Can you please score my essay?

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1

<p>I just took a practice test and can someone score it so I can find out what I got? Thanks!</p>

<p>Can you please grade my essay? Thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>Although change and innovation in our society are widely seen as improving the live's(...) of our people, they do not necessarily do so. Many developments have eased the burden of work on ourselves and have allowed for easier lives. While these developments have in fact eased our lives, they do not always improve our lives.</p>

<p>In the novel Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, the underlying message warns society about how civilization will degenerate into a system where everyone will be provided for yet those in a lower caste are subjected to manual labor. Huxley shows readers the improvements from the system; there is no longer starvation, war, or sickness. Despite these improvements, Huxley then shows readers the terrible consequences accompanying the benefits; those in lower castes are purposely dulled and must endure through endless propaganda. Through these means, lower caste members are controlled by the Alphas to do work. These terrible injustices demonstrate how these changes have eased the lives of some, but have not improved them on a social level. Huxley shows us how these changes have brought dystopia upon the world and have done little to improve the lives of all.</p>

<p>Addittionally(...), the invention of machinery and the beginning of the Industrial Revolution have also brought ease to our lives but not improvement for our environment. With the tools that were created, one now is required to do less labor than previously needed. Each person has more food readily available. However, these machines have caused severe pollution of our planet. Although the severity is not threatening or apparant(...) yet, pollution has the capability of rendering our planet unlivable, a toxic wasteland devoid of life.(sentence fragment) While these changes have eased our lives, they have not improved the condition of the Earth, which is vital to our survival.</p>

<p>In the novel Great Expectations, Pip is to be provided for to become a gentleman. He suspects that this will be a great thing for his life, although it is not quite so. While Pip has possessions, he feels he has not achieved happiness, showing only a materialistic improvement. Pip desires the reconciliation with his friend, Joe Gargery, and the love of Estella Havisham. Fortunately, it is not the advent of Pip's becoming a gentleman but his true self that is able to bring about these desires. Although his life was made easier, Pip experienced only a materialistic improvement upon becoming a gentleman.</p>

<p>I used 25:00 minutes of time.</p>

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<p>IT is really well worded and organized, I almost didn’t understand your point on the first two examples, but looking at it now this is a really good essay and takes 3 different approaches to the question, supporting the same viewpoint with each it is really good unless you get a dumb grader who thinks your first two paragraphs are off topic. 11? idk I guess only improvement is those few grammar mistakes (which isn’t a big part of grading, I think) and to add a simpler explanation of your ideas maybe one sentence summation? for the first two not improved on social level? responsibility, guilt, spiritual peace social connection? the distopia only made upper class lives easier, so are you referring to them</p>

3

<p>I agree that it’s really organized. Nice flow as well.</p>

<p>however, you have a few grammar mistakes.</p>

<p>you also need a conclusion that sums everything up and relates the topic to present day (well not necessarily relating to present day).</p>

<p>the content is great, though, and i would give this a 10 for not having any conclusion and for the few grammar mistakes</p>

4

<p>It’s a good essay – very much on topic with good exposition and conclusions.</p>

<p>You can improve it, and also gain more time to complete it, by shortening the second paragraph on Brave New World. The next to last sentence in the paragraph and one or two clauses in previous sentences can be dropped.</p>

<p>Since you choose to use books (second and fourth paragraph) as the main instrument for addressing the essay topic, my sense is that your essay would be stronger if you didn’t mix the industrialization example (third paragraph) with those taken from literature. You may have been able to address the same point by choosing a book such as Silent Spring or some other.</p>

<p>In the first paragraph (especially if you choose books as the basis of your examples) you may want to add a sentence to that effect, something like “this is a common theme in contemporary fiction/non-fiction.”</p>

<p>Some of the grammar errors are distracting --e.g. “live’s”, as are some of your choice of words – e.g. “eased”, “great thing”.</p>