Helping child find a "passion"

Parents Forum
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<p>Yes, we’ve definitely thought about Aspergers-- we did an on-line test a few years ago. 3 of us in the family are borderline with some of these symptoms, but other symptoms don’t seem to fit. Thought about evaluation, but then again, didn’t want kid labeled if he functions fine and has no real problems. I guess it is how you define “problem.” What is normal? </p>

<p>A neighbor has a kid with poor grades, severe social anxiety, ADD, on medication. . .She really has a lot to deal with–but my kid just seems like a smart, shy kid that is kinda “blah” and doesn’t get excited about anything. Problem or not? He’s never been bullied or teased and seems accepted by peers, no tics or weird behaviors. He’s tried various sports, music, (forced) volunteer work, etc. and just not interested enough to continue.</p>

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<p>If you have any doubt, that website I directed you to is the one that opened our eyes. I’d always thought about Aspergers, but so many of the symptoms didn’t seem to fit. Then my niece started taking some medical training, learning about it, and told me most books and sites just describe the extreme cases. And there is an entire range of people, from mild to extreme. We think our kid is fairly mild, no obviously weird behaviors and I don’t believe tics are part of Aspergers. We have never had a parent, teacher or doctor suggest it.</p>

<p>We let him take the online test on this one, and he said he had all the symptoms (except the clumsiness-actually, it is decribed as an “odd gait”) and we didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise. I think he was very relieved, because it explained alot of things that he had never talked about to us. They don’t have to be evaluated, labeled, but just if there is any doubt it is nice to know. Plus they can learn how to deal with life better if they want. I really recommend that site if there is any question. It is very positive.</p>

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<p>Atomom- you’d be surprised what a paying job (any job) can do for a kid like yours, even if the money isn’t a concern. If he has latent skills getting along with difficult people, solving problems, dealing with cranky customers, etc. all of these will come out in an entry level customer service type job. I’d encourage him to find a job- 8 hours a week? Wouldn’t cut into anything else from your description, and he could fall into an environment that sparks a real passion- washing down cages at an animal hospital, shelving books at the library, assembling salads and serving dessert at a nice restaurant… puts him into contact with different people than he’s meeting right now in his daily life.</p>

<p>Does he read? What does he do when he’s bored?</p>

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<p>I’m here to say there’s hope for the passionless kid (and definitely don’t try to push him/her into anything.) My DS spent a lot of time on the couch playing video games and hanging out with friends, and turned down all offers for summer camps, and participated in almost no school activities, except for some tennis. Right before spring break his sophomore year, he said he was going to get a job for the summer and that he was tired of sitting around. He got a job at the local grocery store bagging groceries, and taught tennis through a summer program. The following summer he got a job at the Target, and then he started an ultimate frisbee team at his high school. Voila! Now he is a junior in college and still passionate about Ultimate. He didn’t have a lot of things on his EC list, but he showed maturity and leadership through starting a team, and his work history showed that he was a responsible guy. He got into his first choice school. So there is hope, even for late bloomers or non-joiners!</p>

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<p>Really not everyone finds a passion and it can be a double edged sword. Our oldest found his passion at 7 when he wrote his first computer program. Our youngest is still looking though he stumbled into a volunteer job that he loved last spring. When our kids seemed interested in activities we did what we could to nurture that interest. That’s relaly all you can do.</p>

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<p>I lean toward thinking passion is a good thing. But I also wonder if it is a little bit of an American obsession to be bubbly and smiley and enthusiastic about things. It sounds like the OP’s son is calmly, sanely enjoying his life. Must be a pleasant kid to be around.</p>

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<p>Re–job. Yes, we were talking about this yesterday. Kid just turned 16. Older sibs worked restaurant jobs and saved for college. It was good for them. This kid should try it, too.</p>

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<p>Reading these posts has bummed me out a bit-- I have a 10th grade S who is passionate about nothing except the 1000s of songs he has in his iTunes library. His iPod is constantly in his ear. He does play guitar (takes lessons) and seems to enjoy it, but I would not say it’s a passion (otherwise he’d play for hours a day). At least he doesn’t complain when I ask him to practice (and sometimes I don’t have to ask, but that’s rare). He also likes skateboarding, but what kid doesn’t? Academically he’s not working to his potential, and we’ve just found out he has ADHD-Inattentive type, so going forward we need to figure out a plan for him. What bothers me most is that he’s perfectly content to sit at home all day on a weekend and play video games. He won’t seek out friends (but if one calls, he will want to go hang out.) He does not do any sports and is not in any clubs (sports and clubs are for “geeks”). We’ve had him tested by multiple medical professionals who say he’s mildly depressed and has generalized anxiety, but he flatly denies it.</p>

<p>How do I get him to participate in life instead of spectating? I’m afraid that if I just sit back and do nothing, he will be a victim of his own inertia.</p>

<p>Thanks. :(</p>

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<p>Most kids and people don’t have passions. It’s only the very top colleges – places like Harvard, Amherst – that have such an overabundance of outstanding applicants that the colleges can use passion to help the colleges pick and choose among their applicants.</p>

<p>Passions also have to come from the kid. You can’t force your kid to have one. Probably most people with passions find those passions on their own, and those passions are not subjects that their parents would have thought of exposing them to.</p>

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<p>I posted this a bit earlier, but accidentally in the wrong thread (I had two different but related threads open I guess)…</p>

<p>I think passion is a wonderful gift if one stumbles upon it-- wouldn’t we all want that feeling or for our kids to have that feeling? But I also think it is way over-rated nowadays and really gets my goat. The concept puts useless and unrealistic pressure on a lot of kids and sometimes their parents too. </p>

<p>Nothing is wrong that needs to be fixed if kids “only like” what they do, or they enjoy a few things and have a happy life. One needn’t be obsessed or excited about one thing around which they can build their teenage identity and resume. They have a lifetime ahead of them. They aren’t failing or falling behind if they haven’t yet found a “passion” and they shouldn’t have to spend their remaining days of childhood hunting for something in place of being. I don’t think this is the OP’s concern at all, but sense her son is picking up that pressure that so many normal teenagers feel. I guess you could say I feel some frustration with this whole ‘passion’ business. </p>

<p>Many (if not most) people don’t find what really turns their crank until they are mature adults. Many childhood passions are neither predictive of adult passions, nor predictive of being passionate as a person in adulthood. Many people never identify a ‘passion’ but live very productive, contributing, and highly successful and happy lives. And many people find lots of different stuff floats their boat a bit, more than one particular thing floating the whole boat.</p>

<p>Moreover, it can be that the underlying thing that really lights one’s fire isn’t something that fits into one definable, measurable “EC” to which one can belong, with a corresponding set of lessons, levels, leadership, clubs or awards that can show up on a college application. Just as one example, but there are hundreds more, my D is very creative- it shows up in a million small ways on a daily and weekly basis. Everything that excites her is driven by creating (in almost any form but no particular form): from school assignments that require creativity, to her halloween costumes, to the videos she makes, to the games she invents with her friends, to the acting she does, or the business ideas she comes up with on a drive to the pool. It’s how her brain is wired, it is what fundamentally fuels her being, but it’s not the kind of thing that can be (nor does she want it to be) bottled into an impressive resume of awards or clubs or certifiable achieved activities. </p>

<p>It’s supposedly ‘passion’ we are seeking to observe in teenagers, but if so, why is it that some passions count more than others? Why should video-game playing or face painting be judged differently than say piano or oil portraits, if it’s passion that we are talking about? And if it’s passion colleges care about, why must it grow into new activities or leadership? Maybe someone’s child LOVES building bicycles or collecting stamps, and they don’t WANT to move it to the ‘next level’ such as building a business around it, or leading a club around it? Often those next level things take one <em>away</em> from the underlying passion for the sake of instrumental resume building (stamp collecting is a VERY different activity than leading a stamp collecting club and just because you love one doesn’t at all suggest you would love the other). And I think it is a shame kids feel they need to do that. </p>

<p>Okay off my soap box. I guess I derailed this somewhat (sorry OP!). To go back to the OP’s question my suggestion is to have a look at volunteer opportunities and part-time jobs on Craigslist. Lots of organizations list there.</p>

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<p>When I was in high school I really didn’t have any passions yet, in fact atomom’s son reminds me of me, but I really think it’s just because I didn’t know enough about myself at the time. I had vague interests but it wasn’t until I was 19 and had matured that I was able to translate any of those interests into passions.</p>

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<p>Gosh, did any of you parents have a “passion” in high school?? I know I sure didn’t. I turned out fine. ;)</p>

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<p>I have had a variety of passions in high school and in my life. I even had passions when I was in elementary school. Most people, however, don’t have passions and turn out fine. :)</p>

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ditto. I wouldn’t say that I’ve really ever had a singular passion. I’ve had passions from time to time, I suppose. Some lasted for a few hours and some for a few years. None of them blossomed until I was probably 30-ish. Homeschooling our kids might be an exception; I was passionate about that for 15 years. But now that’s done. I have been passionate about decorating for the past few months (too much HGTV), but I think I’m over that. I am too distractable to really be passionate about one thing; instead, I seem to end up doing everything. Nevertheless, I am happy and fulfilled.</p>

<p>Starbright, my D sounds just like yours. She is just creative in everything she does. When we were homeschooling her, if I’d assign a report, she’d ask if she could do a Powerpoint instead. They were gorgeous, she included all the pertinent info, and she did lots of writing on her own (another creative thing), so I didn’t care whether she wrote the report or not. She played the piano and the harp, but didn’t want to do the tedious work of perfecting her pieces. She is married now, and her apartment is so cute the way she decorated it. She buys canvas and paints simple stylized designs on them, and has even sold some of them. She blogs and does photography. She loved a jewelry box she saw online, so she bought some stuff and made herself one. And this one cracks me up… She loves Project Runway, so she’s gotten interested in sewing. She decided she needed a dress form, so she put on a big t-shirt and had her H wrap duct tape around and around her. Then he cut the t-shirt and duct tape up the back, she slipped out of it, taped it back together and stuffed it with sheets. Now she has a dress form. :slight_smile: She didn’t go to college, and isn’t even employed (military wife living in Germany), but she’s making a nice life for herself.</p>

<p>As for helping others, I tried more or less unsuccessfully to instill this passion in our kids. Maybe they’ll catch it later.</p>

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<p>My D likes a lot of things, and she has truly enjoyed many of them, but I don’t think she has what I would consider a “passion.” S, on the other hand, truly has a passion. Interestingly, it was easier for D to fill out college apps because she had a variety of interests that led to a variety of activities. S has a true interest that is not a mainstream type of EC … he spends lots of time on something that doesn’t translate well on college apps. He writes, plays, and records metal music … colleges will either appreciate his honesty in explaining how he spends his time or they won’t!</p>

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<p>“But I also think it is way over-rated nowadays and really gets my goat.”</p>

<p>The vast majority of colleges base admission decisions mainly on grades and possibly scores. Very few colleges care about passions. Those colleges that do are the top ones that attract far more outstanding applicants than the colleges have space for. Consequently, those colleges can use passion to pick and choose from among the best and brightest.</p>

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<p>^ I see what you mean but that could be said about almost any criteria for college that we discuss, debate, worry about on CC. There are what, 4000 colleges to choose from and the vast majority are not difficult to get into either. Sadly, the criteria set by the top 20 is what creates a stressful highschool culture affecting a much larger swath of students that those getting into HYPS. </p>

<p>And even if only truly taken seriously by the “cc popular schools”, I still think it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why bother with passion at all? Since the goal is to pick and choose, why not just go with super-achievement (since passion is pretty much a necessary condition for super-achievement).</p>

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<p>" Why bother with passion at all? Since the goal is to pick and choose, why not just go with super-achievement (since passion is pretty much a necessary condition for super-achievement)."</p>

<p>Passion isn’t a necessity for super achievement. Sometimes students do very well on thins like math exams because their parents have forced them to do lots of extra study including the parents’ paying for extra tutoring. The same is true for some other things that may seem to be super achievements until one looks very closely at the student’s accomplishment. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, most students who are applying to college get into their first choice school. Few fret over things like passion. It’s only a very small proportion of students who are fretting about passion, and in general, the students who have passion don’t worry about it. They are too involved in pursuing their passions to fret over whether they are going to impress admissions officers.</p>

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<p>“Passion” is one of those ideas (like “self-esteem”) that sound like something our children should have, but it’s tricky once you start unpacking it-- one kid’s passion can be another’s (his parent?) pointless activity, as some have said. </p>

<p>Many boys are late bloomers when it comes to being able to focus on a meaningful pursuit. And by late bloomers, I mean mid 20’s. There is often a clue though, if you go back far enough. My S was an avid drawer way back when he was a toddler, and rediscovered it after college. </p>

<p>It might be maturity level, and it might be temperament. Sometimes encouraging them to try something they would never do on their own can help as long as there is no performance attached. I once knew a boy who discovered that he had a knack for drawing patterns. He seemed surprised that he was good at something, and it in turn opened other doors for him because he was able to see the possibilities. </p>

<p>Sometimes a detached attitude can originate from anxiety about performing up to expectations, in which case pressuring him would probably backfire. The kind of passion that it sounds like you’re referring to – a deep engagement-- is something that comes into being incrementally.</p>

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<p>True enough - one is looking for authenticity. But I don’t mean achievement per se, as in acing exams or perfect 2400 scores, but rather things like publishing books, winning national science awards, creating effective charities. Hence why I added ‘super’…achievements that are hard to imagine coming from external prodding or instrumental motives. </p>

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<p>Agreed about most students…again 4000 colleges and all that…most students aren’t having to worrying about APs, retaking SATs, listing ECs, letter writers, essays and the like.In fact,all these CC discussions are probably pretty pointless to the majority of students. </p>

<p>But in the NE corridor, the private schools, the great publics, the million teens on CC, the NYTimes articles, those paying for tutoring/private counselors/expensive summer programs and people actually subscribing to USNWR and addicted to CC…lets face it, in the world of ‘college apps’ that you and I know, this passion thing is way overrated.</p>