Grade my essay please!

<p>New BB Topic 4: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better? </p>

<p>BTW: I filled up all the pages :) </p>

<p>A platitudinous saying is, "Change is the force that drives the human condition." Indeed, change is the paramount component of human nature and is what truly makes us unique as an individual species when compared to other species. However, change meant to assuage and mollify the troubles in our lives can either benefit us or it can have a deleterious effect. Change that is opposed to make out lives better does not necessarily make it better as it can harm individuals, harm a society by returning to the original condition, or harm a society by harming the future as exemplified through literature and history.
Change that has a deleterious effect on an individual's rapport is exemplified through Flowers for Algernon. In this novel, a mentally retarded young man is offered the opportunity of a lifetime when he is allowed to have surgery that changes him into a genius. He isolates everyone around him and feels despondent and lonely due to his high IQ. The change with his intelligence inadvertently lead to a change with his character for the worse, which then lead people disinclined to associate with the man, thus having the antipodal effect intended.
Change can also have an unintended harmful effect on a society by returning to original conditions as exemplified through Brave New World. In this novel, the protagonist is trying to find out a way to revel against the dystopian society that has been instated after being changed from the regular society. Through his interpersonal relationships, we find out that everyone in the society is required to take a drug known as soma, which has malignant effects on the health and is known to cause early deaths. This effect is different from the past society as more people were saved due to investment in research and trying to ascertain cures for diseases. Similarly, the society has tried to eliminate class conflicts in order to evade war, however,. classes such as alpha and beta have spring up and babies are classified into these societies since Day 1. Thus, both of these examples from the novel exemplify that change which can often be used to better society ends up returning to past conditions.
Another example of change having a grave consequence for a society for the future is the Green Revolution. This was a revolution in agricultural technology intended to better the export conditions for developing countries. Through the use of such technologies, countries were able to make money and feed its people at the expense of the environment. The amount of fertilizers and genetic experimentation has damaged the environment by polluting and depleting the soil of nutrients. In short term, it has lead to some gains but in the long term, it is a bad policy as it leads to a future without food for these countries. Thus, even though change can help society, the future has been greatly effected.
Thus, change that is intended to mitigate life actually makes it worse as it can affect individuals personally, eventually return to original condition, or harm the future. Change might be the soul of mankind, yet the harms that arise from change, like pollution, often outweigh the benefits. </p>

<p>Lots of inconsistencies, IMO, either 10-11. Your thoughts?</p>

<p>In your first body paragraph, you do not state how the man’s increased intelligence made his life easier. It cannot be implied; you must state it and tie it into your discussion. You have to make your argument clear and strong. It seems like you just stated the plot of the story and wanted it speak for itself. It does not work that way. You have to demonstrate your logic (OK–something good led to something bad–what is your point?), not just talk about plots, characters, and details that are only somewhat related to your stance.</p>

<p>Your argument improves in your second body paragraph because you state that attempts to make our lives easier have led to bad circumstances. </p>

<p>I didn’t really bother reading your essay as a whole (sorry), but I think you could get anywhere from 10-12 on this simply because it is complete and decent. It is not perfect in argument, but I don’t think the graders of the SAT are as picky as I am. It may help to consider spending less time focusing on vocabulary (it is just my assumption that you spend time on it: it could very well just be natural to you) and more time focusing on the development of your thesis.</p>

<p>Nice advice- thanks, I kind of thought they would get it from the lpot summary. I’ll be more careful next time thanks!</p>