This is my essay from a practice test I took… It would be great if someone could grade this on a scale of 1-12 for me!!! Thank you !!
Prompt:
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Adapted from J. David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
With modern innovations such as the cell phone and social media, society has become increasingly centered around public expression and socialization. However, when feelings and thoughts are overly revealed, they tend to become influenced by others. The pressure that surrounds individuals once they have revealed inner thoughts and beliefs can cause negative characteristics and conformity to develop. People should make an effort to keep matters private because when doing so, they are able to reflect on their thoughts without disruption and awaken new perspectives to life.
As shown by the life of famous American philosopher Henry David Thoreau, a private life can introduce benefits such as understanding society and improving the community. Thoreau purposely brought himself to a life as a hermit at Walden Pond in order to isolate himself from the community, thereby making his thoughts private and free from the influence of others. It was here that he made momentous realizations such as those in his essay "Non-Conformity." Additionally, he observed the importance of appreciating the environment, an awareness that positively impacted his community by sparking a revolution of environmentalists. Because Thoreau treated himself to a private life and kept his inner thoughts private, he was able to intensely study his fellow society and find the wrongdoings in other humans. Furthermore, Thoreau contributed to his community by revealing the vices of man and advising others not to follow a false life of materialism. Therefore, because Thoreau properly isolated himself physically and mentally into a private life, he positively changed his peers as well as himself.
Alternatively, having a very public life can cause individuals to descend into moral degradation and a life of anxiety, as shown by Jay Gatsby, the main character of The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Gatsby, having risen to fame through his immense wealth and parties, looked as though he was completely satisfied and happy with his life on the exterior. However, because Gatsby constantly expressed his feelings and thoughts, he was influenced by others to follow a lifestyle of materialistic pleasure. Thus, Gatsby never satisfied his inner feelings and caused much turmoil and confusion of his true desires to develop. This pattern eventually caused Gatsby's death, showing that overly sharing events to others can be detrimental to oneself.
Both Henry David Thoreau and Jay Gatsby, although their lives were extremely different, display the effects of leading a private life and a public life. A private life can foster positive growth and developments within oneself as well as others in a community. On the other hand, having too much of a public life can cause an individual to conform to society and never understand his or her feelings. Ultimately, keeping matters private is more beneficial to people and their peers because it promotes true thoughts and feelings that are unaffected by others.