Grade my Essay (UPDATED SEPTEMBER 2015 FORMAT)

Test Preparation ACT Preparation
1

Hi everyone,
I am taking the ACT test on September 12.
I took a practice test from the ‘Preparing for the ACT 2015-16’ booklet:
www.act.org/aap/pdf/Preparing-for-the-ACT.pdf
I also did the writing section and need someone to grade my essay.
I found it very hard actually.

Prompt: How to balance between freedom and health? (The prompt is big and includes three perspectives so please download the ACT booklet)

Essay:
In today’s world, balancing freedom and health is an arcane task. Prohibiting smoking for the sake of the health of others, for example, restricts the freedom of smokers. People also argue that in order to reduce pollution and its pernicious health risks, people’s freedom to drive is restricted. However, one aspect is clearly more important. Proponents who are concerned about the freedom of the smokers and drivers fail to realize that the right to avoid health risks is a freedom too.
The question is not how society can balance these two aspects, but rather which one is more important. When smoking is prohibited, the smokers’ freedom is restricted;likewise, the right to avoid health risks is restricted when smoking is allowed. In both cases, the freedom of one party is suppressed.
Although freedom is suppressed in both cases, society must choose between the two scenarios. Society must chose the scenario that benefits the greater good for a greater number of people. Thus, the scenarios in which the right to avoid health risks is exercised should be prevalent. This is in agreement with perspective one, which states that freedom must be restricted when the freedom of an individual interferes with the goal to strive towards the greater good.
Perspective two states that the well being of a free society is too great to justify the restriction of individual freedom for the sake of better health. However, proponents of this point of view forget that the right to avoid health risks is also a freedom. And as stated by perspective three, if this right is restricted for the individual freedom of others, then society has damaged both freedom and health.
Furthermore, the freedom of the individual is short-lived. And although it is short-lived, it manages to endanger the well being of other people. For example, smokers who have the right to smoke anywhere will most likely die sooner since they suffer from the harmful effects of tobacco. They not only injure themselves, but also others in the process. Statistics show that for every 8 people who die from smoking, 1 non-smoking person dies from the effects of second-hand smoking.
In conclusion, society must strive to achieve the greatest good for the greatest number of people and stop the interference of individual freedom in the process.

Can you also tell me what areas to improve in?

Thank You

2

Here is my corrected version of your essay. You write in the passive voice. I corrected this.
Other wise, just a few minor revisions. Good job.

In today’s world, balancing freedom and health is an arcane task. Prohibiting smoking for the sake of the health of others, for example, restricts the freedom of smokers. People also argue that to reduce pollution and its pernicious health risks, people’s freedom to drive is restricted. However, one aspect is clearly more important. What proponents of smoker’s rights fail to realize is that smoking is life-threatening for others.

The question is not how society can balance these two aspects, but rather which one is more important. Prohibiting smoking restricts freedom. Likewise, the right to avoid health risks is restricted when smoking is allowed. In both cases, the freedom of one party is suppressed.

Society must choose between the two scenarios. Society must choose the scenario that benefits the greater good for a greater number of people. The right to avoid health risks should prevail, agreement with perspective one, which states that freedom must be restricted when the freedom of an individual inhibits with the greater good of society.

Perspective two states that the well-being of a free society is too great to justify the restriction of individual freedom for the sake of better health. However, proponents of this point of view, ignore the very real health risks smoking in public causes for others. And as stated by perspective three, restricting individual freedoms damages both freedom and health.

Furthermore, the freedom of the individual is short-lived. And although brief, it endangers the well-being of other people. For example, smokers who have the right to smoke anywhere will most likely die sooner since they suffer from the harmful effects of tobacco. They not only injure themselves, but also others in the process. Statistics shows that for every eight people who die from smoking, one non-smoking person dies from the effects of second-hand smoking.

In conclusion, society must strive to achieve the greatest good for the greatest number of people, and restrict the unhealthy behaviors of others.

3

Thank you. What would be my score for this essay (from 1- 36)?

4

The original would have been between 24 to 26.

5

The ACT essay is scored from 2-12, not 1-36.

6

@CCuser528: As of September 2015, due to changes in the ACT Writing Portion (Essay), the new essay is graded from 1 to 36.