Help - Admissions essay - Please!

<p>I'll take all the feedback I can get.... here is what I have so far. Please let me know your thoughts - I'm having anxiety attacks at the notion of finalizing my application!</p>

<p>(Directions: Please use the space provided to explain your immediate and long term research and occupational goals with respect to your intended field of study. Please indicate why you have chosen to pursue your study at NU, and provide details regarding your particular areas of academic interest.)</p>

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<p>I was seven years old when I had my first substantial experience in theatre. My mother landed a small role in a community theatre production of My Fair Lady, and with my father building sets for the show next door, they had little choice but to bring me along to the late-night rehearsals. Within a week, I had memorized the script and was prompting actors for the stage manager. I also assisted with set changes, and suggested changes to the Ascot Gavotte, to the amusement of the choreographer. I was entranced, and subsequently my desire to be involved in every show organized by my school or the theatre group shaped and informed my transformation into an adult. </p>

<p>My teachers were less understanding about this than my family about my newly discovered interest. One painfully clear memory is of my high school career counselor, who informed me that ‘while it was fine to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities to make my resume look good’, because as an intelligent honors student I should ‘really focus my attention on science and math’. Awkward and insecure as most teenagers, I was crushed by her words. A week later, I received a letter from actor Tony Randall (who was, I later learned, coerced by my mother) telling me not to give up, and to continue to pursue all endeavors no matter how disparate they may seem to anyone else.</p>

<p>Over the years, I trained as a performer, working on and off-stage while holding down various jobs to fund my education. I found myself drawn to stage management as well as instructing, and worked at the Young Actors Ensemble, where I was able to do a bit of each. I found myself reiterating the same message to the young theatre troupe which that letter had impressed upon me: The skills valued in theatre, or any other artistic passion, do not make you less adept at any other subject. You can be an honors science student and still appreciate the gore of a well-performed onstage death. In fact, I explained, you may appreciate it more by understanding the performance on a new level – and you may appreciate your next dissection in biology more if you can relate to with the experience.</p>

<p>As a current vocal and piano instructor who also works in Information Technology, I find myself restating this thought to students and to peers even today. Students who have a passion for their subject matter will learn and retain knowledge better than those who do not. </p>

<p>It is my goal to research and develop a curriculum that would allow students to study and develop their artistic passions while developing critical skills (reading, writing, arithmetic) alongside their interests. Too often, primary and secondary schooling segregates subjects that are integrated in everyday life, and they remain separate in the minds of the students throughout their lives. I believe that education should not be limited to traditional teaching methods, nor should the incorporation of the arts be limited to field trips and first-day improvisation games. The student who excels in math should be given the opportunity to appreciate the intricacies of music theory, just as the music student should be given the opportunity to see their practice through the clear light of mathematics. </p>

<p>As theatre is my lifelong passion, my research starts here, with no insult meant to the infinite number of other artistic studies available. The intention of my research will be to determine definitively that incorporating theatrical coursework within the parameters of ‘critical’ subjects (for example, utilizing stage combat to demonstrate the laws of physics, or exploring set design as a means to understand geometry) results in increased student performance, while developing new student appreciation for theatre. </p>

<p>The Interdisciplinary PhD in Theatre and Drama strikes me as an ideal place to form my research, with its focus on interdisciplinary scholarship, theatrical leadership, and training for academia. I am keenly interested in developing the Department’s extensive work on the American Musical Theatre Project. I am also very curious as to the expertise of the dedicated, lifelong theatre educators including Mary Zimmerman, and welcome their guidance in developing this project, should I be accepted into the program.</p>

<p>A few suggestions:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Remove or rephrase any and all comments with negative aspects, including those that speak to your positive goals (i.e. instead of "Too often, primary and secondary schooling segregates subjects", try "I hope to teaching in a manner that promotes the integration of subjects commonly viewed as separate, in the hope of encouraging students to engage in broader thinking" etc.). Only use negatives ("no", "not", "never") if it is the ONLY way to express your thought.</p></li>
<li><p>In paragraph one, you mentioned that your parents had "little choice but to bring you". Why? Was it financial (colleges are impressed by perseverance through hardship), was is your youthful passion (also a positive to admissions committees)? </p></li>
<li><p>In paragraph two, how EXACTLY did Tony Randall's letter effect you? Did it encourage you to seek a certain path? Does the actor's letter correlate to your decision to apply to this program?</p></li>
<li><p>Start any statement of belief or philosophy with "I believe" or "it is my opinion that" unless you can start it with "So-and-so's research shows that"; otherwise you risk coming off as preachy. Also, if by chance the department member(s) reading your statement disagrees with your assertion, watch out! (For that very reason, I would recommend removing them.)</p></li>
<li><p>I would tie the paragraph that begins with "As a current vocal and piano instructor" to the previous paragraph. It seems to me more like a conclusion to the preceding material than an independent subject. Personally, I would tie the experience as a private voice teacher to the "various jobs" section, speaking to its positive effect to your preparation to this program.</p></li>
<li><p>I think the committees would want to know more about your theatrical experience (as well as the "various jobs to fund [your] education"). What shows have your directed, stage-managed, starred in? Have you ever taught in a classroom setting? As a full-time teacher? Did the "various jobs" relate to your field?</p></li>
<li><p>Be a little more specific about Mary Zimmerman; also, be sure to use her title (Dr?). Is she interested in inter-disciplinary educational styles? at the secondary level? If this is the Mary Zimmerman of Northwestern University, you might speak to her vast experience as a professional and how her experience in the improvement of your directing, managing, acting, coaching abilities. Also, if NU is your goal, you should mention someone on the faculty who specializes in educational method, since you spend a good deal of time in your statement on these issues.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>You've got some great material here; I hope these suggestions help, and best of luck in your applications!</p>

<p>Joel</p>

<p>i scanned it and i like it.</p>

<p>i disagree with #1 and #4 on joel's suggestions.</p>

<p>be strong. be bold. be you.</p>

<p>[q]I am also very curious as to the expertise of the dedicated, lifelong theatre educators [/q]</p>

<p>You should not be curious about the expertise of the faculty with whom you will be working. You should already be assured of it, by reading their publications.</p>

<p>You might wish to restate this as "I am looking forward to taking advantage of the expertise of your faculty. I am particularly interested in the work of Professor Zimmerman, as her research addresses [certain area of your own research]."</p>

<p>I haven't read the whole passage, but some things stood out for me in this paragraph:</p>

<p>My teachers were less understanding about this than my family about my newly discovered interest. One painfully clear memory is of my high school career counselor, who informed me that ‘while it was fine to be involved in a few extra-curricular activities to make my resume look good’, because as an intelligent honors student I should ‘really focus my attention on science and math’. Awkward and insecure as most teenagers, I was crushed by her words. A week later, I received a letter from actor Tony Randall (who was, I later learned, coerced by my mother) telling me not to give up, and to continue to pursue all endeavors no matter how disparate they may seem to anyone else.</p>

<p>This could be wrong, but my gut says to change the phrase "my teachers were less understanding." First of all, it has a finger-pointing quality. Second of all, you don't back it up with facts. The story you tell is about your counselor, not a teacher. You can definitely make the point about your teachers, but turn it around some so it is a challenge you had to overcome, not something that was done to you. Also that sentence doesn't make sense because you have two prepositional phrases starting with about.</p>

<p>There shouldn't be quotes around the 2 quoted pieces. Also, your next sentence is missing something before the "because." Like, "but I shouldn't devote too much time to it because..."</p>

<p>I am not crazy about "awkward and insecure as most teenagers." It is assuming a lot. But if you do use it, I think it should have the word are after teenagers. </p>

<p>The parenthetical comment about Tony Randall is awkward. Maybe something like: "Seeing my despair, my mother pulled some strings with a certain actor she knew. A week later, I received a letter from none other than Tony Randall." </p>

<p>OK, one more thing. This is from the first paragraph. This sentence is kind of long and you may want to consider breaking it into two sentences:
My mother landed a small role in a community theatre production of My Fair Lady, and with my father building sets for the show next door, they had little choice but to bring me along to the late-night rehearsals.</p>

<p>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++</p>

<p>Good luck! It sounds like you have some interesting graduate studies ahead of you!</p>

<p>Thanks to all who gave their responses - your feedback is valued and has been taken into account!</p>