Help with BU essay please?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Boston University
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<p>I need someone to please read this and make sure it’s okay! I’ll appreciate it sooo much.</p>

<p>prompt: BU attracts students from more countries than are represented in the United Nations. Our global presence and reputation are important and are reflected in the perspectives, opinions, and experiences of our students. Why is this type of environment important to you? </p>

<p>Essay: </p>

<pre><code>As the tall man started walking towards me, I clung to my mom and wouldn’t let go. She began to pry me off as the man spoke, “Hi Ms. Hoshia, Danielle’s new first grade teacher will be Mrs. Ward.” I shook in fear, who was Mrs. Ward? I walked through the halls looking down at my feet and counting each step I took. I reached 284 steps when I got to Mrs. Ward’s room. I opened the door and it’s screeching noise caused everyone to notice me, and I stood there ready to throw up; I hated the attention. I felt everyone’s eyes following me as I went to sit down in the only empty seat. I sat there and remembered the time when a new kid joined my Kindergarten class at my Jewish school; his name was George. No one ever talked to him because he was different; I never understood why. I wanted to be George’s friend because he was nice but all the other kids mocked me when I approached him. I regretted that now because I hoped people wouldn’t do the same to me as they did to George at my old school.
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<p>I sat at my desk for what seemed like ages when finally, the recess bell rang. When I left the room I ran onto the playground and a really tall girl approached me, her name was Christine. “Hi! I’m Christine. Are you new here?” she beamed.
Although I was shy at first I got myself to speak up and answered, “Yeah, my name is Danielle. I don’t really know why I’m here though. My mommy says it’s called Public School.”
At that moment, I looked around and finally realized what public school was. It was a place filled with complete diversity. I saw all different colors, people from different cultures, and different religions; I loved it. I was glad to finally be somewhere where no one wore yarmulkes, prayed, and was exactly the same. Everyone here was unique in his or her own way, just like me.
What would society be in the present day if we didn’t have diversity? The same people acting in the exact way, believing the same thing; basically we’d be robots. A diverse environment gives one the ability to be his or her self and not be penalized or treated differently for it as George was.
My moving from a Jewish School to a Public one allowed me to explore other cultures and is what shaped me to be the person I am today; one who speaks many languages and loves to learn about other peoples’ backgrounds. My acceptance to Boston University would allow me to continue on in my journey through life in diversity rather than a place where every person is the same. Thus, an assorted environment with those from all around the globe is of utmost importance to me.</p>

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<p>IMHO, you are on the right track. I think your sentence structure is a bit difficult to follow: I would shorten and simplify wherever possible. </p>

<p>Our daughter received some interesting advice - she was told that most people try to make their essays more “scholarly” sounding, and by doing that they make them more “stuffy.” These readers are not sitting in front of a fireplace with a pipe and an English setter. They are more than likely distracted and pressured, and their eyes are going blind trying to read hundreds of eesays. She was told to picture the essay reader “stirring a pot of spagetti with a 2 year old clinging to her leg while reading just one more essay.” With that word picture in mind, her essays were much more powerful, and her sense of humor more easily mined. Just a thought.</p>