Grade my SAT essay

<p>I'm taking the November SAT (this Saturday: uh-oh!), and I wrote a practice essay. Could someone please grade it?</p>

<p>Prompt: Are people better off when they do not listen to criticism?</p>

<p>My response:</p>

<p>The question "Are people better off when they do not listen to criticism?" has boggled the minds of great scholars throughout history. However, evidence throughout history and literature has conclusively shown that it is detrimental to not listen to and accept criticism. Those who oppose this view are dogmatic in their ideology. Evidence that supports both these claims is pervasive.</p>

<p>The story of general Kobinanguna in the mythical battle of Munackasat serves as part of the evidence to prove that people are better off when they heed criticism. General Kobinaguna was only defending his post against his adversaries instead of attacking them. However, this was proving to be a bane: the opposition's attacks were so powerful that Kobinaguna was being pushed closer to the brink of surrendering. Furthermore, Kobinanguna was heavily chastised by his superiors for his diffident, defensive moves in the battle. Having no choice, Kobinaguna chose to heed the criticism and assume a more aggressive, attacking stance in the war. This crucial choice proved to be the tipping point: immediately after choosing to listen to and accept criticism, Kobinaguna reversed the direction of the battle, and it turnd out that he won this crucial battle. This classic story exemplifies the importance of listening to criticism; criticism is indeed very beneficial.</p>

<p>Another pervasive piece of evidence which shows the importance of listening to criticism can be found in the novel Neran Jonam. The main character, Neran, is a highly arrogant young man, always proud of all his accolades. However, his parents and peers repeatedly warn him that such an attitude can lead to great social failures. Choosing to disregard this constructive criticism, Neran continues to assume his vain disposition. It just so happens that later, Neran's attitude brought about his downfall: in a tennis tournament, he repeatedly yelled condescending remarks at his opponent, which resulted in Neran's disqualification. His prescient friend's advice and criticism, left unheeded, resulted in this catastrophe. Had Neran listened to the criticism and changed his attitude accordingly, he would have likely been better off, which would mean his winning of the tennis tournament. </p>

<p>Yet another set of evidence which epitomizes the significance of listening to criticism can be found in Arthur Miller's The Crucible. Reverend Parris, a minister, is primarily concerned about society's perception of him. He then proceeds to perpetrate the Salem witch trials in order to make his abode free of such activities. However, as the trials progress, the more important and influential citizens of Salem head to the scaffold to be executed. Criticism now falls heavily upon Parris and the proponents of the trials. However, to protect his image, Parris ignores the criticisms. This results in his exile from Salem. Had Parris listened to the criticism, he would have likely had his job, and been better off. Hence, it is beneficial to heed criticism and advice.</p>

<p>The above examples are highly pervasive in proving that criticism is a benefactor to all people in the world.</p>

<p>COMMENTARY:</p>

<p>The first two examples are fake. I made up random words on the spot and created stories to match the prompt. </p>

<p>I went for quantity rather than quality; I'm under the impression that this technique is crucial to scoring higher on the essay.</p>

<p>Please rate/comment!</p>

<p>-if evidence shown throughout history conclusively shows 1 thing, then why would it boggle the minds of <great scholars="">? </great></p>

<p>-“those who…are dogmatic in their ideology” = dogmatist
“reverend Paris, a minister”
“then proceeds”
thres a lot more filler/redundancy but u get the idea</p>

<p>i understand your trying to fill space to make it seem like you can write 1.5+pg, but do that in your fake examples by giving good supporting details and then bringing it back to your core example/thesis. </p>

<p>-you’re trying to use sat vocab at EVERY turn. you’re doing this by changing your essay to fit vocab. this sounds terrible and leads to awkwardness/misuse. instead, place vocab where it fits.</p>

<p>-grammar errors just try to minimize. </p>

<p>-you use the word pervasive 3 or 4 times, but only use it correctly once. . “examples are highly pervasive in proving” “piece of pervasive evidence”. ik you read a guide that probably told u 2 use that word, which is fine (esp in intro). the problem is when you aren’t using it correctly. </p>

<p>-try not to be blatantly fake in your examples.
you kept on going back and forth with the fake name of general
names sound reallllllly artificial. this may offend the reader at some lvl which is never good, so instead just spend an extra 3 seconds to come up w a good name.</p>

<p>-the conclusion shouldnt be 1 sentence. go for 2-3 </p>

<p>-conclusion shouldnt be “the above examples demonstrate that heeding advice is beneficial”. conclusion is v important part. instead try to sum up the overall message of ur body paragraphs then say how they relate to your thesis (try to relate using diff language then you did b4)</p>

<p>8-9</p>

<p>So basically fewer words but with better placement?</p>

<p>I agree that I tried waayyyy too hard to use big words now that I look back… </p>

<p>Thanks for the helpful comments though :)</p>