Need Grading (SAT Writing)

<p>I'm doing the College Board online SAT practice test and this was the timed writing section:</p>

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<p>Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.</p>

<p>Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"</p>

<p>Assignment:
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

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<p>My Writing:</p>

<p>Privacy is the mystery people hold to the public to create a sense of security and interest for themselves. It is what fascinates us about the personal lives of other people whom we try to grow close with. To relinquish privacy from the everyday world is a terrible fault that must be corrected.</p>

<pre><code>I know for a fact that privacy is what really makes getting up each day and interacting with other human beings that much more exciting. Without people withholding information it makes our world a library full of open books, and a book, once read, loses the thrilling appeal the second time around. Though we may enjoy these books, we may even love these books, we become bored with the text.

When privacy comes into the picture these fully exposed books seem as though pages are missing, their sequels yet to be written, and their metaphors hang in the balance to be finished with a lingering idea. The ideas of secrecy not only excites our imaginations and makes us want to pry, but it also makes the holder of such secrets feel important and secure knowing there is a part of them they hold personal.

An example of the ever-dying privacy is the social-networking giant that is Facebook. A virtual book, in a sense, of our very beings poured into text for the whole world to see. It makes us lose interest with the person in a physical sense and confine our knowledge and association with these people limited to a few minutes of reading. The lack of privacy that is Facebook allows people to associate without knowledge of it, and ultimately Facebook removes human relations that makes life wonderful.

Privacy is no doubt an essential gear in the clockwork of life. It makes each day an adventure. To not put effort into ones privacy is to say to the world, let us be boring.
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<p>id give it an 8 or 9, i have to get ready for school but ill explain why later.</p>

<p>bump. need some thoughts here please.</p>

<p>This is about an 8, I would say. Your issues:

  • You need to have a thesis that states your stance on the prompt, and which examples you’re going to use to support said stance
    -Your vocabulary is simply for the most part. Get a few more SAT words in there.
    -Your conclusion is decent, but it needs an extra sentence or two.
    -You have abstract examples for paragraphs 2 and 3. Paragraph 4 is the only solid example you have.
    -I know it may sound silly but: don’t make your essay too cheesy. You wrote, “Privacy is no doubt an essential gear in the clockwork of life.” I know you’re not being graded on that specifically, but remember your readers are people. They’ll probably not want to read a cheesy essay.</p>

<p>Thanks sillyup. yeah i agree with you on all the points you presented. Finding SAT words is going to be a stretch for me. I decided to graduate early so I lost a lot of studying time. I’ve only had the last month and a half to really get anything new down. This essay is a huge improvement over my previous writings so I think 8-9 will be what I get on the real essay tomorrow no matter what, unless the topic is something easy for me to elaborate on. Thanks for the feedback though, I always enjoy others opinions for the reassurance.</p>