Help me edit my college essay...

Applying to College
1

<p>This is the essay i plan on using for most of my apps so any advice or revisions would be helpful! thanks!</p>

<p>"Chapter books." That’s what I called them. I was four years old and I wanted to
read books with chapters. So, with a useful family connection, my parents decided I was
ready and put me on the big yellow school bus off to kindergarten at age four.
My entire life I’ve been constantly reminded of how I could read when I was
three years old, and of how I had finished the first Harry Potter book by the 1st grade. I
didn’t know I had a flare for reading; I only knew that I loved to pick up a book and get
lost in a story of adventure and imagination. My big Italian family praised me, especially
after I started school at such a young age. But what did I know about being smart?
I remember proving to my 80-year old great grandmother that I could read
“Goodnight Moon” upside down, a book I had memorized from so many readings.
Granny would make me stand in the middle of a circle of old Italian ladies on her porch
and recite poetry and nursery rhymes on command, or take the big red jar out of the
refrigerator and wait for me to correctly identify it as “wheat germ!” She knew I would
say it right, and each time the reaction on her face made me feel so proud of myself.
Thinking back on that time in my life, starting school at such a young age, I
realize that I wasn’t ready for it. Starting school wasn’t about growing up or beginning to
challenge myself as it should have been; for me, going to school at four years old meant
missing Barney every morning and being told to read, instead of wanting to do it on my
own.
I now realize that I had started way too soon. I wasn’t ready to leave the big
purple dinosaur, or my Mother Goose rhymes. So much of growing up is about the
compulsory, expectation-driven, plan for our lives. There is little room for choice in life
until one becomes an adult. The choice to pursue an education and a career by entering
college is empowering. Fifteen years after I was first put on a bus to school (in an
adorable matching Dalmatian coat and hat), I find myself ready to enter college and make
choices for my own life. Now, I’m ready and I’m excited to take the first big step of my
own onto that school bus.</p>

2

<p>That is a great essay, congratulations. To which schools are you thinking on applying?</p>

<p>Probably the experts here will give you a better insight into a few grammatical mistakes.</p>

<p>Just a quick tip: avoid using the same word multiple times in a same paragraph.</p>

<p>“choices for my >own< life…first big step of my >own< onto that school bus.”</p>

<p>In this case, you can eliminate the first “own”, since “my own life” is redundant.</p>

<p>Wish you the best.</p>

<p>Regards,
Sandro Rodrigues</p>

3

<p>I think it’s well written, and the first paragraph is cute, but if I were an ad-com I’d want to know how you coped with “…the compulsory, expectation-driven, plan for our lives” beyond age 4. Be specific: Tell us what it means to you to be “empowered” by college and what equips you handle that challenge now. It’s a great start, but it needs to go beyond letting us know you were a precocious toddler.</p>

4

<p>It is a well written essay. The issue I have is that it doesn’t really tell me much about the current you.</p>

<p>I know about your life at age 4, and your current regrets that you lost a year of innocent childhood. I know you can write and reflect. What I don’t know is who YOU are now.</p>

5

<p>thanks so much! any other advice?</p>