@toomanyteens who actually has ownership of the car and pays for the registration, gas, insurance, maintenance? Is her name on the title? If you actually own the car, then you do have more of a say over how it is used, etc. I do think it’s reasonable to ask her to shoulder some of the costs…
You could pay for the gas for driving to her clinicals and to and from school on vacations. And if she wants to use her car for visiting her boyfriend, she needs to pay for that…
All you can do is watch closely. I assume your DD is coming home for the summer. Will she be working? Hopefully, the BF is also working. Does he have any plans going forward?
My kids knew when I said something if I really meant it, and this would be one of those times. Things I really meant - no cell phones while driving, no skipping classes (that had always been our rule so it was more of a habit), no tattoos. They knew when I said no ‘wasting’ money on pizza because it was already paid for as part of the meal plan was me being unrealistic (but I bet they thought about it every time they had to pay for pizza).
On the car they’d know I was serious. Neither had a car at school, but as soon as my daughter got her own car that she’s paying for, she didn’t want anyone else driving it so that became her ‘rule’ and I’m not sure she didn’t claim that it was my rule. I’m good with her using me.
Just be firm and then pray.
@natty1988 yes we do have a say you are right as we pay the expenses and I do intend to only finance what she ‘needs’ for gas etc. not for the side trips.
@twocollegekids yes she is working in the summer – there is no doubt about that. I don’t have trouble getting her to work, she likes having money lol. The boyfriend well, he tends to not work. As a matter of fact, one of the things I dislike about him is that SHE was footing the bill for him for a long time, and she was even paying his CAR insurance at one point – she is empathetic and he seems to figure out how to push that button. He has all kinds of excuses disguised as legitimate reasons to not have a job, for losing a job, for not getting another job (geeze why don’t we LIKE him?) – I don’t know what his plans are after graduation.
My ex (her father), my husband, her sisters and I agree on him (and believe me ex and I do NOT agree on much) and we are on the same side with this car thing – he bought the car, I will be insuring and maintaining it.
The BF isolating her raises a red flag for me.
Sometimes it takes the friends pointing out that the BF is going nowhere for it to stick. Years ago, a friend compared her slacker taker longtime BF to the husbands her friends had. They told her other guys were interested in her but they could not introduce her because of Mr. Slacker. She thought about it, decided she didn’t see or want a future with him, with her pulling all the weight. She dumped him, was set up on a date with a guy suited to her. They have been married for about 20yrs, 2 kiddos, great partnership marriage.
@Massmomm me too, and I am not sure what I can actually do about it
@TQfromtheU I keep hoping for that to happen
I can’t believe that a car is required for clinicals. I would think schools would accommodate students who cannot afford a car. One of mine is getting a doctorate in So. CA and cannot afford a car. He gets around via bus and Uber.
Separate issue, I know, but I don’t agree with any school assuming a student can afford a car.
I agree with @compmom Does the school subsidize Zipcar?
No they don’t – a car is needed when they start doing heavy clinicals, and yes we could rent zipcars for her but it is like every day
@compmom While there may be a couple out there, I do not know of any nursing program that provides transportation to clinicals. Schools located in/near a city may have public transportation that can be utilized. Does a school provide your transportation to an internship? Don’t worry, all nursing students are made aware before hand the logistics needed to get to their clinicals.
There is increasing emphasis on socioeconomic diversity at many schools. If the school cannot provide transportation (and chances are that clinicals involve more than one student at each hospital or clinic) then the school could subsidize pooled Ubers. The need for a car could be a real obstacle for many. I always assumed that the suburban school near me provided transportation for nursing students.
I think internships are different from required clinicals.
Nurses and nursing students often work shifts, so are getting off at times when it is not safe to take public transportation. Some students who are jr and sr do not live on campus so is the school supposed to provide transportation to their private homes too?
OPs daughter needs a car. I think she just needs to be firm about the car and the boyfriend.
Being firm translates to exactly what?
There is “use the car to visit the BF every weekend and you’ll lose the car” which means the kid ends up managing her transportation to and from clinicals like every other kid without a car. I.e. Didn’t need a car- it’s a huge convenience, but somehow other people manage.
Twoin- we’re just trying to help the OP walk through a bunch of different scenarios. Some will resonate, some won’t. We don’t know the school, or where the hospitals are, or how comfortable the OP’s D would be asking the HR team at the hospital “I know the van service is for fulltime employees only, but since I don’t have transportation, would you be able to make an exception for me?”
We don’t know.
But to pretend that every nursing student in America has a car at college is- IMHO, not helpful. Since it’s not true.
I feel for the OP, but I’ve seen so many kids get derailed with the car on campus (significant others, spending Sunday nights at the airport waiting for a roommates flight to get in, the car gets lent to someone else who gets into a fender bender and then voila- no car for the Monday afternoon clinicals, etc.) So just trying to brainstorm to see if there’s a solution which does not involve the D, the car, the BF…
Two hospitals near me have private van services which connect with commuter trains and buses (ostensibly what they’re for). I know hospital staff who use the van service to and from their homes- a little out of the way from the regular route, but I’m told “not a big deal”, especially if you are nice to the drivers. As long as you aren’t using the van service to help you run errands or pick up family members, the hospital is fine with it. The purpose of the van service is two fold- to allow them to attract employees who don’t own cars, AND to reduce the number of parking spaces the hospital needs (which became a problem with the last physical expansion). Not having to purchase or lease additional garage facilities for employees became a big costs savings when compared with the price of the vans.
Just a suggestion to look into. May not be feasible, in which case- we’re back to the car!
“I can’t believe that a car is required for clinicals. I would think schools would accommodate students who cannot afford a car. One of mine is getting a doctorate in So. CA and cannot afford a car. He gets around via bus and Uber”
Well your beleif is wrong. At the University of Michigan (just for example) they tell you before you accept a place in the class that Nursing students will need a car. Clinicals can be up to 45 minutes away from school! Not a bus ride and an Uber would be crazy expensive!
If you haven’t had a nursing student you really don’t understand how different it is than almost all other fields of study.
Yes, pretty much.
My kids knew when I was serious and that would have been very serious. My daughter had a boyfriend when she was headed to college and they spent entirely too much time talking on the phone (3 time zone difference too). I told her that if it continued, I’d shut off her phone and she knew I meant it. Fortunately, they broke up in June before school started.
OK, so D loses the car. Then what?
Surely the parents don’t want the kid dropping out of college, since without a car how is the kid to get to clinicals, etc?
I’m just wondering how useful the threat is “Visit BF every weekend and lose the car”. Kid knows that the parents won’t let her drop out of her program. So it’s an empty threat if she truly needs the car, and is a threat without too much pain if she doesn’t really need the car (i.e. can carpool with a classmate, supplement with the occasional cab or bus).
I think the parents need a different strategy, because if it were me, I’d see this as a threat completely without teeth. Especially if the parents truly believe the car is a necessity.
Oh, I’d take the car away and then my child would have to figure it out. Drop out, get a ride with someone else, take the bus, which is what everyone is suggesting here. I’m agreeing with OP that a car is the best way if the daughter will agree to the rules. That really wouldn’t be an issue at our house because they know, 100%, I’d follow through with taking the car away (or phone, or tuition, or we agreed on) if they weren’t following the rules.
One of my daughter’s did have an out of town boyfriend and she went to his house, about 3 hours away, too often (she didn’t have a car, she got rides). I stopped giving her money until she got a job and stayed at the school on weekends. If she wasn’t taking school seriously, I wasn’t paying.