for success that any means we're taken to do so. When the guillitine was first used in by the radicals of France, they realized it was a sucessful way to get their point across, thus leading them to use it very often, and therefore their success caused the deaths of millions of people. Finally, the success of the third esate during the French Revultion had disastrous effects on the buildings of France, many of which were destroyed.</p>

<p>During the 1700s, Great Britian was known as one of the world's strongest power. This success of Britain led them to obtain colonies in the hope to become more successful. While this did work for a while, the colonists soon became annoyed at the British, who were taking advantage of them by placing the Proclamation Acts. This led to revolutionists in the colonies, such as Thomas Paine, to rally the colonists together to win independence from Britain. Not only did this have disatrous affects because of the many deaths that happened in the American Revolution, but also because of how it diminished Great Britain's worldwide because of the embarrassing loss they had suffered.</p>

<p>While success is postitive in many ways, if people get to attached to the need to keep on succeeding, it is possible for many disastrous events to occur. This may be the result of people thinking that if they are always successful, then they will have no problems in life, however, based on past events, this is not true. </p>

<p>A 10 or 11.</p>

<p>Wonderful Essay!</p>

<p>Tips:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Use three examples. Shorten the first example and add a new one in the extra space. Three examples will guarantee a 12 for you.</p></li>
<li><p>Use transition words. In Conclusion,… OR After a careful analysis… OR Finally,… OR Therefore… etc</p></li>
<li><p>Opening is Fantastic but conclusion is bland. Learn some cool lines for conclusion and use them in your essays.</p></li>
<li><p>Start ALL examples with statement showing how they relate to main thesis. Example 1 is started well but Example 2 is not.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Best of Luck!</p>

<p>Thesis: 6. Good thesis, but could be clearer if you broke it into two phrases. (Not two sentences).
Organization: 4 A 5 or 6 requires 5 paragraphs and good transitions. You have neither. (This is based off SAT rubric)
Diction: 5 Nothing amazing.
Grammar: 4 Some small errors, but more importantly, try not to use ‘it’ in the beginning of a phrase.
Sentence Variety: 5 Good.</p>

<p>Overall: 5/6 or 9-10/12. I would respectfully disagree with @determined2300. Your essay is pretty good, but not great and certainly not definitely a 10. </p>

<p>Strangely, I would argue that example 2 started well, while example 1 did not. Each body paragraph needs to start with a transition and link between the example and the thesis. </p>

<p>Conclusion is fine. Often, readers will just look to check there is a conclusion. It’s not important, but having a good one can make the difference between top scores. </p>

<p>Finally, I’d like to say that your introduction is really subpar compared to the rest of your essay. Go with a clear hook-transition-thesis format. Make sure that thesis is the second to last sentence.</p>