<p>Here it is. I want feedback! I feel that I'm using too many 'big' words. And I want to be honest to the colleges I'm applying to. And it's 335 words. And when I mean I didn't do well, I could possibly be getting a 2.0 for the first semester. </p>
<p>I felt that the three years that I have attended high school were very challenging. No one wants to be that odd girl out in high school. Being an outsider isn't usually a high schoolers preference. Unfortunately, this is exactly how I felt in high school. I should be a senior at -------- High School, but I wanted a challenge. So I decided to graduate high school early by taking classes full time at -------- Community College. I learned to realize that being seventeen and in college is challenging. I did not become conscious as to realize how intricate it was going to be. In opposition to high school, the classes were harder, there was a great deal of reading, and you were pretty well on your own. Since I was not used to this change, I did not do too well. I struggled. I know this is not a positive issue, but I feel like I learned a great deal in not doing well. I feel like now I know of the mistakes I made, and I can acomplish more in future semesters, whether it's at ----------, or at Kutztown. Being surrounded with students older than me also shaped my maturity. I felt that in college, no one holds you back. Your not wrapped up in the drama in high school. I became more mature because I was only at college for my benefit. This college experience has unquestionably made me grow up. I feel that preceeding to community college was one of the best choices I have made. Even though I did not do well, I feel that I have the skills to do well in the future because I learned what needs to be done in order to succeed in college. Even though I did have a few bumps in the road, all in all, I do not regret this experience at all and cannot wait for future chances to do even better academically in college.</p>
<p>Not bad for a 20 minute essay. You have some grammar, spelling, and denotative mistakes, and I would work on the overall ‘flow’ of your writing. Read it out loud tonight, and see where it feels sort of clunky, or like your sentence structure isn’t quite right. Then do it again tomorrow, and the next day. ‘I did not become conscious as to realize how intricate it was going to be’ stands out to me as the sentence you’ll most want to consider revising. </p>
<p>I wrote my essay over the course of about three days, and felt I finished it very strong, so there’s nothing wrong with writing it quickly, if you mean what you say. And I did a dual-credit program for my junior and senior year. It really is a challenge, but I would focus a little bit less on the negative and a little bit more on what you took away from it, and why it was such a good thing for you. You aren’t explaining why you failed, you’re explaining how it made you better. Also, Kutztown, huh? I’m moving out there from Washington State this summer…We have too much in common.</p>
<p>It’s a good start. I think you should elaborate more, showing specific examples of how you feel you’ve matured and grown from this experience. Also, you don’t need to tell the admission officers information about what college life entails; they already know.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. You have a good start for the essay, and I think if you illustrate some examples and polish it a bit, you’ll be good to go.</p>
<p>I think you need to have more sentence length variation. Most of your sentences are in the short, simple Subject-Verb form. Also, make sure to check for grammar (your v you’re, putting in the apostrophes, etc).</p>
<p>if the admissions officer sees this you will instantly be rejected “Your not wrapped up in the drama in high school.”</p>
<p>really though, try to frame it in terms of a narrative. don’t worry about using too many big words, honestly I don’t see any inappropriate diction or really any 5 dollar words at all. Instead, like another poster said, improve your flow. </p>
<p>and personally I would take this off the internet asap and show it to your english teachers instead.</p>
<p>I wrote my essay in about an hour. The number one thing I can say is that you need to revise, edit, check, repeat. I did this over, and over, and over again throughout the course of 2 weeks. I went from a one page double spaced essay into a refined, edited, error-free piece of art that will surely boost my application. Incessant editing is your best friend for college essays. Always use it!</p>
<p>Gofygore, I feel the same way about the sentence you think needs to be revised. I read it aloud a bunch of times and shook my head because it doesn’t make any sense! So I agree with you. And yes, I am looking into Kutztown. It’s a tie between Kutztown and East Stoudsburg.
Okashii, your not being harsh, I want feedback.</p>
<p>I agree with legend, for any writing, if you have the time. Read it, think about it, and edit it over the course of a few weeks. If you try to do it in a confined time frame, your mind will eventually just tell you that it’s good and error-free.</p>