Grade my SAT mock essay?

<p>Hey CCers, just wondering if any of you are willing and able to grade my practice SAT essay. If you do decide, remember you are supposed to have essentially a minute or two to read it, and expect it to be a first draft. I didn't have time to revise it so some things might seem awkward.
Prompt: Can knowledge be burdensome?
Essay:
While knowledge may be idolized, and seem useful in many situations, ultimately knowledge is burdensome—burying those that have it in an amalgam of trivialities and useless information. This idea is seen in Shakespeare's "Hamlet," and personal experience.</p>

<p>"Hamlet," a seventeenth century tragedy written by playwright William Shakespeare details the story of the young Prince Hamlet. Hamlet needs to kill his uncle, King Claudius, to avenge his father's death, but is constantly disillusioned from his own assassination attempts. After watching a play Hamlet realizes that in his inaction, he has yet to satisfy his dead father's wishes. Hamlet devizes a plan to kill the king, but then casts doubt into his own mind. Hamlet wishes he had not been so intelligent, so he could act "mindlessly." But his outstretching knowledge burdens him in his doubts, and he becomes unable to act. Shakespeare's "Hamlet" clearly shows the ramifications of being an intellectual.</p>

<p>In addition to "Hamlet," my own personal experience shows how knowledge can be burdensome. During the events following September eleventh I was completely in the dark of what was happening. My parents stopped taking me to the mall or inner-city areas, while I was left begging the question: why? My parents knew that another terrorist attack would be likely and for them, that thought was extremely burdensome. I on the other hand, blithely continued my actions in some state of pseudo ignorance. I knew something happened but as a seven year old, the threat was impalpable. Eventually the media storm died down, and I finally, truly understood what had happened. But in my lack of knowledge I was safe, cocooned from the truths and hardships of the world. On the other hand my parents were invariably on-edge, burdened by the news. My September Eleven experience shows how knowledge is typically burdening to those who have it.</p>

<p>Shakespeare's play Hamlet, and my anecdote reveal knowledge's potential to create problems and fears. Maybe now, we can say that the "ignorance is bliss" platitude may actually hold some merit.
FIN</p>

<p>By the way this essay is actually 2 pages long, hand-written. And a rating out of 12 would be much appreciated.
Thanks!</p>

<p>I give it a 7 or 8. You have some comma issues, your transitions are abrupt, and when you stretch for vocab you misuse words (“amalgam”).</p>

<p>How is amalgam misused? Just want to know.</p>

<p>9-10 at best. “After watching a play Hamlet realizes that in his inaction, he has yet to satisfy his dead father’s wishes. Hamlet devizes a plan to kill the king, but then casts doubt into his own mind”. This sentences kind of diverge from the main point of the prompt, and it’s pointless but is these just to take up space. The sentence basically indicates the author’s intention and has nothing to do with the thesis.</p>

<p>Remember the key to writing an effective essay, in 25 minutes, is to keep it simple.</p>

<p>Thanks Achillean98!</p>

<p>i give it a 13/12 :)</p>

<p>Amazing essay…way better than mine!!
12/12</p>