Critique and feedback for my essay please? :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Hi everybody :)</p>

<p>For the October SAT, I guess I did not prepare as well as I thought I had because I earned an 8. I am considered a good writer but I just reread my essay and I don't blame them for giving me a low score...in fact I felt so embarassed about my essay that I wasn't going to post it here. BUT I decided that it's better to get some more feedback from different people so that I can score higher next time and become a more polished writer.</p>

<p>PROMPT; Are people better off if they do not listen to criticism? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>ESSAY:
There are so many people in the world with a myriad of varying opinions, so it is virtually impossible for one to please everybody; therefore, one is inevitably always subject to critism. As demonstrated by several acclaimed people in different fields of our society, one may be better off by not being dependent on criticism.</p>

<p>Dr. Seuss is a prominent children’s author who is loved by many. His books are best sellers and his most famous book, “The Cat in the Hat” [I DID NOT UNDERLINE -___-] was made into a sucecssful movie. However, he was not well-received at first. His first book that he anticipated to get published, “And to Think I Saw it on Mulberry Street”, [I UNDERLINED THIS THOUGH] was initially rejected by twenty-seven publishers. The criticism was negative and people disliked his creativity. This led Dr. Seuss to seriously consider burnign the manuscript. If he had listened to the opinions of others and had changed his style or had chosen a different career path, he would never have become one of the most original and loved writers of all that he is today.</p>

<p>Walter Disney is yet another example of a person who did not listen to the criticism of others and instead continued to pursue what he believed in. His most famous animated character, Mickey Mouse, was disparaged by many critics. They insisted that women would be absolutely disgusted at a giant talking mouse. They coldly dismissed Walt Disney’s suggestions, telling him that he had no good ideas. Unshaken, Disney continued to develop his characters although he was discouraged. As a result, he has not only become extremely wealthy and famous, he has also created numerous magical characters that has won the hearts of many, regardless of age and sex.</p>

<p>A further example about a figure who has become more successful by not yielding to criticism is the Canadian painter Emily Carr. She had always been perceived as eccentric, so she was not accepted well by those around her. She received inspiration from the Native American art and subjects, and she ahd a great imagination. Her artistic style is strikingly unique – it is at once dreamlike but realistic. Especially as a woman, her profession and style was unconventional, therefore people were not afraid to throw discouraging comments at her. She ignored their opinions and continued to do what she liked. Now she is a respected painter whose style is adored by many.</p>

<p>Construction criticism can be very helpful at times, but one may actually benefit more from backing away from it rather than obeying it. Dr. Seuss, Walter Disney, and Emily Carr have proved clearly that one may have more to gain by believing in oneself and shielding oneself form what others have to say.</p>

<p>PERSONAL REFLECTIONS:
-I spelled criticism wrong :P
-obvious grammar mistakes
-perhaps I should have listed a VARIETY of examples? Such as one from literature, one from history, etc? Or is this fine? I'd like to get some opinions on this.
-perhaps I should have included more of my writing style into it rather than trying to hard to fit as much facts as I could remember?</p>

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<p>I think your essay is pretty well-done, at least better than mine…
I can’t figure out why you got 8, are you an international student?
I am international so maybe the score standards are different</p>

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<p>Yes, I am also an international student. What did you receive? And thanks, I’m glad you think so. But I figure there must be some reasons why I received an 8 because both graders gave me a 4 haha :P</p>

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<p>I agree that this is a very good essay, for one written under the conditions of the SAT test. I would definitely have rated it higher than 8.</p>

<p>Since you are looking for suggestions that could increase your score next time, though, here are a few:</p>

<p>1) If you can avoid the use of “many,” do avoid it. Generally, it weakens your statements. Similarly, a concrete word is often better than “several.”</p>

<p>2) Avoid listing adjectives in sequence, unless that really adds something to your statement. Your use of “inevitably always” in the introduction is likely to cause the reader to take your score down a notch or two. If something is truly inevitable, then it does always happen, so both words are not needed.</p>

<p>3) Your examples come from the arts (literature, film, painting). This is fine, if you cannot think of an example in engineering or medicine, off-hand. However, when you introduce them as “different” fields, the reader might expect more variety. Again, a concrete word choice, rather than “different,” might serve you better.</p>

<p>4) In the last few minutes of the allotted time, check your word choice for precision. When you wrote about Dr. Seuss “people disliked his creativity,” this might have caused your readers to question the word choice. It might have been Suess’s particular style or his irreverence that they disliked, rather than his creativity. Also, while I am a great fan of “And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street,” Suess takes a very dismissive attitude toward women in that particular piece. (I believe that it includes the line: “Why even Sue could think of that!”). Probably about 60% of the essay readers are female. You can accidentally fall into the trap of citing something approvingly, when the readers may dislike it for reasons that you do not know. </p>

<p>5) Be careful with modifying phrases. For example, when you write “Especially as a woman, her profession and style [were] unconventional,” the word “woman” is in apposition with “profession and style,” neither of which is female.</p>

<p>6) I know that the SAT graders are not supposed to take errors of fact into account, but Mickey is a small talking mouse, not a giant one! Along more serious lines, Walt Disney died in 1966. Your use of “he has become” would be correct if he were still alive. This is a case where an error of fact could masquerade as an error in tense choice, and might cause you to be downgraded. Your reference to Walt Disney as “Walter Disney,” though totally accurate, probably identifies you as an international student, since Americans would typically write “Walt Disney,” as you did later in the essay. There may be a subconscious reluctance on the part of the essay graders to give high scores to someone they suspect is not a native English speaker.</p>

<p>7) You might avoid using “yet another” to introduce your second example. (It’s ok for the third example.) Also, the preposition with “example” should be “of,” rather than “about.” You had this right part of the time, but wrong in the section about Emily Carr.</p>

<p>Other than that, I think this is actually a quite good essay, especially given the time constraints.</p>

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<p>Thank you SO MUCH, your feedback was extremely helpful to me!</p>