Grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Hey this is my first SAT essay and I just wanted an idea of where I’m at/how I can improve cause I’m pretty sure I did kinda bad.

Essay Prompt
*Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.

Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”*

Assignment
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Your Response
Privacy is an important part of lives and our culture. However, in this “internet age”, formally private matters have become the business of everyone. People should be making more of an effort to keep personal details of their life private.

For one, private details can be embarrassing, and may contain classified information. Some personal details can be a source of embarrassment for some people. Unfortunately, according to J. David Velleman “Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional”. Every bit of information about yourself is expected to be shared.

Some details may contain classified information, that if obtained by outside sources, could be dangerous. Some examples include a social security number, or a credit card number. People of this “internet age” are willing to give out their sensitive information for contests, money, etc. When this gets into the wrong hands, their identity can be stolen, or their credit cards used to make expensive purchases.

To conclude, we as a people should be making the effort to keep at least some parts of our lives private. This could make a big difference in the well being of ourselves, and bring us back to a time for the “internet age”, were we could expect some private details of our lives to stay just that: private.

2

Anybody?

3

Usually it’s best to have 3 examples.

Transition from 2nd to 3rd needs work.

2nd paragraph- sentences one and two are saying the same thing. Also the quote kind of isn’t on the same topic. The quote is on expectation while your topic sentence was about embarrassing details.

Your thesis doesn’t match the content. Remember thesis=main point+reasons why. In the following paragraphs, you would elaborate and have supporting details for the examples.

Avoid using phrases repeatedly. You used “Internet age” 3 times. Put in some advanced vocabulary

Overall, it isn’t bad for a first essay, practice, practice, practice!!

4

Thank you! Any tips or guides I should look at?

5

you need to use more examples from the outside world(literature, music, science, art, movies, etc) to support your reasoning. the essay you wrote honestly was more like an ACT essay. write down a list of books you’ve read, music you listen to, artists you know about, movies you’ve seen or whatever you’re interested in so that when the prompt is handed to you on test day, you have an idea of what you could write about. you also should expand on your examples and be more thorough. you’re on the right track, though!

6

I really like your sentence structure and style, (especially in your intro and conclusion) but as the other posters have written, your examples should be very clear and specific. Usually 2-3 examples are fine (2 very clear ones or 3 slightly-less-clear ones), but the ones you have right now are not specific enough. For each of your 2-3 body paragraphs, follow this format: “tell me” (name of example), “show me” (illustrate example/ give the reader a mental picture of the example), and “so what” (explain why this example is relevant to your thesis and any other “revelations”).