Help! I'm Becoming a Failure

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So, I'm a highschool senior who used to dream about going to Dartmouth. Now, I'm skipping at least one class a week, especially test days or days major essays are due. Then, I cough up a "sick note" for an excused absence. I can't get myself to work at all. I'm not even out partying; I just can't seem to focus on my schoolwork. Last night I did one math problem, and it took me 10 minutes. I'm staying up all night, thinking, I have to do my homework, but I end up just staring at the page or wasting my time eating, on the internet, or napping.</p>

<p>In fact today, I am skipping again. I have a math test and an essay due. </p>

<p>My parents want to help me, but they're not doing any good. They take away the internet, but then I can't due research for projects, and I waste my time doing something else, like sleeping. If they take away other things I enjoy to do, I get depressed and work even less. I know it's all on my shoulders, but I don't know what to do to pull myself out of this funk. I have already quit a varsity sport thinking that I just needed more free time so that I wouldn't be so stressed out, but now I am just wasting the extra four hours doing nothing. The more things I quit/sacrifice to try and salvage my grades, the more of a slacker I feel like. </p>

<p>The first step I'm taking today is telling my teachers that the absence was unexcused, accepting 1/2 credit on the essay, and begging my math teacher to let me make up the test. I guess straight B's senior year isn't the worst that can happen. But for some reason, I feel like even if I take responsibility for slacking, I won't be able to regain those great study habits I originally had. This is the worst case of senioritis that has ever happened, and it's happening BEFORE midyear grades! I hope I can get into my state uni, and my teachers even allow credit for my classes because all of my abscenses. I really want to turn everything around, but I get into this cycle where I think it's too late and not even worth it, and when I realize I was wrong, it IS too late.</p>

2

<p>You are definitely in a rut -- I don't have any great insight, but I can tell you what I would start with for advice:</p>

<p>make sure you eat well -- dispense with junk food, eating our and sodas. Poor nutrition can make you feel run down and depressed. Eat all you meals at the regular time -- and make sure you have a good breakfast.</p>

<p>get some exercise -- take a walk, run or bike ride. Get some physical activity everyday. Studies have proven that bouts of minor depression can be helped with regular exercise.</p>

<p>Get your sleep. don't nap or mess around with your sleep schedule. Get 8-9 hours of sleep a night and make sure your bedtime and wake-up time are consistent.</p>

<p>These three things should eliminate any physical problems behind what you are feeling and allow you to have a more positive attitude. It sounds stupid -- but it has been proven again and again that good nutrition, good sleep and exercise go a long way toward helping. Three days will be enough to see a big difference.</p>

<p>Finally - take some time to see someone and discuss what you are doing. Not your parents or friends, but an adult you feel comfortable talking with. A teacher from school, someone from church or synagogue, a scout leader, coach, etc. </p>

<p>good luck -- and I am sure others will have better advice.</p>

3

<p>HMS gives you some good advice, except that I would start with your parents (unless your relationship with them is hopeless). If my sons had your issues, I would hope they would come to me or their mom first.</p>

4

<p>hsmomstef - your suggestions don't sound stupid to me at all, especially since yesterday all I ate was two microwavable pizzas, and that's the usual diet. Hah. Plus, without my sport I now don't get any exercise, and have felt even less productive. I also usually stay up all night. I might sleep one or two hours between 12-2. I'm tired all the time. But fixing all these things is a lot easier said than done :(.</p>

<p>RickTyler, my parents know that I have this problem. I think they don't know what to do. They get mad and yell at me when I skip school, and then ground me. But I don't hang out with my friends anymore, anyway, because I can't be happy and have fun when I have all of this unfinished work. But, of course, I don't do it. There is one really big thing that they could take away from me, and I am afraid that will be the next to go. My mom has already threatened to, and she was crying about it, and she seemed so dissapointed in me.</p>

<p>Obviously I don't really care about anything enough...I am sure I will lose everything one by one until all I do is sit camatose on the couch. LOL. It's funny and sad at the same time...</p>

5

<p>Ok well you have already acknowledged you have a problem and want to fix it. You have got yourself into a rut, so accept that and realize that there's going to be a lot of work involved in getting yourself back on track. You can't sit around all day worrying that you will become a bum that sits around in her house all day. You have to do something about it and it's going to be painful. You do care about things--don't tell yourself you don't. I suggest making a list--it is pretty useful for when things are piling up on you and you'd rather ignore it all than start chipping away at the mountain. Make a list of reasons why you want to get out of this situation. Make a list of ways to get out--assignments to finish, things not to skip, colleges you want to go to. Check off things on the list--it's really fulfilling and it'll help you get on track. Small things count too.
And most importantly ask for help. Your school counselor should help you a lot, I'm surprised the school hasn't already asked you to meet with him/her.</p>

6

<p>I agree with ^. You REALLY need to talk to your guidance counselor at school. Now. Don't delay. Tell them it is urgent and get in there.</p>

7

<p>Also consider talking to your school nurse (or psychologist, if your school has one). You sound like you might be depressed (which can occur with stress), and counseling may help.</p>

8

<p>How can I go to any of them for help (including my counseler), when they're writing my recommendations? They'll have no problem saying I'm not ready for college.</p>

<p>Well, I guess I really need to write that essay now instead of being on here. I tried earlier, and I can't think of anything to write. I'm staring at a blank page. The sad part is I got 800s on CR and writing on my SAT; writing an essay used to be so easy for me.</p>

9

<p>You do sound depressed to me. Frankly, I'm amazed that more kids don't get depressed and burned out, with all the pressure on them. </p>

<p>Right now, your top priority, and your parents' top priority, is getting you well again. Your GC will agree that this is the most important thing now, so don't worry about recommendations. Talk to your parents about seeing a doctor and therapist who can help you. If they don't know what to do, call your regular doctor or see your GC; they will know what to do to get the ball rolling. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.</p>

10

<p>groovin:</p>

<p>It is critical that you realize that you need to take some steps to solve your troubles. It is WAY more important to resolve these issues than to worry about your letters of recommendation. </p>

<p>In fact, your counselor probably already knows you're in trouble - and going for help will IMPROVE the recommendation not sabotage it. A big part of getting through college is knowing when to seek help. If you can't learn to seek it now, you are likely setting yourself up for failure in college too. If your counselor sees that you are able to seek help - well, that's just a feather in your cap.</p>

<p>Also, your counselor will abide by confidentiality rules. She or he is not going to go talking to your teachers or the school administration about any conversations you have. So you don't need to worry about that.</p>

<p>Throughout life you will see that it is FAR better to admit you need help and get it than to be in denial and not make any changes.</p>

<p>Stop by that office in the morning! Or call them today!</p>

11

<p>This is from a mom who watched her S do similar things last year.</p>

<p>What you may be experiencing is a big hint that you really aren't ready to go to college -- right now. That really is OK. Colleges will not shun you if you decide not to apply now, but instead to take time off next year -- a gap year -- and do something productive in that time.</p>

<p>Last year, my S acted in a way similar to you. He was a high stat -- 99th percentile SATs -- highly sought after URM who wanted to go to college, but had no clue what exactly he wanted to major in. His interests were as disparate as education and physics.</p>

<p>He started the school year with virtually straight As in a very demanding courseload. After that, the bottom dropped out. He somehow couldn't make it on time to his first period class. He neglected to hand in assignments. He sat for hours staring at college apps, but never wrote them. </p>

<p>We thought he was depressed, and had him see two different therapists, neither of whom thought he was depressed. We also had conferences with his GC and teacher.</p>

<p>After all of the deadlines had passed for the colleges that interested him, he still had not sent in any apps. However, at that point he was able to get an Americorps volunteer position created for him.</p>

<p>He is now spending the year living at home and being an Americorps volunteer, something that he loves. His experience with that organization has also helped him figure out what he wants to major in. He also has had some very impressive self-directed leadership experiences with them including his being the featured speaker in two classes at our local university! He is now applying to college with a focus.</p>

<p>Despite his senior year grades -- which, frankly sucked -- when he went to our local college fair this fall, several college reps including a top 30 one were obviously very impressed with him because they keep contacting him. </p>

<p>Anyway, my advice is to strongly consider not applying to college yet, but instead lining up some gap year possibilities which could be doing something like Americorps, City Year (in several major cities, and is probably the top Americorps program), working a job (any job will help you learn about yourself and the world) or doing something like an immersion language study program abroad.</p>

<p>I also suggest that you discuss your situation with a licensed psychologist or social worker who is experienced with teens with senioritis and similar issues.</p>

<p>If you take off your shoulders the need to make a decision about college now, you may find that you are able to get back on track with attending classes, etc. because there would be no need to sabotoge yourself to keep yourself from going to college that in your heart you know you're not ready for.</p>

<p>It really is OK to not be ready for college yet. Bright students who take productive time off are highly desired by colleges because the colleges know that those students will become college students with more maturity and focus than most students who go to college straight from high school. Indeed, Harvard offers all admitted freshmen the option of taking a gap year.</p>

<p>If you also do get back on track with your coursework, a productive gap year probably will allow you to have a stronger application next year than you would have this year. </p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

12

<p>If your relationship with your parents is OK, you might want to consider going to see your regular primary care doctor instead of your guidance counselor as a first step. If your problem is depression (and it sure looks like it is), going through the health care system might work just as well as going through the school counseling system. But unless you are 18, your doctor needs your parents' consent to treat you -- that's why I asked about your relationship with your parents.</p>

<p>You might feel more relaxed about talking with your doctor than your guidance counselor because the doctor isn't going to be writing recommendations for you. You have absolutely no reason not to be totally truthful with your doctor, and that's a good start.</p>

13

<p>You do sound like you may be depressed. The fact that you are aware things are going awry and want to do something about it but can't tells me you need some outside assistance. Parents, much as they may want to, can't always help as they are too close and emotionally invested. I know we were at a loss to know how to help our daughter when she went through a very tough period (triggered by the death of someone she was close to but leading to many of the same problems you describe) and it really helped her to go to counselling for a while. Talking to an outsider enabled her to express her feelings without worrying about upsetting the person she was talking to. It really helped her. Please consider finding someone to talk to. Sooner would be better than later.</p>

14

<p>If I'm depressed, I'm not sure about what...Nothing bad has ever happened to me. But still I spent all day crying. </p>

<p>Northernstarmom...that is a really interesting suggestion. I've been looking forward to college for ages, and have always had a career dream, but now that everything is so close, I'm not really feeling that certainty. But I've been really interested in Americorps, especially City Year. I don't know why I never really considered either option seriously. Maybe it's because I'd feel like a failure somehow if I stayed at home, or maybe it's just I don't want to stay at home! There were some things I was really looking forward to about college, like coming out, seeing new places, meeting new people, etc...but maybe I can get all those things some other way. Also, I do really want to go to college, and don't know how taking a year to do something like this would be seen by adcoms. This is definitely something I can talk to my guidance counseler about.</p>

<p>I am feeling a little better now, so thanks to all of the parents who have responded. I think I'll try and talk to my parents tonight...they'll probably have something to say, anyway, about me skipping school...</p>

15

<p>Well concentrate on fixing what's immediately wrong before getting lost in plans for the future or arguing about what's ailing you...I don't mean that negatively at all, just saying, it's easy to avoid or hide from problems but the best, simplest, and hardest thing to do is tackle them head on</p>

16

<p>Please remember that depression is a disease - it's often a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be triggered by all sorts of things, including stress and massive (even positive) change. It's not like you have to have a rational reason to be depressed; clinical depression is not the same as the feelings that we all have every now and then, or because something rotten has happened. It's more than that - you wouldn't say, "Gee, I've been a good kid - I don't know why I got cancer." Depression is just as much a disease. But thinking that you have to have a reason, and if you don't then you're not depressed, is what has stopped way too many people from getting help.</p>

<p>You may not be depressed; we're not clinicians, and those of us who may be can't make a diagnosis over an Internet message board. But the first step is to talk about how you're feeling with someone who can help or can get you the help you need. (This talk has to be more than "I'm sorry, and I'll try to do better.")</p>

<p>Good luck to you!</p>

17

<p>groovinhard, when you talk with your parents, tell them you want a physical just to rule out any medical problems. May not have anything to do with how you feel but several medical conditions can cause a lack of energy and "sluggish" brain activity (brain fog) leading to a complete lack of motivation and initiative. People don't realize how much these things can affect your life until they have dealt with them. Most are simple to fix. Things like anemia, hypothyroidism, etc. So, best to at least rule that out.</p>

<p>Could be depression or not. Sounds like you are now being faced with the reality of college and that stress is causing you to sabotage chances of getting into college. It's okay, that happens with more teenagers than you think. You are only 18 years old and being scared is perfectly okay. NSM has really good suggestions. Are you a "young" senior (late in school year birthday)? </p>

<p>It is possible that if you had some options besides straight to college, that would relieve a large part of the stress of the unknown and allow you to concentrate again. You can apply to colleges, giving your best effort, and then request a "gap" year. Many colleges will hold your place if you are going to do something they consider valuable. If you knew that you weren't locked into college if you weren't ready, then maybe you wouldn't find the process so daunting. Then, next fall, you can apply to a few more colleges if none of the current acceptances work for you. That way, come April, you can decide if best to go to college or if best to take gap. That decision doesn't neccesarily have to be made now. Congratulations for working with your parents and keeping them in the loop. You need them on your side more than you know. Best of Luck to you.</p>

18

<p>"Many colleges will hold your place if you are going to do something they consider valuable. If you knew that you weren't locked into college if you weren't ready, then maybe you wouldn't find the process so daunting. Then, next fall, you can apply to a few more colleges if none of the current acceptances work for you. "</p>

<p>I don't suggest doing this because many top colleges that will hold your space will be willing to do this only if you agree to attend them after your gap year. </p>

<p>If you take a gap year, however, you may learn that what you really want is a totally different type of college, which is why I suggest that if you decide to gap, then delay applying to college until next fall.</p>

<p>One of S's friends decided to gap after getting his college acceptances. Unfortunately, he now isn't that interested in going to the college that he selected, but he probably is stuck with it.</p>

19

<p>I really don't think my problems are a result of me subconsciously sabatoging myself. One of the things that is making me unhappy is that I probably have ruined my chances at the universities I was most interested in. So it is nice to know that there are options, especially if I'm unsatisfied with acceptances come April, and that there are still reasons to try and dig myself out my hole. I think it's probably best to apply, and then I will have a few months (rather than a few weeks!) to make such a big decision.</p>

20

<p>So, what you are saying is that becuase you have messed up some, you feel there is no chance to catch up and bring your grades back in line?</p>

<p>That feeling is universal, but if you really want to make some changes, you can do it</p>

<p>All the suggestions are good, here are some tangible things you can start with today...</p>

<p>First, some questions:</p>

<p>what do you do after school
what are your ECs
what is your daily schedule
do you study in your room
do you study on your bed or at a desk
what is your diet
do you drink a lot of caffiene
do you exercise at all
what do you fill your time with</p>

<p>I ask these because you need to get out of your patterns:</p>

<p>Some people find that studying in a library helps- less distractions
Some work well sitting on their bed, others need a desk
Many do not get much done in their rooms, so moving to the dining room table can help
Get physcial exercise can help with focus and your mood
Diet is important</p>

<p>So, while you may have depression, or other issues- physical or chemical, that may take a bit of time to sort out, so in the meantime, there are some things you can do NOW to get back on track- TODAY</p>

<p>So, give us a feel for your daily life, and we can give you some pointers</p>

<p>It is never too late, and good for you for thinking about it</p>

<p>What you should do now, is work on that essay, make a schedule, check to see what work you are missing, make an appointment with your counselor, look at teacher's schedules to see when you can meet with them</p>

<p>if you do have more going on then simple ennui and thinking it is too late, these are steps you would have to take anyway, so if you do see and talk to soeone to figure out what is going on, you don't have to wait to start getting out of the rut you are in...much of moving on is taking the steps forward, and not thinking it is too late and that your "mess" can't be fixed so you have a good future, it most definately can be</p>