<p>I'd try to empathize, but not worry, and remind her she has a potential way out. These things become a lightening rod for all "going away" worries sometimes and can make the last weeks at home miserable if you join in focussing on it. A friend's daughter was very upset about how she felt her assigned roommate would be based on some initial interaction, both she and parent were very preoccupied about it, and then it all proved entirely different when they actually met. Everything worked out fine (and if it hadn't they would have coped fine too and managed around it)--but meanwhile it took a lot of attention when other things could have been more fun and more productive. Just like we have to learn to choose our battles as parents of toddler, I think we have to learn to choose our dramas as parents of young adults. Yes, there is real disappointment not to get what she imagined--but until she has real data from seeing what it is like, you are dealing with fears not facts. Maybe tell her some stories you unearth from your own experience about how something you dreaded came out better than planned...</p>
<p>LOL,S2 has a problem with his freshman dorm too..it's all male! He didn't sign up for it. It's the only all male dorm on campus. I told him most guys prob. didn't sign up for it but somebody has to live there! His school is over 60% female. Meeting girls should not be a problem! Over the last couple of weeks he has grudgingly admitted that the dorm does have some nice perks that he likes.</p>
<p>S1 lived in an all freshman substance free dorm. He chose it because it was in a great location. Wild and crazy stuff was always going on. Substances were still expereinced by most according to S1. Substance free did not turn out to be low-key in his situation. Almost every dorm on his campus is substance free. anyway. He loved that dorm and would have stayed another year if it were not freshman only.</p>
<p>PackMom - have no fear - all the girls will hang at the all guys dorm - LOL.</p>
<p>substance-free - my two oldest chose this housing and never regretted it. The benefits were many. I won't rehash JHS's post but it's on the money -
as parents we have a tendency to want everything "perfect" for our kids. Right school, right dorm.
She will be fine. relax and don't make a big deal over it. tell her if she wants it fixed she should call housing herself, that you won't do it. she probably won't even bother.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice. H called the school and it turns out that of the 11 students that requested a room change at 2 weeks, they were able to grant 10. Even better, no one that was placed in this hall requested a room change. Only down side he found out was that of 150 students there, only 10 (and they will be placed in one wing) were placed there without requesting it. I had thought it might be more.... Guess I just worry with her being so far from home, not knowing anyone, etc, etc, etc,</p>
<p>I agree that she should get on the waiting list, but if it doesn't work out, she shouldn't worry too much. If all of the kids on her floor are substance free, she may actually meet more people than if she was in another dorm. A lot of times when students are forced into smaller groups bound by some similarity, they bond together more quickly. When I was assigned to my dorm, most of the kids on my floor were football players so they were gone a lot. Because of that, those of us that were not football players became very close and are still some of my best friends today. I'm sure it will work out.</p>
<p>She should consider herself fortunate. She has the ability to party and do things that she would never do in her own abode and would have no responsibility for the consequences. If OTH, maybe she is the one who likes to be the party organizer and feels comfortable in that role...What do you think, Party participant or Party Maker?</p>
<p>OP,
There are a lot of unknowns in this summer before college. My son is just starting his third year in Boston and we live in CA. Your anxiety will definitely affect your daughter. Just keep telling her that you are sure it will all be fine and that if she really wants to change after the two week period, she can make that change herself.
This is a time to listen to her anxiety but do your best not to add to it. It is hard to not jump in and try to fix everything for them at this stage but in my humble opinion and experience that is the best course of action.</p>
<p>I think the school has been insensitive by only putting 10 frosh in this situation, and it will put more pressure on her adjustment to college life. The decision to stick it out should be based on her needs/desires, not whether she's ready for another challenge. (there will be plenty of those down the road to get life lessons from). It might work out, but certainly it's not optimal for a smoothe adjustment on the other coast. </p>
<p>I would ask at a higher level NOW for a change IF your d thinks about it for a few days and still feels the same way. Some girls are very social, and this could be a serious source of unhappiness. I would leave it up to your d, but would not take the view that she should just stick it out unless she felt that way. </p>
<p>I have 2 kids and I think of my 2, one has been affected by something similiar, and one wouldn't be affected. They are different. The one who was affected made the most of an undesirably unsocial dorm assigment by getting involved on campus in 2 different orgs and it was fine soph year. Her friends had nothing to do with her living space. It wasn't without its disadvantages, she made the best of it. But she wouldn't have chosen to do it that way and it was definitely more stressful. She was not adjusting to a new climate, 2000+ miles distance from family, etc.</p>
<p>Let your D handle it. If she wants advice (e.g. who do I call?) give it, but do NOT solve this yourself. Do NOT call Res Life. OK, your H already called once - do NOT call again. If you're daughter is worried and has questions, let HER call. I don't want to sound harsh, but it's HER problem, not yours. You are paying her tuition, room & board, I assume? The college has provided safe, adequate housing? Then your part is done. If D has a preference to move elsewhere, let HER put the effort out to do it. My personal advice to her would be to keep a positive outlook, move into the dorm, give it some time, and if it's truly not what she wants then she can apply to move. </p>
<p>Every dorm on every campus has positives and negatives. No dorm is perfect. If your D goes to college with a mindset that she's moving until she finds the perfect dorm, then she may as well live in a tent.</p>
<p>The main point of going away to college is to learn to solve your own problems. I know it's hard for us parents to let go, but we have to!</p>
<p>I'm choosing to live in sub-free this year.</p>
<p>Meeting my roommate, she seems like a really nice girl, and definitely not anti-social from her facebook.</p>
<p>The reasons I chose sub-free have all been stated, but I'll reiterate:
-I have plenty of fun without drugs or alcohol.
-I don't have a problem going to parties, but I don't want to come home to vomiting and smoke all over the place.
-My school is VERY serious about the alcohol and drug policy on campus...if anyone over 21 is even in attendance at a party and alcohol is present, the person throwing the party (and said person's roommates, if they are present) can get into serious trouble. If the violation is serious enough, they can lose their housing and are banned from setting foot on the residential community for a year. I like it that they're serious about violations.
-I wouldn't have any problem saying "no", but I'd just as soon not have to deal with it at all freshman year.</p>
<p>It's unfortunate that your D got placed into it without choosing (no one should be forced to live sub-free if they don't want to), but who knows? It could be a blessing in disguise! I hope everything works out for her.</p>
<p>Since when has the "typical dorm experience" REQUIRED booze and drugs? :)</p>
<p>My daughter lived in the Sub Free dorm at her school for her first two years. Her first year, she picked it because she was told it was her best guarantee of getting a single room. </p>
<p>In reality, "sub free" at her school meant "don't drink or do drugs openly here, but feel free to go out and party elsewhere on campus." It DID NOT mean "Fun Free"! Living in the sub free dorm didn't affect her social life at all --- she made great friends in her dorm AND in dorms all over campus, and found plenty of fun. One big benefit: she says her dorm was a lot cleaner at the end of long weekends than the other dorms where parties happened. That's one of the main reasons she decided to stay there a second year.</p>
<p>My son, also very liberal, atheistic-leaning, and a 6'4" jock, chose the sub-free dorm. He doesn't judge others who drink, but he doesn't particulary want to live with that culture.</p>
<p>He made this choice after his best friend had a hugely depressing and alienating first year at Northwestern. He got there and he was just amazed at the alcohol scene. This is not some puritanical kid, either. He'd seen many a party before going there, but he found that alcohol was almost an obsession in his dorm and he was quite perplexed because he couldn't seem to make friends that wanted to do anything <em>else</em> on a weekend night.</p>
<p>He finished up his first year at Northwestern and has decided not to go back... at least not this year.</p>
<p>My son figured if he lived in the sub-free dorm at least his first year he'd stand a better chance of meeting a few people who enjoyed doing other things on the weekend. He knows there may be somewhat more conservative kids in that dorm, but he's been happy and social before in his life with kids who don't share his worldview, as well as with those who do. People are people. Judgement sucks.</p>
<p>Ummm... my D THOUGHT she got placed in the sub free dorm at her school, and she was in a complete panic, understandably so. She has talked to kids online and at orientation that would rather live in hell than be associated with it. It's not that its sub free- all dorms are basically supposed to be sub free. It's the reputation on campus of the kind of kids who choose it- it has the reputation of being a closed door, antisocial, overly religous, nerdy place.</p>
<p>Luckily we found out that this particular dorm is no longer the sub free dorm, but my daughter was having none of it and would have definitely requested a transfer out of it.</p>
<p>You know, we can say whatever we want to our kids, tell them to look at the bright side, blah blah blah. But the truth is ,they are going far away from home, they only know a few people, and they know when they are being labeled. They don't need any barriers to fitting in. My D did not want to be labeled, just like she didn't want to labeled a nerd at high school just because she was smart.</p>
<p>If your child doesn't want to live there, do everything you can to help her not live there. There is room somewhere else. It's only 10 kids.</p>
<p>Hope I don't get slammed for being honest....</p>
<p>Actually related to Vderon's post...if the college student wants a change in their housing assignment, the STUDENT should work to affect this change. I honestly believe that the parents should not be in the driver's seat on this one.</p>
<p>S had a similar experience, but instead of a sub free dorm he was placed in a residential program dorm. He was not part of the program because he had listened to the older students at Admit weekend who said those in the program were "weird, freaks, who studied all the time." Of course he was very upset to be placed in a dorm with "weird, freaks", even though the college promised (similar to OP's D) to place him with roommates who also were not part of the residential program.
We tried and tried to get him out (before school started) to no avail.<br>
Now for the kicker: He had the most wonderful freshman experience in that dorm. Everyone bonded closely. He was included in many of the fun activities that were meant for only those in the residential program. The next year he roomed with three guys who had been in the program. His closest friends continue to be a group of about 20 guys and grirls from that dorm. And he regrets not having enrolled in the program. He had a heck of a good time with those "weird, freaks who studied all the time." By the way, the school newspaper also slams this freshman program and the dorm. I doubt if the writers ever knew anyone in it.
I hope OP's D has a similar experience.</p>
<p>I would secretly be doing the happy dance to have my kid in a substance-free dorm, if, in fact, it is what the name implies. Kids are thrown together as roommates. However, in a way, they choose to be together by the classes they choose. Therefore, it would seem that they have more in common, at first, with their classmates, or through extracurriculars. I think I would agree with the camp that says let your daughter resolve this on her own, and try to convey a positive outlook.</p>
<p>The housing people get kids complaining all the time, especially in the beginning of the year. Sometimes a parent can help get things done. I'm not going to drive 4 hours every my kid has a problem, but if they have a legit complaint, I'll step in if they aren't getting anywhere, and they want my help. My daughter is a senior in college, and I have only made one call on her behalf, and that was because she was in England. </p>
<p>But- if she asked for my help, and I thought she was thinking correctly, yup, I'm there.</p>
<p>It's the time of year when incoming freshman find something to worry about in their housing assignment. D. got exactly what she requested but now is having second thoughts about having requested that particular option.</p>
<p>There was a girl in my older daughter's frosh dorm who showed up on move in day to find that her roomate, a junior, had already re-configured the room and taken up two thirds of the space. She was sleeping, and didn't want to get up when they arrived. The place was already a mess, and she was using both of the closets. </p>
<p>The frosh was visibly upset, and the mom and she went to housing and tried to get another room, to no avail. Sure enough, this girl had a miserable time trying to work with with the roomate, and ending up moving 2nd semester, but only after having her 1st semester tainted by having a roomate that was so sullen and uncooperative the frosh couldn't even have friends visit her in her room.</p>
<p>Sometimes you just know when a situation isn't go to work. They knew on day one, and maybe a little more pushing to get the kid out of that room on day one would have been smart.</p>
<p>The point I was trying to make is that high school kids don't automatically turn into rational adults on move in day. From some of the silly arguments I have heard on move in day- you could argue that the high school valedictorian turns into a 5th grader on move in. Move in day is stressful enough.</p>
<p>If this situation can be taken care of advance, and the child wants the parents help, sometimes an adult voice and tone can be helpful in making it happen. </p>
<p>Even if it turns out that the child would be delirously happy in the sub - free dorm (not a given especially at certain colleges) , if she doesn't want it, and has good reasons for not wanting it , why add more stress now to an already stressful situation?</p>
<p>Vderon -- if it were my D, I would probably already have been on the phone -- that's how strong my first emotional response would have been. So what I am saying now is pointed at myself even more than at others -- If we keep stepping in, when will we stop? When will we stop trying to make life perfectly even and stress-free for the kids? Perhaps a less than ideal dorm experience is a good intro to real life. Don't they need to start figuring it out for themselves? That's where real confidence and competence comes from, after all.</p>