So. . .I have always envisioned that my children would attend boarding school. My son is in 7th and we are doing previews this year . . Today we saw a lovely school (The Gunnery) and I suddenly was hit with feeling I will miss him too much. I am not doubting our decision and this is not going to change the plan. My question is . . will this get better? (p.s. I think part of the problem was that while it is a 1 h 15 minute drive from our house which sounds like a breeze it was pure torture as the road is very windy and slow. I was thinking it would be dreadful in the snow and the idea that he would be “close” started to change. Again–that being said–we are not changing our plan. This is about what is right for him not how I might feel when he goes . .
Yes, it will get better. We will be here for you to commiserate :(( and we will get a puppy once we can afford dog food. I thought that the Gunnery was lovely with Swiss chalet like building and all.
Time for some chocolate and Thanksgiving left over wine. 
Kids change a lot between 7th and 8th grade (and then 9th!). Going through the process helps a lot because everyone has time to visit schools, talk about options, then consider final decision. Boarding school has been fantastic for DS1. He is about an hour away (except during rush hour!). An hour plus is not that bad and even last year in the snowiest winter in 100+ years wasn’t too bad for us. We planned so he didn’t go back during predicted snow storms.
Also planning on getting a dog! My daughter is in college so it will be empty nest. Thanks for the support. We have 6 more schools to see and many are farther but on better roads!
@sadieshadow: I’ve given this a lot of thought:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/17638250#Comment_17638250
and although I like to say that it does get better, if I’m honest with myself, it really doesn’t or, at least, it hasn’t for me. We have an unusually independent kid who never put us through any angst with homesickness or trouble adjusting to BS. He soared from day one. That first year, we were just mesmerized by the newness of the BS world and watching the incredible things he was doing. I really didn’t miss him much that first year because I was so in awe of what he was experiencing, and he was so happy. But, his absence hit me like a ton of bricks that second year for the reasons I described in that link, and it’s gotten a bit worse for me every year. We lost our only child to a distant life at 14; he never really came back.
When he chose the military for college, I was devasted. He’s gone. Really gone. I wonder if I had known where we’d be now, if I wouldn’t have kept him close a while longer. Until the army got him, I would have said as I said in that old thread that we’d do it again; after all, it’s about him not us, but now I’m not so sure. I guess it’s best that we can’t know the future. Our son is living his heart’s desire, but my heart is just broken. I did not have him long enough.
There is an incredible support team here, though. You’ve come to the right place. You will have days when you miss your child viscerally. You can count on that. You can also count on the many others who’ve gone before you to lend their virtual shoulders and help you focus on the reasons you allowed your son to leave. That will help you keep your perspective but, I will tell you, it won’t repair the hole in your heart. Steel yourself for that.
Any parent thinking rosy thoughts about boarding school should read those old posts by ChoatieMom. She speaketh the truth. But it is great for the kids…that’s all that keeps me going.
We all live “gone” individually. ChoatieMom is right about an absence the perforates the heart. How much it hurts will vary widely. Over the last several years, she and others have become a “real” presence in my life, even as the children achieve their independent distance. I feel a bit broken up for CMom right now.
I suspect that had our son remained at home, we would have lost quite a bit of the young man that we currently have. He is more affectionate right now than I can possibly imagine if all the familiarity and disciplining of his being here had occurred instead. Truth be told, I wanted all those other “parents” at the BS giving him different models by which to compare us, and to touch him with their own best traits. He’s a much better person for it.
The prospect that in ten days time, a favorable admission will put our boy on the path to being about 300 further miles away in the fall – that’s disturbing. How could the college community ever be the second family for us parents that BS has become? Especially, we will see him much less often. As others have said, that loss is much harder on us than on the kid, whose problems are of a different sort, or so I believe.
If we had it to do over again, however, I could not see any other preferable course. ~O)
Thank you for sharing. I woke up this morning remembering what the alternative is for my son and my family. Even as a day student, a 14 year-old in our community “leaves” as the peer culture starts to become of greater importance which is a natural progression. The academic and social pressures in our community would not in my opinion offer my son what he deserves as an intelligent, kind, wholesome, bright-eyed young man. I will however think closely about whether finding a school that allows us to see his games and performances would be possible. That could be nice for him and for us . . . I won’t focus on that however until 2017 when he can choose from the schools that chose him. It makes no sense to obsess over that now when he doesn’t know what his options will be!
Although I was much older when I “left” home, I realized that I had left home then, only after several years.
The feeling was overwhelming. No more childhood to go back to.
My parents probably didn’t realize what was happening then either.
I believe that was the best thing that happened and it made all the differences. I am grateful to all the sacrifices my parents made but it is still incredibly sad.
Like some people, I don’t like airports. It means leaving, saying byes.
Call your parents (if you are able to.)
Yes it will get better for sure. Is your son eager to be there? Does he also agree strongly on the idea of going to a boarding school? These are the fundamental questions to be raised before finally deciding to apply. It may be difficult for a teenager to have his/her own stance yet. If your son says he likes to go, it may be a superficial opinion and you never know if he really enjoys being there once he is there. So, it is always better to visit as many schools before finally deciding to apply. Good luck!
I dreaded my son leaving and it has been just as hard as I thought it would be. I miss him every day and it hasn’t gotten any easier at all. It was so painful again when he left after Thanksgiving.
I consider BS to be a huge sacrifice for our family – for his siblings and for his parents and for our family life. There is a piece missing when he is gone. He’s at BS because he wants to be there, because there are no other good options for him locally, and because his own life goals will be better developed by BS. I try to remember that he is happy and thriving and allow that to help me. I also remember that I don’t get to keep my children generally – their job is to find their own way and make a life for themselves that makes them happy and contributes to the world. He’s doing that for himself. While I feel “cheated” out of four years with him, he is just developing his own life and pursuing his own goals and dreams.
As both a BS grad and a BS parent, I agree with Choatiemom and others -it doesn’t really get easier, and I am finding my daughter’s senior year even more lonely than her sophomore year (her first at BS) because the reality is sinking in - she is not ever coming home. Ever. She is unbelievably happy at her school which turned out to be a perfect fit, but it didn’t start out that rosy; my stoic daughter was crying to come home over Thanksgiving break and it was all I could do to tell her she needed to stick it out for the rest of the year. I ended up paying the deposit in Feb and just crossing our fingers that it was the right thing to do. Within a few weeks, she was happier than I had ever seen her and that has remained the case. Now I wonder if she will be able to find a college where she is as happy as she is at her BS. They have a tough act to follow. She has had amazing support from the adults in her life at school. We are not missed much! And she has developed into an entirely different - and wonderful - young adult than I believe she would or could have become at home.
She has a performance this weekend as well as exams and a game, and we have been debating whether or not to go see her show. It is a nearly 4 hour drive one way and she will not have time for dinner or anything. Now, as a result of this thread, I think we will make the trip. It has been very hard having college decisions, proms, games (ex: She had first game of the season on Saturday, so I texted her “Did you have a game today?” and got back “Yeah.” and then I knew they had lost. ( : All those little things you look forward to sharing with your high schooler happen without us. I want to be there and bring her some ramen and chocolate and flowers to get her through the next week when several more of her college decisions come through - during exams of course. I will be home by then, checking the BS thread to get some virtual hugs.
No doubt, you and ChimneyDaughter will be VERY glad you came to see her performance! I’m making a similar trip next weekend for the same reason… though my drive is a lot shorter than yours. Mine won’t have time for dinner with me either. 
Christmas break is just around the corner, though! 
Hope you have a great trip!
I am so happy (chemmchimney) you will make the long trek to see her if you can. I have some thoughts re the wistfulness re. time lost with our children. We might be imagining what it would have been to have this child (the one who we see growing up so well) home with us. And yet, it would not have been the same child! Having lived four very difficult (for her and and for us) years with my other child I personally don’t think I will romanticize what it might be like having a teenager go through high school living at home. The truth is, we always only know what we lived not what might have been.
It was a big adjustment for me but has gotten much easier, especially since DD is happy and thriving at BS.
This might help…http://www.lifedaily.com/uber-now-delivers-puppies-straight-to-your-door/
Anyone in the Uber Puppy Zone? 
I thought I was ready. I went to BS, it changed my life, college couldn’t compare to the experiences I had at BS. Kiddo went to sleep-away camp at age 7; he was an exchange student living with a family for 3 months in Spain his 8th grade year; he hiked the Camino in Spain for several weeks last year. He has always been a very independent kid who embraced new adventures. I had no doubt this would be the best thing for him. With all that water under my bridge, I was stunned how completely wracked I was as I kissed him good bye and he turned and walked away from us and alone to the gym for the beginning of orientation. From our vantage point on the student center patio, I could watch him walk on the path below us the whole way… several excruciating minutes. The urge to yell, “stop, wait, come back”, was almost overwhelming.
Four months into this grand adventure, I am keenly aware that when he is home, he is just visiting. His life, his friends and “adults”, his inside jokes and favorite meals, are 2 hours away now. That’s how it was with me, and it gives me amazing insight into the incredible sacrifice my mom made when she let me go (I’m an only child).
I love that he is thriving - although his grades are mediocre at best - it truly is best for him. We had to ride him so very hard to do everything here at home, and I can see that our relationship has changed for the better. With all the changes it has brought to our lives (with him and apart from him), I still would do it again. I do wish I had known how hard it was going to be. I thought we were ready; he was, but I certainly was not.
Big hugs to you and all parents preparing to make this journey.
@sadieshadow - true! I have a high schooler at home as well who needs extra support, and it certainly is easier to focus on her now that I am not driving her big sister all over the mid-Atlantic every weekend, but I still miss the one who is absent, even if I am not necessarily missing out on the whole teen at home experience. 
We have always had a crowd of teens at our house regardless. Both girls travel in packs.
@sadieshadow - I love The Gunnery and Litchfield County! Just think… after you drop him off after a weekend or vacation… you can pick up a coffee at Marty’s and wander around the Green… maybe pick up a delicious cookie at The Pantry for the ride home… or head over to New Preston and walk around the beautiful village followed by a drive around beautiful Lake Waramaug… ( where the original Friday the 13th was filmed - spooky, right ? ) Gunnery is also the host for the Founders Day Regatta… which is held in May- talk about a fun-filled action packed day surrounded by unsurpassed beauty. … Good times.
I’m actually dying right now and want a do over… ( @ChoatieMom- Help me. )
It’s God’s Country Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Don’t feel sad! Life as a Litchfield County BS parent has a lot of perks! Plus- you’re an hour and a half away! That’s awesome!! Subscribe to the local paper and look for groovy things ( book signings at Hickory Stick Bookshop, fairs, Art Shows, etc. ) to do with or without your child and embrace the area!
I’m totally jealous right now.
The Gunnery doesn’t get much airtime here… but it should. It’s a fantastic school. Your child will receive a fabulous education there and he’ll be surrounded by beauty and amazing people- everyday. It’s a very special place.
All the best to you and your son… an amazing future awaits if you choose this school.
PS - Have you looked at any JBSs? ( I know- you’re sad about him leaving in 2 years and I’m suggesting right now… but ! ) Rumsey Hall and Indian Mountain are in the area and both are excellent. That is- if you want to go that route before SS. Just a suggestion if JBS wasn’t on your radar. Good luck
White Flower Farm is also in Litchfield :bz
Thanks PhotographerMom. As you know (with a 7th grader) we are early in the process. I am happy that so far we have liked both schools we visited. We have Berkshire, Pomfret, Tabor Academy, Blair, Millbrook and St. Andrews on our list. I am excited to see them all!