<p>Practice Test #4
Assignment: Can success be disastrous?</p>
<p>At first glance, success is often viewed as an unparalleled ideal that one strives to possess. The road to gain success is filled with twists and turns: a complex labyrinth. However, the end of this complicated puzzle may be the opposite of what one predicts. Certainly, success can be disastrous, like the success of the French Revolution and the success of a friend of mine during AP Test season.
In history, a seemingly positive success being truly a hectic, disastrous one is the success of the third estate of France during the French Revolution. Due to their lack of voice in political decisions and an unfair tax distribution, the frustrated third estate members broke away from the unjust ways of French government. By forming an unbreakable pact in the form of the Tennis Court Oath, the unequivocal group swore to never disband until a never government was formed. Although the group held strong ideals and beliefs, a man named Robespierre contradicted these ideals by acting violently against those opposed to the revolution's purpose. Eventually, the third estate members gained success in the revolution; however, the contradiction of Robespierre's violence illustrates the disastrous nature of success.
In my life, I have observed many people, including a close friend of mine, proved that success can be disastrous. In the AP Test season of 2007, my friend studied every moment of every day. Although her constant studying proved itself effective when she received a score of "5", her attitude toward her peers during this time was the least bit genial. She succeeded in the aspect of a phenomenal score, but her treatment of her friends and family due to her stuck-up and "consumed" attitude shows the polar opposite of success.
The statement, "be careful what you wish for", is undeniably true. The complex labyrinth of the journey to success can yield a dangerous dead end. Through the French Revolution and a personal observation during AP Test season, it is apparent that success can be disastrous.</p>
<p>i can see the readers giving it anywhere from a 10-12, depending on how many essays they've read before yours or if they read just an outstanding, award-winning essay right before yours</p>
<p>anything below a 10 on this essay, and i'd severely question the competency of the readers</p>
<p>For a timed writing, this essay is fairly good. The content of your argument is strong; you cite two examples that support your argument well. In my opinion, formulating a compelling argument is the hardest part of writing these essays, because the subject matter is intentionally bland and unspecific. So good job in overcoming that first obstacle. However, your essay contains several stylistic errors. Fixing these problems will greatly enhance the effectiveness of this essay.
First, this essay contains a lot of unnecessary vocabulary. For example, "complex labyrinth" is redundant; a labyrinth is by its nature complex. Puzzles are almost always complicated as well, so a "complicated puzzle" is simply a redundant way to say that something is unpredictable or difficult to master. Also, it's not readily apparent as to why the group is unequivocal. This seems like a misuse of the word unequivocal, which means clear or unquestionable. Vocabulary should not be used indiscriminately. Always use a simpler word if it doesn't sacrifice precision of meaning.
Your thesis statement could use some work. You said "like the success of the French Revolution and the success of a friend of mine during AP Test season" in your thesis statement to show how your argument would be structured. It is important to give the reader an idea of how you are organizing your writing, and you did. However, at higher levels of writing it is unnecessary to be so specific about your organization. A stronger thesis statement would have been "My historical and personal observations illustrate that the ramifications of success can be disastrous." This sentence is more concise and still gives the reader an idea, without going into specifics, of how the essay will be structured.
On a grammatical note, the sentence "in my life, I have observed many people, including a close friend of mine, proved that success can be disastrous" makes no sense. In my life is redundant, as any personal experience you have will be "in your life." And your verb (proved) is in the past tense rather than the present tense as it should be.</p>
<p>I received an 8 on my essay, and a 730 on the section. I answered two questions incorrectly, so my essay probably brought me down about 60 points. Comparing your essay with mine, I would say a 10-12 is an unrealistic number. The grammatical mistakes alone would disqualify this piece from such a high score. The people grading these essays are trained to see through the superfluous vocabulary you used.</p>
<p>bwm814- about the unnecessary vocabulary, I end up doing that unintentionally while I write, so I'll try to fix that (: and for the use of "unquivocal", I realized I used that wrong :/ I was looking for a word that meant undivided. Oops :/ And I also agree about my thesis. I will definitely structure my future ones like that (: And I used "in my life" to introduce the fact that I'm going into a personal observation from the historical example. What's a better way to introduce that? And then the word "proved" was a typo. It was written as "prove" on the real, written essay. Thanks for your input (: Do you have like a number score for me? Having some vocabulary usage errors isn't going to drop me from a 10 to like a 7.</p>
<p>danny411- thanks (: I agree that the examples should be in the other order. When I was writing, it didn't come out that way though. Haha. I true to include the French Revolution as a point in all my essays if it fits :P</p>
<p>I honestly couldn't give you an exact number. Nobody can. The SAT definitely looks for something different than what would generally be considered "good writing." I go to a very good school with a heavy emphasis on writing, yet I perform poorly on the essay portion. So I could judge your essay on my standards, but not the standards of the SATs. Style is not weighted as heavily by the SAT, or at least that seems to be true. More emphasis is placed on content and clarity of organization, two areas you are strong in. I guess the short of it is that you don't need to be a brilliant writer to get a decent score. You need to be clear about what argument you are making, and you need to back that argument up with plenty of evidence. I think you did that, so shoot for a ten. If you get a ten and know your grammar, you're going to get a score in the 700 range.</p>