My son is a freshman at an excellent LAC (about 2nd tier) where he received a full-ride merit-based scholarship. He initially wanted to go to an Ivy, like a lot of students, but was not accepted or waitlisted at the Ivies he applied to. So far, he has been happy at the LAC he is at with just a few little bumps here and there. He has good friends, good classes and teachers, and even a girlfriend!
But recently, a family friend has been giving my son some strange advice. This gentleman thinks very highly of my son and apparently thinks that he should be in a “better” school. He has advised my son that he should apply as a transfer student to Cornell and/or U Rochester, and that he should also declare himself financially independent and that those schools will then give him “generous aid” since his income would be zero.
When my son called me tonight telling me this idea, I got extremely upset and could not even take it seriously. This is what I told him:
From what I understand, it is even harder to get into any school (and especially an Ivy) as a transfer student.
Neither of those schools will give him a full-ride like he has now, as a transfer student, regardless of how poor he makes himself look. So he would still have student loans, since he has no money for tuition, room/board, or expenses.
Not claiming my son as a dependent would cost the family thousands of dollars in extra taxes each year, and I'm not sure it's legal (or ethical), since he really is dependent on us.
It probably would not look good if another school sent a transcript request to his current school, especially when he is one of a very small, special group of students who are there on amazing scholarships. I certainly don't want him risking the very good deal he has now, at a very good school! (And I don't really believe that U Rochester or Cornell is any better than this school anyways.)
Your son is not able to declare himself financially independent. He must provide your financial info to get aid until he is 24 (there are a few exceptions, but he doesn’t fall under any of them). Whether he is a dependent on your taxes has nothing to do with his status for FA. This guy is no “friend”, and is giving your son incorrect advice. Tell your son this guy is full of hot air. And if it were me, I’d call this guy and give him an earful about staying out of this unless he is ready to pony up the quarter of a million dollars it would cost to send your son to one of those schools.
He can’t be “independent” for fin aid until he’s 24, pretty much, and he couldn’t borrow much any way. Your son would order his LAC transcript to be sent to another college (they don’t request it), and his current college could care not less about sending a transcript. The friend is clueless. Your DS should not transfer.
@intparent Thanks so much for that. Yes, the whole thing seemed terribly wrong to me, as in just incorrect information, and a really bad idea. I know my son does not want to end up with debt, and I was going over potential costs with him as well, which he did not like the sound of. As it stands now, he will graduate from a wonderful LAC, debt-free.
Rather than freaking out, I’d explore why your S thinks transferring is a good idea when he’s got everything lined up in enviable order at his current school. Is he worried that a lack of prestige in his current school is somehow going to be an issue for job placement or grad school? Is he insecure about his own aptitudes and therefore needs the validation of a bigger brand name? Is there some resource that his school doesn’t have that he feels he’s missing? This is an opportunity to explore why he would toss up all the success he’s currently enjoying for something else. Whatever that lack is, I suspect it can be addressed: A trip to the career counseling center to check out the resources, a conversation with some faculty in his areas of interest about future grad school or professional options, research opportunities in his field, study abroad options…
Use this as an opportunity to have what will hopefully be an on-going conversation about his goals and objectives, his values and sense of self, and how to get the most out of what his school has to offer.
And why would the family friend’s opinion carry so much weight when common sense dictates otherwise? Another good conversation to have…
It can be easy for a trusted adult to sway an 18 year old who doesn’t have a lot of experience in the world.
Here are the rules – send your son this link. And I’d send it to the “friend” as a one-off snd ask him to please refrain from discussing your somn’s college choice with him in the future.
For what it is worth, my D1 attended a LAC that sounds a lot like your son’s. She had a great experience, got excellent grades, and got a job she loves through an older student who had graduated (4 years out of college, keeps getting promoted). Her boyfriend from college is working for Deloitte. Both are well positioned to go to grad school if they want to, and she had a senior thesis nominated in the top 60 in the US in her area as well. Your son is in a great spot, especially if he is the kind of student to take full advantage of the opportunities around him. I hope you can ease him past this bump.
Tell your son that at each and every job interview he’ll go to, he’ll get to say he was among a small handful of scholars awarded a full merit scholarship at school X. No interviewer, especially someone with kids at or near college age, will fail to be impressed by that – or even envious!
Your family friend’s advice is so bad, it’s not worth discussing. Smile and nod.
That family friend isn’t a friend. Probably not advisable but I would call up that person and let him have it. What a tool to tell a kid his accomplishments are not good enough. If this guy truly thought highly of your son, he wouldn’t be saying “you could do better”. Then drop him.
Now after releasing the anger at the source, you can sit down with your son and, as N’s Mom pointed out, figure out the real story. If everything is going so wonderfully, why does he want to sabotage it? Surely it cannot be on one guy’s say so?
^^^^Bravo.
I think your “friend” has given some terrible advice. Your S has a full ride, he is very happy, and he is doing great both academically and socially. There is no reason to leave what sounds like an ideal situation to satisfy someone else’s notion of “prestige”.
And agree that he cannot declare himself independent and that merit aid is almost impossible to get as a transfer.
I think everyone is in agreement that the advice is bad. But from the practical point of nipping S’s plan in the bud, if it were me I would simply show S the link which @intparent kindly provided in post #6, and let him choose: stay where he is with a merit scholarship, or try to transfer with no additional assistance from you, and likely minimal aid. I think it should be a fairly easy decision, and perhaps will get him to appreciate more what he already has.
Thanks everyone. I told my son that the information given to him was just plain wrong, and that I verified that here, and he has agreed to stay where he is (whew!). He is happy at the school, and it’s a great school. And there is really no other choice, unless he were truly miserable for some reason, in which case we’d be looking at affordable schools, not Cornell, lol.
Unfortunately I do think it is that nasty Prestige Bug biting again, ugh. The situation is that my son has two very close friends (his two best friends, in fact) who are both at Ivies. The three boys all went to high school together, and of the three, my son was the best student with the best grades and test scores (he was even the valedictorian), although the other two boys are also very good students and quite smart in their own rights. The major difference was that his two friends were “hooked” and got into Ivy schools, while my son is one of many unhooked white males with good scores, good grades, and unremarkable ECs, who did not. So his chances at the Ivy schools he applied to were not great in the first place and predictably he was not admitted. At first he was upset, but he got over it pretty quickly and was grateful for the fantastic offer at the top LAC he’s at now. However, his friends and the gentleman in question, who is the father of one of the Ivy boys, have never let the issue die. After his friend who is at U Penn visited him, my son asked me about transferring to Penn. And after spending time recently with the other friend who is at Cornell (and his dad who came up with the bad advice), the idea of transferring to Cornell (or Rochester) was brought up. These people seem to think that my son “deserves” to be at an Ivy or something, just because he did well in high school. It’s quite frustrating because my son has a fantastic scholarship at a fantastic school and we are both happy with the outcome, but these people keep planting doubt in his mind. They don’t realize that there are many benefits to not being at an Ivy school, and in some ways my son has the best outcome of them all (not to mention the best price tag!). They are just stuck in the “Ivy or Bust” mindset seen constantly here on CC, mostly from 17-year olds. Ugh.
^ I can understand the prestige bug (though I don’t agree with it). But why would URochester be more prestigious than a good (2nd tier) liberal arts college, especially with a merit scholarship?
My D is at a great LAC as well. Now that she is a senior she mentioned to me over winter break that her college experience has been much better/happier/fulfilling than the experience a number of her close friends who are at “more prestigious” (Ivy) schools. My D has had great academics with small classes, a fun social life, she has done research with professors (including getting paid for two summers of work), and has been able to be involved in things she enjoys (not related to her major) such as theater/orchestra/community service/a sorority (don’t ask me where she finds the time). Bottom line is that my D would not trade her LAC undergraduate experience for any fancier name school. I hope your S feels the same way at the end of his college years.
I might mention to your “family friend” that while you understand he means well, you’d appreciate it if he supported your son’s college choice and didn’t start again with the idea of getting him to transfer.
So much effort goes into finding the best fit, that it really is a shame that this guy is second guessing your family. For some kids , the best school might be an Ivy, for others it might be an LAC, for others it might be a big state university. I’m glad your son has realized that the information he was given is not correct and that he is staying put.
@Calimom222, it sounds like your son has a good head on his shoulders and has displayed a lot of maturity and resilience throughout the college process and the disappointment he may have felt when he was not admitted to the Ivies to which he applied. Congrats to you on raising such an accomplished and mature young man and I can assure you that his being in the top cohort at his current college will pay wonderful rewards.
I think what the Ivy dad is doing says a lot about his own ignorance, lack of common sense and boundary issues and nothing about what’s in the best interest of your son.
Hang in there and know your son is well-positioned for a successful future, and the Ivy dad is well-positioned to ruin a lot of relationships!
