My kid receives accommodations, is going to a school he loves that has all the things he desires AND is preparing him to earn a good living (well, as good a living as he can in his major). He is living his best life. The experiences he is having are invaluable and broadening his horizons. And he 2,000 miles from home.
There is no way he’d be doing as well as he is if I made him go to a school that was closer to home just so I had some sense of security. What would me driving down there accomplish? Schools won’t even talk to the parent.
And being in a place you love only motivates you to be your best.
I see no priorities that are screwed up when a parent is exploring all the options for their kid. They will both know if the fit is right.
This is a tangential comment, but I wanted to share. I was so concerned about my son (who slacked off during all of high school and graduated with a 3.3uw) that we had him use an executive function coach for his first semester at college. He ended up doing amazingly well and didn’t really need it, although I’m glad the resource was there and he learned lots of tricks from her. So an independent coach/ consultant could be an additional option for your son. We thought of it as tuition insurance. That said, we did make him choose from a list of smaller, more supportive schools because we wanted to give him the best chance for success. Looking back — I think he would have done Ok at a big university and that probably would have been his preference. But he’s exceeding all expectations where he is right now.
I just would add my experience. My adhd son did very well in college, but when things fell apart (remote for a year due to covid, and big health issues) he totally fell through the cracks at a bigger school. As a result I think small schools are better for adhd kids. Understanding that most don’t have things go wrong, but I really believe a smaller school is much, much easier to navigate.
I think the key is to be honest with yourselves and each other (and include your son in these conversations) about how much scaffolding is currently being provided (whether visible or invisible) and which of these supports is realistic or unrealistic for his college experience.
I think this is where many families fail. I’ve known parents who have- literally- never let their kid experience a negative consequence. Lunch left on the kitchen table? Dad drives 20 minutes out of his way before work to deliver it to school. English paper left in the printer on the morning it’s due? Mom takes an early lunch from work to drive home, drive to school, drive back to work (mom gets no lunch, but kid hands the paper in on time). Parents make the eye doctor, dentist, doctor appointments, provide transportation, snack in the car, negotiate check in at reception. Spare key left under a flower pot because the kid can’t remember his key. Dad makes the calendar which sits on the refrigerator which shows every commitment and deadline- Mom goes through the backpack to make sure nothing gets left out. And the kid can play every exotic game known to man on the phone- but can’t set an alarm to wake up in time for school-- so parents play the “wake up or you’ll be late” game every morning.
So it doesn’t matter if the kid is at a small school or a big school. No roommate is going to throw a kid out of bed in time for class. No professor is going to habitually excuse late work. No Dean is going to waive the $50 lost key fee (or ID). College doesn’t work that way.
So now is the ideal time to figure out what’s happening on a daily basis, and start to transition those tasks to your junior. It will help you all figure out where he belongs once you see how competent he is without the “daily living” support!
No camera… just a lot of observation. Which is why two kids with virtually the same Dx (whether LD, ADHD, vision issues, mobility issues, chronic illness) aren’t going to have the identical experience even at the same college. Some families have been supporting- but gradually letting go of the ladder; others are clinging to behaviors which reflect where the kid was in 9th grade but not as a senior. So the kid who’s been getting less support understands the how-to’s. The kid with maximum support has a very steep learning curve in college- PLUS all the academic stuff.
Good luck to everyone trying to launch their kids! Parenting ain’t easy, that’s for sure…
Parenting is reaallll hard. I’m lucky that my son grounded this helicopter and actually said, “just let me fail if I’m going to fail.” ADHD and Anxiety in a kid often makes us parent in a way that can give them even more anxiety. We are all trying to do our best.
For us, it started way earlier, but S23 was the same way. Luckily, we were in a (small, private) school where he could “fail” and it could be a learning experience rather than something he could never recover from. There were times I knew things were going to blow up and his teachers were able to talk me down so I could let it happen (and surprisingly, sometimes, it didn’t happen and I was the one who learned something). The “repair” process, as well as learning his limitations, completely set him up for the college success he is having now.
Perhaps a big question for you to ask schools is what happens if he gets in over his head. Is there a withdraw and repair process (like Colorado State) or an NR/No record (like WPI) policy? How many times can it be used? Is there a list of classes they accept from CCs? (some kids take a lighter load during the year and take the notoriously tough to pass on-campus classes over the summer at a CC).
That is really helpful information that I had not considered so thank you. Can I ask how you found the coach? I would like to find similar resources as it would open up many possibilities, part of my considerations before were based on school resources- obviously a blind spot. I hadn’t even thought about outside coaching.
I did a Google search and then did a free consult with a few that seemed like a good fit. If you would like the name of the one we used, feel free to message me.
This past weekend reminded me of this post. College GameDay came to JMU for the App State game(not the final score I was hoping for, but an amazing game). Here is video evidence of big time sports and school spirit.
It is Thanksgiving break at JMU. The students get a full week off. Dorms were supposed to close on Saturday at noon. That had to be changed because everyone wanted to stay. Parents were changing flights. Students didn’t want to leave. The campus should have been empty. Instead, the biggest crowd in GameDay history showed up on the Quad…26,000+ strong.
