Ok…for those who help financially with other family members. Here you go.
I’ll start. I have to say, the person we help on our family just confuses us in terms of money. But none of us gets annoyed with the occasional thing we decide to purchase for her.
This person has a good job, a VERY small mortgage payment (under $200 a month), and lives alone…so no one else to support.
Latest help came in the form of a new stove a couple of years ago. The stove in the house died, and she wasn’t going to replace it at all. Three of us chipped in, ordered from Home Depot and had a new not fancy stove delivered. It was cheaper than taking her out to eat every day.
She never asks for money or help purchasing things. So there is that positive.
To me there is a huge difference between helping a family member who is usually self sufficient but ran into an emergency (we helped a friend’s daughter who had a fire in their house) vs a family member who is a mooch, terrible with finances and lives above their means, thinking others will help fund their lifestyle and fiscal Mismanagement.
I always say that money problems are rarely about money. I would not get in the habit of giving money to a relative, but I certainly would help out in a crisis.
My SIL is a financial train wreck at the moment and is asking for money from us and from MIL (her mom). For the past 15 yr, we have been paying a mortgage for a small house in our name which MIL lives in rent free. Frankly, I think that’s pretty darn generous. It’s enabled MIL to retire without having to move into low income housing.
SIL has spent her whole adult life making bad money decisions. And now she wants others to bail her out. DH and I got into a big argument a couple of days ago about it. He wanted to give her some $$ and I said heck no, she hasn’t even talked to a divorce lawyer yet, let alone get a part time second job like she was talking about.
We left CA a long time ago because it wasn’t going to be financially sustainable for us to raise a family there. Now SIL wants us to help financially support HER family in CA.
Nope. Not happening. She can move in with her mom and live there for free until her mom passes away. I’ll send her a Dave Ramsey book. That’s all I’m willing to do.
I was thinking about this with the other thread about helping your adult children. I would lend or give any money to anybody besides my own children (no siblings, parents, in-laws, etc.)
I am in a similar situation with a couple of nieces. The parents were/are horrible with money; so horrible, that they had to move out of California.
They moved to another state, assuming that their money problems would go away. They had to go to work for less money but magically, their bills didn’t go away. They still blame all of problems on their previous California taxes.
Their daughters, my nieces have really poor, poor judgment on things that they don’t think will impact them financially. My siblings all say it’s because they’re repeating the financial troubles of their parents. “They don’t know any different.”
Every month I send the youngest daughter some gas money. My husband says we can’t continue to do that and that she needs to learn to budget. I agree with him, however, she lives in the back country and does not have an economical gas tank. She’s been stuck on the road before, with the highway patrol, and she has two little ones under five. So I don’t have an issue sending her the money for gas.
Her parents are really bad with money and can never afford to give their own children gas money because they don’t have it themselves. The minute they get paid, that money slips through their fingers, and they don’t have money for two weeks. They then make the rounds of my sympathetic brothers and sisters, alternating and asking for money every month from one of us. They are currently on the last sibling, everyone else has cut them off.
They’ve borrowed money from friends who are no longer their friends because they don’t repay anyone. Once they get cash from someone they don’t believe that need To repay. We all know that if you give them money, you will never see that money again.
The last sibling gave a really small amount and they were upset because they couldn’t make it through the two weeks and were upset with the paltry amount and proceeded to text everyone. And everyone had the same response: “Why should any of us be responsible for your expenses? You don’t pay for our expenses. Why should we pay for yours?” We are still waiting for the text but are not holding our breath. Burning Bridges is their way of life.
My parents always rescued them. I guess they continue to expect that someone in the family will always rescue them.
My aunts and uncles and cousins all chipped in to buy my grandfather an electric scooter last year as a birthday/christmas present. He is not very mobile and has now gained back some mobility. They weren’t going to be able to afford the $$$$ for a scooter on their own. To make matters worse, while we were shopping for this my grandmother almost got swindled into an $80 ad for a scooter that she had seen online for one as she was googling too. Thankfully my sister caught her and was able to stop her.
Outside of that… I’ll help people if it seems like there’s a need for it… Like maybe buy the kids some clothes or a backpack or something… But it all depends on the situation. My sister loaned me $$$ when I bought my house because I was a little bit short on closing costs when they came in a bit higher than expected. I paid her back less than a month later. If she ever needed money, I’d loan it in a heartbeat. Other people, probably not so much.
I took my niece back to school shopping last week… we had a lovely girls day out, and I bought her a few dresses, a new jacket, a pair of shoes and a few shirts. She had a good time with it, and in the grand scheme of things I make more money and won’t even notice that money missing, where as my sister and her fiance just bought a house which they are remodeling and therefore are watching every penny. They didn’t ask for that, I just offered. Plus it got her out of their hands a little bit while they were working on moving.
If you feel strongly against helping other adult family members (siblings, in-laws and so forth), does that feeling extend as far as being willing to watch them (and their families) become homeless?
For example, what would you do when the relative is about to be evicted? What if it happens not just once but multiple times? Do you help them? Do you help their minor children? I am just curious what most families do in such instances. I am not talking about a family member with a known disability or health condition, but someone who lives a financially unstable life for whatever set of reasons.
I know why it is problematic to enable an able adult who has never learned to budget or be consistently self-sufficient. I am unsure whether I could bear to see a relative and their family living on the street or in desperate circumstances while not helping. But where does it end? I am asking without judgement because I am not sure that I know what I would do in that situation, but I have observed the dilemma come up with both friends and extended family. It strikes me as extraordinarily painful when you love your family member. I could see feeling tugged in both directions. Giving help might make things worse perhaps (because it enables without solving), but is it worse than doing nothing while observing family members spiral further downward?
If you have been in that situation, were there any repercussions to your relationship with other family members when you refused to help (or alternatively, when you did help)?
In the case you cite, Alqbamine- pay rent directly to a landlord. I think there are ways of helping that are less enabling than others. Give money to an adult with an addiction- no. Pre-pay rent (plus first, last, security deposit) to make sure they aren’t living out of a dumpster- yes. Negotiate with a credit card company and pay off the balance-and then ripping up the card- yes. Continue to throw $50/month at the minimum payment while the total keeps ballooning- no. And the biggie- pay a lump sum to the custodial parent to help a family member catch up on child support (which keeps the kids from becoming homeless, AND prevents the state from garnishing the wages)-- yes. Buy the kids the latest electronics and fancy sneakers because “they have so little”- no.
It’s interesting seeing people talk about helping family members or not, some based off of their individual situations and how they handle their money, etc. While I totally agree that this would be a condition for me as well it does make me think deeply about what we seem to do as a society as far as helping others, giving aid.
I have given money to family.members before but I agree their should be a limit and responsible use of that money is certainly a condition.
I know several people who have that one sibling who is unsuccessful at adulting.
One person had their sibling live with them for a few years, it ended with some words and attitude between them. But a few years later that trooubled sibling got an inheritance and blew through most of it in less than a year. The helpful sibling used what was left plus their own funds and bought a place for troubled sibling to live. Troubled sibling has gotten disability, but that’s not enough to live on so worked for cash and now does not work and apparently did not save any of those earnings. Helpful sibling is tired of the whole thing and wants to get out of it, their relationship is cordial, but no longer close.
It is such a tough question, do you financially support irresponsibility?
I have a friend with this kind of situation - a sister-in-law who can’t hold down a job with a drug addict grown son. At this point they are living off their mother (my friend’s mother in law), but it means that the mother in law can’t get into a long term care facility which she should be in (would mean selling the apartment they all live in). The drug addict grandson has robbed her, overdrawn her credit cards without her knowledge, and assaulted her, but she won’t report it because doesn’t want to see him in jail - again. Not sure what will happen in the long term, they will most likely end up homeless once grandma dies. A no-win situation for everybody involved.
But none of those are long term solutions either for the type of person who consistently fails to manage their money. You can pay a first/last/deposit to a landlord, which might help the family for some months or a year, but that help doesn’t prevent the family from being on the brink of eviction the next year. Do you let them live in a dumpster during year 2? You can negotiate with a credit card to pay the balance and rip up the card, but that doesn’t prevent the adult from getting another card in a year or two. You can pay a lump sum to help a family member catch up on child support, but what happens when they fall behind again? Do you let your grandchildren or nieces or nephews go without?
I know these are unanswerable questions or rather the answers will vary with a particular person’s values and tolerance for watching their family members struggle. But I also wonder if the only solution becomes cutting off both the financial support and the contact simply because it is too hard to watch someone you love(d) make poor choices again and again. Or is there a way to cut off the financial support while still having a meaningful and loving relationship with the financially irresponsible adult and/or their children?
If there is a way to cut someone off financially and still have a meaningful relationship with the adults/children I have yet to see it.
And yes- a band aid. But for most people, watching a minor child shuffle in and out of sub-optimal living situations (when that child is related to you, and when-- at least temporarily-- the sibs can get together and patch together a financial solution) isn’t possible. Too much of a sense of family obligation.
I’ve got a friend who just got custody of a nephew. I admire the friend from the bottom of my heart- but I am in pain for the family as well. It was honestly and truly the last resort; it was honestly and truly NOT what my friend needs right now (dealing with a lot of other stuff) but if a kid has rotated through some horrible situations, the stable aunt/uncle are clearly the only path forward (at least for my friend and her values). So the years that were going to be spent “gung ho” at work to juice up the income pre-retirement- now she’s back in Mommy mode. Getting to take a weekend off with an empty nest- no, nest isn’t empty.
But what are you going to do- allow a judge to terminate parental rights and send the kid to live in a group home until he ages out?
Agreed. An imperfect rule of thumb (for me) is, if I don’t care enough to offer to help by taking the kid(s) and leaving the adult to make it on their own, I probably don’t care enough to justify enabling the adult by sending them money under the excuse of “it’s really for the kids.” Kids in those situations really are almost always better off with better caregivers than with their incompetent parents.
But I know this is not an option most would choose