<p>There is more to this story. Something is going on with this girl and it concerns me that she is withdrawing slowly from everything. She had to have shown something that got her into Harvard in the first place. They don’t just let in anyone and you have to show some kind of ooomph or passion or something special. So she had that in 12th grade. Then she went there and something changed to the point where she decided she didn’t want to be amongst her classmates - a huge benefit to being at that school. Now since she did move off campus she got more disenfranchised and withdrew. Now the trip to Sweden. What will change that will make her more ready to tackle the academics in the fall?<br>
I hate to ask this, did something traumatic happen to her freshmen year? Did you feel like she was ready for college when she went? I always hear from kids there - it’s hard to get in, but once you’re in they will make sure you graduate. So she isn’t taking advantage of the resources they have there and she clearly has issues with acclimating.
To me it would be no big whoop if it wasn’t the school for her. Or if she wanted to leave for a compelling reason. But to hang out in another country for a few months? Before she left I would make sure she was contemplating what she really wanted come fall and be prepared to either get a job or choose a new school.</p>
<p>I’m behind on the saga.
Did FM report how the Christmas visit of the Swede bf worked out for the d and FM clan?
I’m guessing it went well for the d.</p>
<p>I think mom has said that her daughter is young for her age, which made the attraction to the teen boyfriend not so unusual.</p>
<p>In that case, a year off before college ( & isn’t that something H recommends?)may have been a good idea- but that is still something she could do. However I wouldn’t recommend Sweden, but something like CityYear, through which can acquire skills outside her academic strengths.</p>
<p>Just something else to consider. I do KNOW know about Harvard’s course sequences or the courses this student is taking. BUT this is the second term of the year. If she is dropped courses that were the second ones in a sequence, she may find that returning fall term will not work in terms of course sequence. That would bump her up to returning for the spring term a year from now. </p>
<p>And just for the record…she is now NOT in the running to “graduate” on time with the class she enrolled with…unless she does some serious make up work…during subsequent summers.</p>
<p>I agree with those who said this has been a pattern continuing since she first started school. IIRC, she had trouble fitting in, finding /making friends and in general didn’t seem to find her niche. It sounds like she is chasing butterflies and would benefit from getting help finding direction. Ity sounds like she has been unhappy and is pursuing happiness. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But I also agree that Harvard seems like it has been a bad fit from the get-go, and this may be more than a “semester off”.</p>
<p>Too late to edit my above post…</p>
<p>I do NOT know about Harvard’s course sequences. BUT this is a question that I would have wanted answered BEFORE the decision to drop a whole semester was made. Too late for the OP…but maybe something for others to consider.</p>
<p>Hold on a second here.</p>
<p>First, there seems to be a lot of “H-Bomb anxiety” on this thread and I can’t figure out why. What I mean is, if FauxMaven’s child was at the University of West Florida or Randolph College would you all be so quick to think this was a bad idea? And crack jokes about “scraping the college decal off the car?” Is this hostility because some of you are jealous that her daughter goes to Harvard? Or feel that she’s squandering/wasting an opportunity that some other child (maybe your’s?) would have taken full advantage of? I’m just throwing this out there.</p>
<p>To the OP: I think it is problematic that your daughter decided, three weeks into the term, that she wants to take the semester off (planning this in advance would have ben vastly superior, clearly). I don’t think there is anything wrong with any college student taking a semester off to do something interesting, engaging, what have you. In fact, in the olden days, Harvard students who wanted to study abroad largely had to “take a leave of absence,” and then re-enter post-study abroad. (This is changed now).</p>
<p>Everyone marches to their own beat. I can’t remember - is your daughter a junior or a senior?</p>
<p>That said, I don’t think you (or any good parent) can force their adult children to do anything, short of legally maneuvering them to a hospital for a serious drug or mental health problem (which it doesn’t sound like your daughter is dealing with). What you can do is manage what resources and support you make available. I don’t think there is <em>ANYTHING</em> wrong with you and your spouse putting restrictions on what support your daughter will receive if she does A or B or if she doesn’t do A or B (what have you). I think you guys will need to talk it over and decide what your plan of action is. Your daughter is then free to make her decisions and figure out how to support them, if they fall outside the boundaries of what you’ve decided you’re willing to contribute to/for.</p>
<p>(The other thing: Have you asked your daughter how she feels about graduating? There was an article in the Chronicle of Higher Education a few months ago about California public colleges starting a program to forcibly graduate some students who had enough credits to graduate but weren’t leaving after 5, 6, even 7 years. Young people can feel very anxious about leaving college, especially if they have always been a “high achiever” and they don’t see a clear post-college path to graduate school or a career. If they’re not sure what they want to do professionally, or if they’re afraid they won’t get a job/won’t be able to enter that field successfully, they may subconsciously stall graduation out of fear. Just a thought.)</p>
<p>justmytwocents…what I am saying would apply regardless of where the student was attending college.</p>
<p>justmytwocents- If you were familiar with the OPs posting history, you would know that she is very invested in the fact that her daughter is at Harvard. I’m not saying this to be insulting, it’s a fact and has been discussed elsewhere on CC. The rest of us could care less whether the kid is throwing away a Harvard semester or a Southwestern Arkansas State semester, but there has been a progression with the OP and the daughter during the Harvard time.</p>
<p>Everyone marches to their own beat. I can’t remember - is your daughter a junior or a senior?
She is a sophomore & 19.</p>
<p>No jealousy here, justmytwocents. My kid turned down Harvard. But the fact that the OP’s D is at Harvard indicates that she has great talent and potential. (And no, one does not need to attend Harvard to have great talent and potential.) She certainly doesn’t seem to be fulfilling it at Harvard. If I were the parent, I would be trying to help her figure out how to reach that potential and be a happy and successful human being. No, you can’t force an adult child to do anything, but if you have a decent relationship and decent lines of communication, and if you’re not afraid to be a parent rather than a buddy or a perpetual yes man, you can offer guidance to an adult child – and this adult child is in clearly need of guidance. Taking a hands-off position, which seems to be what the OP is doing, is not responsible parenting IMO.</p>
<p>I really don’t know what to do . This is the #4 child ,and only girl . There are many issues that concern me . She has gone from being a vegetarian to a vegan to an organic eater to a non processed organic eater .She only shops from fair trade sources .She cares deeply about the earth and environment . I feel she is not happy ,so taking a break right now is fine with me .She is not like other girl’s her age . I question where is the best college environment for her .Contrary to MOWC ,I was very proud when she was accepted to H ,but I don’t know if she should be in school right now .I would like her to see a therapist when she is here before she goes to Sweden .My H alumni husband is also unsure what she needs right now .Her 3 brothers are totally different ,not so sensitive about everything . She seems very different from the girl that started there .</p>
<p>faux - your last sentence alarms me. It’s why I asked before if something traumatic happened to her. I agree that taking a break whether she’s at harvard or podunk u sounds in order. I understand why you were proud, I would be too. But something just feels off to me, and I can’t tell you what.</p>
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<p>If you really feel this way…make it happen. Don’t let her go to another country without first seeking some guidance here. Perhaps seeing an impartial party will help her sort her way through whatever has changed her.</p>
<p>Kids DO change when they go to college and that is OK…but I know that if <em>my</em> gut feeling told me it was more than just growing up, I would not let my kid leave the country on a trip for three months. Sorry…would NOT happen.</p>
<p>Faux, you and your husband need to present a united front on whatever plan you come up with. If either of you waivers, your daughter is going to take over. Trust your gut feelings. The worst that could happen is she goes to a counselor and nothing is really wrong. It’s a win-win.</p>
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<p>I think this is an *excellent *idea. </p>
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<p>If she were my daughter, I still wouldn’t be down with this part. But she’s not my daughter.</p>
<p>As for the rest of that post, I think you’re lumping together changes that are quirky and inconvenient with changes that could be signs that something is wrong; changes you just might have to put up with when your kid leaves the nest, changes that could be just a phase, and changes that really should not be undertaken lightly.</p>
<p>Vegetarian/vegan/organic/non-processed/fair-trade: maybe quirky; certainly inconvenient if you don’t want to buy, cook and eat the same way; maybe a phase; kind of thing that can happen when your son or daughter leaves home.</p>
<p>Cares deeply about the earth and the environment: the kind of thing that young people do when they step out on their own. Plus, this is a good thing, because we older folks seem to be doing kind of a lousy job looking after the planet.</p>
<p>Not happy/very different from the girl that started there: cause for serious concern.</p>
<p>Moving off-campus/moving into a peculiar living arrangement with very unclear financial obligations/taking a leave mid-semester: I think she undertook at least some of these too lightly.</p>
<p>Undertaking the above without informing her parents until they were done deals: unacceptably disrespectful, and maybe cause for serious concern. If I’m giving her financial support, she has to consult me about changing the way I’ll deploy my money on her behalf.</p>
<p>If she were my daughter, I would not trust her judgment right now. If she were my daughter, I guess I couldn’t technically stop her from going to Sweden, but I’d be curious as hell to see how she was going to pay for it. If she were planning to live with my financial support, I’d insist she see a psychotherapist.</p>
<p>Eyemamom-it really takes courage to discuss my D here ,as so many people feel strongly that I must be an unfit/crazy mom ,if you go back and read old posts . If I try to pinpoint where the problem happened ,it was towards the end of her Freshman year with her 4 other suitemates . There was some big blow-up ,that’s all I know . I think she may have some anxiety /depression issues . H thinks she is struggling in some ways ,not sure if it is depression .</p>
<p>Fauxmaven, I hope you or your husband has the appropriate privacy forms signed with the college so that YOU can talk to the bursars office about any money that is to be refunded to you. Where MY kids went to college, the refunds were given to the STUDENTs by check…in the student’s name. Your daughter could have a tidy nest egg all ready to use for her “trip” to Sweden…and whatever she chooses. If the check is written to her, you will have quite the time getting that money from her unless she chooses to give it to you.</p>
<p>OTOH…if YOU have authorization to speak to the bursar, you can request that the money held in her bursars account…for her return to college. If they won’t do that, you can ask them to send the money to you…but they will NOT do so if you don’t have the appropriate forms signed.</p>
<p>fm - I’m going to just take you at face value and not search for past posts. Whatever the blow up was with the suitemates it must have really hurt her feelings, maybe damaged her reputation and could be the reason for feeling on the outs at school.</p>
<p>We have a friend whose son became obsessed about the planet, his diet, etc. Everyone talked about how great it was, his mom proudly talked about how he stayed up nights worried about nuclear war… I thought it was an enormous red flag. He lost a ton of weight, got really sick, ended up being hospitalized for unknown causes (mental or physical) and withdrew from the school. So, yes, an extreme concern for causes outside her ability to affect change could be a sign that something is out of whack. </p>
<p>I’d have her come home first and just be with her and see. Has she lost/gained weight? Does she look different - dramatic changes in wardrobe, posture, makeup, etc? Before I’d let her go off to Sweden I would need to know in my mom’s heart that there weren’t deeper issues going on than just a desire for a prolonged vacation. I find it interesting that she’s going to her childhood nanny.</p>
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<p>I think comments like the above – the use of the “NEVER” word that I so detest – are decidedly unhelpful. </p>
<p>As well as comments by others about being unduly permissive.</p>
<p>Maybe part of the problem is that fauxmaven’s daughter feels trapped – maybe she feels like she is stuck at a school where she is a total misfit, she may even feel appalled and repelled by the attitudes of many of her fellow classmates. (I mean, organic nonprocessed vegan fair trade shoppers may just not be all that happy in an environment filled with wannabe future investment bankers).</p>
<p>So how will predictions of utter disaster if she leaves in any way help? </p>
<p>You may be right that she won’t return to “this” college… unless she changes or the college changes, the heart of the problem may simply be that Harvard is the worst possible place she could be to realize her personal potential. Her “potential” is not her GPA or the degree that will hang on her wall someday (or more likely be found shoved in a box in the back of a closet) – it’s her human potential for fulfillment and happiness. Maybe she will end up living in Sweden married to the boyfriend that CC’ers view so dimly, raising half a dozen kids on some Swedish farm… and maybe that’s where she is meant to be. </p>
<p>As I have posted before, emotional support is not the same as financial support. The parent can give one without giving the other. I raised my kids with the understanding that they were adults at age 18 and that I was willing to subsidize them through college, but otherwise they were on their own. So should the OP pay for her daughter to go live in Sweden? If it were me, I wouldn’t… but it wouldn’t have been a matter of cutting my kids off. </p>
<p>We don’t know this kid. But we do know one thing: she found herself very unhappy 3 weeks into her second semester.</p>
<p>Actually, my son was the same way, same time frame. My son stuck out the semester, and I kept hoping it was sophomore slump, but he kept telling me he was ‘thinking’ of taking time off. Later on – much later actually – I learned that he had dug a much deeper academic hole than I was aware of – he had been just too embarrassed or ashamed, or perhaps in denial himself, to key me in on how bad things were. </p>
<p>My impression here is that the decision has already been made. The daughter is leaving Harvard, for now, and she’s going to Sweden. The OP posted looking for some reassurance… and because this is CC, she’s getting a lot of mud flung at her instead.</p>
<p>fauxmaven, I want to say that you are not being vilified here, I can see where you are coming from but I think that everyone who is posting is doing it as what we see as outsiders. </p>
<p>Please, please, listen to what some of the posters are trying to tell you, esp. thumper1. She knows what she is talking about (I’m sure that I remember she is a mental health professional). Try to take the emotional baggage out of the equation and see how we are seeing things.</p>
<p>Also remember you are allowed to say NO to this child. It seems to me that you and your husband walk on eggshells with this child. If you want her to go into counseling and not go to Sweden then tell her. Now is the time, don’t wait!</p>
<p>My personal feeling is that something did happen and she doesn’t want you to know. She is escaping to Sweden and a relationship which is safe to her. </p>
<p>I have a master manipulator in my family. She makes everything about her and changes everything so that it works out for her. Don’t let this child manipulate you. Tell her no if you don’t want her to do what she wants to.</p>