Help me please, make that essay a good one

<p>Hello everybody</p>

<p>I am applying to MIT as an international student Regular action
here is the topic of the essay I have written. </p>

<p>An application to MIT is much more than a set of test scores, grades and activities. It's often a reflection of an applicant's dreams and aspirations, dreams shaped by the worlds we inhabit. We'd like to know a bit more about your world. Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?</p>

<p>And here is the essay, hope you like it:</p>

<p>It takes thousands of years for a river to smooth the pebbles on its bed and to fashion them into those beautiful shapes that we see. And it takes a long time in the flow of life to shape a child’s personality with all the complex set of dreams, aspirations and personal characteristics too. In my world the most important factors that have shaped me into the person I am now are the schools I have been to, my family and my involvement in Informatics as an extracurricular activity during my high school years.</p>

<p>It all started when I was a little child and used to design some silly machines like a gigantic juice squeezer, pedal-driven ship and so on. Although those were childish inventions, everybody in my family listened to me with great interest when I was explaining how they should work, gave me new ideas, thus encouraging my creativity. Noticing my special mathematical abilities, my father, who was an engineer, began to develop my interest in this field. I often visited the factory he worked in where I was amazed by the huge engines and locomotives, which were being repaired under the supervision of my father. He showed me interesting math tricks that were used in his work. All this enhanced my interest in sciences and I gradually realized what my inclinations and abilities are. My curiosity was always dissatisfied so I studied hard to expand my knowledge.</p>

<p>Yes, working hard is definitely the key to success. And this is another thing I have learned from my family. Apart from shaping my personality my family has always served as an example and been the most powerful source of motivation for me. After the economic reforms in our country we set up a successful business by working very hard and that too was another very good lesson to learn. It has led me to believe that some day I may have my own company. Ambition has always pushed me to attend the best schools in my town and now and it is ambition again that makes me apply for admission to MIT.</p>

<p>My first important competition was the admission test for the High School of Mathematics in Rousse. It was a nice surprise when I learned that I had come second. From then on, competitions became part of my life. I spent a lot of time working to get into the school team of mathematics and to be the best in it. That made me a competitive person and I became eager to take more and more challenges. After receiving a poor mark in Informatics in the seventh grade, I was determined to prove that I deserved a higher mark. </p>

<p>Soon after that I enrolled in an Informatics extracurricular group where students prepare to compete in national and international competitions. It has had great influence on me since I learned many things and most important of all - the cost of success. I have often had to sacrifice much of my free time in favor of preparing for Olympiads, but it has always been worth it because winning a competition really rewards my perseverance and devotion.</p>

<p>My father has always said “Whatever you do, try to be the best”. This is something I strongly believe in and I shall follow this principle for the rest of my life. That is why I think my ambition and inquisitiveness will be best accommodated at MIT and my studies there will write another important page in my “book of life”.</p>

<p>I liked the essay a lot; you come across as an impressive candidate for MIT. Just curious but what work did you do in Informatics for these competitions? If you can fit it in, it would be nice to know.</p>

<p>I would actually take out the part about 'poor marks' and put that info in; it would be of greater interest to the adcoms.. Informatics is AI isn't it?</p>

<p>Informatics is not AI
AI is part of informatics maybe
Informatics is all about algorithms, and AI algorithms are just a part of them</p>

<p>Maybe you are right that i should put some more info.
it is just a group of interested students that gather together once a week and
learn different algorithms and so on. Competitions are just programming algorithms.</p>

<p>But i do not want to remove the part with the poor mark, because i could not make
the transition between the paragraphs and it is there to explain how has my interest in informatics evolved.</p>

<p>thank you very much</p>

<p>A description of your work in Informatics would be great for MIT. What kind of algorithms did you work on, etc.</p>

<p>It's always nice when the metaphor of the opening paragraph is repeated/enlarged on in the closing paragraph.</p>

<p>searchingavalon, what do you mean.
That i have done what you said or not.
I think i have.</p>

<p>achat, I did not want to get into details with this.
I have won many honors in informatics. I have bronze and silver medals
from the international olympiad in informatics. When they see this, MIT will know exactly what this EC group does, since MIT knows well IOI.
That is why i have not included this, but i shall consider it. maybe just a sentence or so</p>

<p>Swetko, you are right. I did a search and IOI is a well-known competition. I have been out of the HS competition stuff and did not know about it. It is just a computer algorithms competition. No need to mention that to MIT. But if you have solved some problem in a unique way, that would be great.</p>

<p>p.s Was also looking at the problem sets in past competitions.</p>

<p>I'm a little bit curious as to why you only mention your first important competition and skim over the others. I like the beginning of your essay, but I feel like it could be condensed in order for you to talk more about your more recent competitions. the high school entrance exam was nearly four years ago, after all; it would be interesting to know what your curiousity and drive have propelled you through since then!</p>

<p>Sorry for not having been clearer. I meant that it might be nice if the metaphor of the river and the pebbles and the beautiful shapes and the flow was referred to in the conclusion. Instead, you have a different metaphor in the conclusion, about the book and the page. There's nothing inherently wrong with the way you did it; it's just that it's a good framing device when the conclusion picks up on the introduction.</p>

<p>Thnak you
I shall put something more about competitions
I wanted there to be a connection between the "flow of life" and the conclusion, so i put "book of life" which I thought sounded familiar with the
introduction.</p>